Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To not want husbands family keep turning up unannounced?

57 replies

Lockergooge · 11/09/2021 19:19

Title says it all really, I get on absolutely fine with husbands family but particularly my MIL and SIL with niece keep randomly turning up unannounced!
I have tried in a nice way to ask them to please give me a call or text before turning up but MIL gets all offended and she doesn’t seem to understand why I’m annoyed.
The other day my SIL turned up and dropped my niece off and said she’d be back in 10 minutes to come and collect her. I didn’t know they were coming (or that I’d be babysitting for 10 minutes) and I’m starting to get a bit annoyed with the unannounced visits.
I’ve started locking the door now but they used to literally just walk in! Or knock once and open the door immediately anyway.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I hostile? Is it too much to ask just to give me a quick tinkle before they pop in!?

OP posts:

GraceAnatomy · 11/09/2021 19:25

Nope, you're 100% not unreasonable to expect a little prior notice to visits. Especially if they're expecting you to babysit but don't tell you that.... which is probably part of a plan as you could say no if you were given notice.
Start doing the same to them...See how they like it 🤭

RolloTomassi · 11/09/2021 19:26

YANBU, I'd hate it too. No matter how well you do or don't get on, it's rude to keep landing on someone unannounced. What's your DH think about it? I'd say it's for him to be the baddie and reset the boundaries!

Henrywilldoit · 11/09/2021 19:29

Yanbu. It's nothing to do with how well you get on, it's different boundaries.

Everyone's different. Dhs family are the turn up and let themselves in type. I'm not. They probably think I'm a bit funny but they respect my position.

Can't your dh have a word?

Original poster

Lockergooge · 11/09/2021 19:33

DH is usually at work when these visits happen but I think it should be him to say, rather than me.
I have said to MIL when she randomly turned up that now is not a good time and could you please let me know when you’re coming next time. She got really offended and told my SIL and they were both a bit off with me for a while.
But she still does it. They have made me think I am unreasonable. Thank you for your answers, it reassures me I am not mean

OP posts:

Whatinthelord · 11/09/2021 19:33

I’d hate this. Yanbu

YukoandHiro · 11/09/2021 19:38

Do you have a video doorbell? Next time they call unexpectedly just don't answer

Goingbackto5oh5 · 11/09/2021 19:38

YANBU, I live 5 minutes walk away from relatives on DH's side and they seem to think it's okay to just turn up whenever, and seem to time it well when DD is ready for her nap. I stopped opening the door to them and DH spoke to them to at least text me to ask if it's a good time come over.
Your DH needs to have a word with them about it.

TopTabby · 11/09/2021 19:43

Oh God my inlaws used to do this & it was so rude & annoying. I kept the door locked at all times & hid upstairs a few times too.
It was dh's house that he bought before we met & I think they saw it as an extension of the family home. SIL was a particular pain, barging in whenever she wanted to but she does love a bit of entitlement.
We moved which solved the problem, I wanted a house I'd chosen & it stopped them thinking they had rights to it.
To this day I still keep the door locked though!
YANBU & dh should have a word.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 11/09/2021 19:43

“ I really love seeing you all but I have such a lot on at the moment-would you be able to give me a call before coming to check I’m in and free, as I really don’t want to miss you and spending some quality time with you ”
And obviously don’t answer or just be going out and then rearrange!🤣

Southwestrunningmum · 11/09/2021 19:48

Ring doorbell and hide!!!

EllieSattler · 11/09/2021 19:51

Keep your coat and keys by the door and every time they come announce you were just leaving and go for a walk or drive round the block?

idontlikealdi · 11/09/2021 19:52

I have hidden before when mil pulled this kind of shite.

Notaroadrunner · 11/09/2021 19:55

Given your Dh isn't even there that would do my head in. Keep the door locked and if the bell rings just ignore unless you are actually expecting anyone. In the meantime tell your Dh to have a word as they clearly don't listen to you.

Sally872 · 11/09/2021 19:59

Paul O'Grady said put on your coat before answering the door. If you want to see them "I am just back" otherwise "I am on my way out"

custardbear · 11/09/2021 20:04

I'm sorry it's a bad time, just let me k is next time and I can let you know wjen I can babysit
Or don't answer the door and pretend you're out

StoneofDestiny · 11/09/2021 20:12

How rude of them. Tell them you can't cope with unexpected visitors and tell them to text first. If they pop round again uninvited/unexpected, don't answer the door/don't let them in. You are in control of your own door - never leave it unlocked

SpacePotato · 11/09/2021 20:24

I'd tell them not to come round unless DH was in.
Are they bored or something?

Covetthee · 11/09/2021 20:24

Very rude and inconsiderate of them. Just let them ring or knock for as long as they want,

Keep the door locked, and if they say anything afterwards just say you were in the shower/noise cancelling headphones was on/in a work meeting,

Soon they will get the masage they can’t just show up unannounced.

Fetchthevet · 11/09/2021 20:41

My FIL does this too and it drives me nuts! It's always at an inconvenient time, like I'm just eating or was having a rest, or the house is in a state. I used to hate it most when I was breastfeeding - I used to not answer the door and go and sit in the bedroom where he wouldn't be able to see me through the window. My DH has spoken to him about it but he won't listen. He just says sarcastically, "Oh you want me to make an appointment?" He even phones me up to tell me that he called around and I wasn't in, then wants to know where I was. He's not lonely, he has lots of friends and goes on holiday with them etc. The only good thing about Lockdown for me was knowing my FIL wouldn't be coming in my house for a while!

NessieMcNessface · 11/09/2021 20:46

You have to insist that your wishes are respected in this case as privacy is so important. Also, the impact on your mental health will be significant if you constantly worry about your in-laws just dropping in, especially as you have made your feelings clear. As a DM and a DMIL I would never dream of just arriving at my DD:DDIL’s houses without first enquiring to find out if it was a suitable time. However, I have friends in a similar position to me who get very offended when they’re asked to give warning before visiting their sons and daughters and think it’s their absolute right to drop in whenever they feel like it. Whenever they complain about it I very gently state my views and they are always surprised, but it does make them think.

RyanReynoldsHusband · 11/09/2021 20:52

Our front door opened into our living room. DH and I indulged in a spot of adult cuddles on the sofa and we were cuddling afterwards. FIL visited. DH answered the door, I was naked and had nowhere to go.

THAT has stopped unexpected visits. However they do turn up an hour or so earlier than arranged.

Ninkanink · 11/09/2021 20:54

YADefinitelyNBU!

I absolutely hate this. So rude and entitled.

2Rebecca · 11/09/2021 20:56

Why is making an appointment ie mutually convenient arrangement considered so awful by some people? It seems to be mainly who live near each other. My family are scattered so we always arrange visits in advance. It's rude to put your convenience and schedule ahead of someone else's. It seems narcissistic as well, you assume everyone is always overjoyed at your impromptu visit and has no plans of their own

Surewhynot · 11/09/2021 21:17

Absolutely stop this in its tracks. Mil was a dropper inner and I hated it because it would often be early on a weekend.

At the time, DH and I both worked long hours and commuted so it really pissed me off when Mil knocked on the door at 8.30am on a Saturday to give us a box of tea bags or something that she’d randomly bought.

The shit hit the fan on one occasion when DH was out and I was busy working on something. I didn’t let her in and she lost her shit with DH over it. It was an epic row but she has never dropped by unannounced again.

Surewhynot · 11/09/2021 21:20

I would add as well that previously, Mil had a key as she lives nearby. I say ‘had’ because every time we went on holiday, she would come in and bring a load of food, no matter how many times we asked her not to.

Flip

1 2 3