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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To lock the door at 2am?

39 replies

itsanamechangetonight · 12/09/2021 01:45

Dh has gone out with his friends tonight leaving me at home with our 7 month old baby just after I've come out of hospital and told him I still feel quite unwell and dizzy but he's deemed me fit enough to stay with the baby so what can you do? He also deemed me fit enough to drive him the 25 minutes without any petrol In his car so I nearly broke down on the way home as I didn't know he didn't have any petrol so didn't have my purse and when I asked him he said he hadn't factored in spending petrol money tonight?? However he said he'd be back at 12 as the weekends are for him to get up in the morning with DD as I get up all week with her so he can have a quiet morning getting ready for work (I also work and get ready in the morning but it's being a mum apparently), I'm also a bit suspicious as we have a joint account and apparently he's had one drink in 7 hours so unless he's making that drink last or his friends are generous then I don't know what he's doing - our relationship has been crap this year, I had a c section in January, my dad died in March, granddad in July and I've been recovering and then getting sick and being in hospital, we haven't had sex much or really been intimate but anyway since he said he'd be back at 12 would it be unreasonable to tell him to stay somewhere else tonight and lock the door as he has no keys and I don't feel like sleeping with an unlocked door and I need to sleep as DD will be up at 6 and then potentially look at moving out tomorrow.

OP posts:

Newmumatlast · 12/09/2021 01:48

I would message him warning that would be the case and then do it. Give him enough warning to be physically able to get home. But he is taking the piss

Original poster

itsanamechangetonight · 12/09/2021 01:54

@Newmumatlast

I would message him warning that would be the case and then do it. Give him enough warning to be physically able to get home. But he is taking the piss

I know this is the reasonable thing to do however agreeing to come home at 12 and not doing feels like warning enough, I've just had enough now I think and this feels like the final nail in the coffin.

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 12/09/2021 01:57

One drink, that sounds like a hook up. 😠

Bogeyes · 12/09/2021 02:08

One drink in 7 hours? Did he have cash on him? Strange

Holskey · 12/09/2021 02:10

It sounds like be makes your life harder during an already difficult time. Totally self-absorbed behaviour and expecting you to stay up or leave the door unlocked is so selfish. Does he have any redeeming qualities because I'm struggling to see the appeal based on your OP? I wouldn't want a partner who behaved like that.

Original poster

itsanamechangetonight · 12/09/2021 02:15

@Holskey

He used to, it's very clear he's fallen out of love with me - I don't blame him, it's been a tough year and after a baby and two family tragedies I'm probably not the same person anymore - I messaged him to say I was locking the door and he said he was catching up with his friends and he knows he should have told me, thing is prior to all of this he would have come home or messaged me to tell me he'd be late with regular updates, he doesn't care anymore.

OP posts:

BathMatToe · 12/09/2021 02:42

He's a jerk

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 12/09/2021 03:40

Well I'm usually in favour of trying to make it work but really what is there to work with if he doesn't love you and is treating you like this? You can only make a relationship work if both people want it to. So have one more serious conversation with him that he needs to be in the family or out of the family. He already only seems to parent on two mornings a week. So you won't be any worse for a separation will you? Would he want shared custody do you think? Because if he would, and he does have the right as her father, then he might think about making your relationship work more seriously, because he'll know if you aren't together he'll be doing 50 50 parenting so will be doing it himself. But if he wouldn't want 50 50 and would be more of an EOW type, well you'll be no worse than now and on the days that she is with him you'll be able to have a quiet night to yourself, without having to take him all over the city, and go to bed without having to wait for him to get his arse in (and then asking him what or who he's been doing that he's not spent any money).

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 03:42

Change the locks, don't just lock the door. What a useless, selfish fuckwit.

Aprilx · 12/09/2021 04:06

I am maybe too late for this one, but if he is still out, no I wouldn’t lock the door. That is a gesture and one that is likely to cause shouting and banging in the middle of the night and disturb other people.

You don’t need gestures, you need to seriously evaluate this relationship and whether it is worth continuing. It doesn’t sound like it is, he doesn’t love you or have any respect for you, he will keep coming home (eventually) whilst he can and doesn’t have anyone else to go home to, I suspect he will be gone when he spots another option.

GlitterOnlySparklesInLight · 12/09/2021 04:24

Oh you deserve much better than this! Don't bloody blame yourself saying you're not the same person etc. People evolve and it sounds like he's evolved into a twat. Please think about whether his involvement in your life is bringing anything positive or just causing you more agro at an already stressful time.

And yes... lock the door. X

Explosivefarts · 12/09/2021 04:27

Hope you got some sleep OP

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 12/09/2021 04:41

It depends how you think he'd react to that and whether is likely to cause more problems.

But what is with this "he deemed me fit to..." Couldnt you have said no if you didn't feel up to it?

OneMoreStitch · 12/09/2021 05:16

He sounds absolutely awful. I'd be suspicious, too, and if he doesn't care enough to let you know when he's staying out much later than planned, I wouldn't feel guilty about locking him out.

I hope you can find a way to a better life, either with our without him!

AngelDelightUk · 12/09/2021 05:31

Have you got somewhere you could go and stay for a few days to recover? He’s being a total selfish arse

healmebaby · 12/09/2021 05:31

your post just screams martyrdom 🙄

Pinklioness · 12/09/2021 06:01

@healmebaby

your post just screams martyrdom 🙄

Not to me. It screams being worn down by a selfish wanker.

OP you've been bereaved twice, been ill and have a young baby. He should be caring for you and putting your needs first.

He will not change

Gestures like locking the door on him won't change his behaviour. This is at the heart of who he is. He won't suddenly come to his senses because his sense of entitlement is too great.

Seriously, don't stay with this man. You would be sentencing yourself to a lifetime of drudgery and feeling unloved.

olympicsrock · 12/09/2021 06:38

It isn’t a gesture. OP shouldn’t have to sleep in a unlocked house ( or wait up til midnight because the arsehole doesn’t like keys in his pocket)

custardbear · 12/09/2021 06:58

Doesn't sound good - I hope you've had some sleep but I'm sorry he doesn't sound like a decent dad or partner to me

MyOtherProfile · 12/09/2021 07:02

Selfish twat. I hope you locked the door for your own safety.

In your shoes I wouldn't be moving out. I'd be telling him he needs to move out.

GoodnightGrandma · 12/09/2021 07:03

I hope you’ve slept and not worried about it.
Time to prepare for going it alone, just in case you need to.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 12/09/2021 07:21

Hope you’re okay OP. What a selfish man to treat you so poorly after all you’ve been through.
The first year after having a baby can be a real strain on any relationship so I think in your position I’d be wanting to have a serious conversation about whether this can work and/or to get some space from each other before making any ultimate decisions about whether to stay together in the long term.

pangolina · 12/09/2021 07:26

What time did he get home and what state was he in?
I think you need s serious talk with him.

Backtoblack1 · 12/09/2021 07:30

Did he come home? X

girlmom21 · 12/09/2021 07:40

If you still felt dizzy and tired you shouldn't have driven.

Why didn't he have a key?

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