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Original poster

To not want husbands family keep turning up unannounced?

57 replies

Lockergooge · 11/09/2021 19:19

Title says it all really, I get on absolutely fine with husbands family but particularly my MIL and SIL with niece keep randomly turning up unannounced!
I have tried in a nice way to ask them to please give me a call or text before turning up but MIL gets all offended and she doesn’t seem to understand why I’m annoyed.
The other day my SIL turned up and dropped my niece off and said she’d be back in 10 minutes to come and collect her. I didn’t know they were coming (or that I’d be babysitting for 10 minutes) and I’m starting to get a bit annoyed with the unannounced visits.
I’ve started locking the door now but they used to literally just walk in! Or knock once and open the door immediately anyway.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I hostile? Is it too much to ask just to give me a quick tinkle before they pop in!?

OP posts:
iamprobablynotyourcupoftea · 11/09/2021 21:51

Omg. Sympathies op. In similar situation with our inlaws. They seem to think because they 'help' us with lots of things, they can just turn up and it is always at the weekend.
One time she turned up one evening. I wasn't having a very good week emotionally, and just wanted the evening to relax and catch up on my programmes. I know that sounds selfish but she never lets me know, I say every time please send a text because like tonight I'm not in a good place and I want to be on my own.
They are oblivious and say oh it's no bother. So I said it is important to us and we can 'host' them better if they send us a message first.

Sadly. Goes in one ear out the other....

PercyPiginaWig · 11/09/2021 22:01

@Fetchthevet

My FIL does this too and it drives me nuts! It's always at an inconvenient time, like I'm just eating or was having a rest, or the house is in a state. I used to hate it most when I was breastfeeding - I used to not answer the door and go and sit in the bedroom where he wouldn't be able to see me through the window. My DH has spoken to him about it but he won't listen. He just says sarcastically, "Oh you want me to make an appointment?" He even phones me up to tell me that he called around and I wasn't in, then wants to know where I was. He's not lonely, he has lots of friends and goes on holiday with them etc. The only good thing about Lockdown for me was knowing my FIL wouldn't be coming in my house for a while!
Maybe you could tell FIL you were in but weren't expecting anyone so didn't anser the door. Sometimes it's worth a row, especially if it means they fuck off in a huff for a while!
lockdownalli · 11/09/2021 22:04

YANBU

My XMIL used to do this, although I would never leave door unlocked so she couldn't walk in.

In the end, I used to let her knock and just refuse to go to the door. She could see/hear I was in, but I just got past the stage of giving a shit. When someone is that bloody rude that they continue to pop round uninvited, you have to toughen up.

PercyPiginaWig · 11/09/2021 22:06

@Lockergooge really it's worth sticking to your boundaries and sending them away a few times, if you keep letting them in they'll keep coming.
Don't answer the door every time they come unannounced.
And make sure any text is them asking if they can come, not telling you that you're on your way.

If you do answer the door have your coat on, or have your phone in hand and say you have an appointment so it's not convenient, or your dressing gown and say you've just run a bath, whatever, just keep emphasising that you are busy.
You could also invite them occasionally if you want to see them, so that it's on your terms.

stayathomer · 11/09/2021 22:09

I think if you're not a 'just drop in whenever' person, you'll never be, so definitely tell them you need a bit of advance warning!

JacquelineCarlyle · 11/09/2021 22:09

@YukoandHiro

Do you have a video doorbell? Next time they call unexpectedly just don't answer
I'd go with this - don't answer the door. They are being completely unreasonable.
MimiDaisy11 · 11/09/2021 22:15

I don’t think it’s rude as some people were just raised with different expectations around family. One side of my family do this and when they’d turn up at my aunts and then just enter I did always wonder what if they’re just coming out the shower etc. But then they would just come in our house like that and no one saw anything wrong with it.

I do think though that people should be aware not everyone is like them and they should accept that and not take offence at being asked to ring ahead etc

woodhill · 11/09/2021 22:15

@Fetchthevet

My FIL does this too and it drives me nuts! It's always at an inconvenient time, like I'm just eating or was having a rest, or the house is in a state. I used to hate it most when I was breastfeeding - I used to not answer the door and go and sit in the bedroom where he wouldn't be able to see me through the window. My DH has spoken to him about it but he won't listen. He just says sarcastically, "Oh you want me to make an appointment?" He even phones me up to tell me that he called around and I wasn't in, then wants to know where I was. He's not lonely, he has lots of friends and goes on holiday with them etc. The only good thing about Lockdown for me was knowing my FIL wouldn't be coming in my house for a while!
What a cheek, why are you answerable to him

Don't have it OP

SarahAndQuack · 11/09/2021 22:15

If you really want to stop them, some ideas:

  • when you hear the doorbell/key in the lock, whip off your clothes, wrap yourself in a towel, and answer pretending you were about to have a bath.
  • come to the window with the phone at your ear, gesticulate energetically but inarticulately, give them a big thumbs-up, and retire.
  • let them in, then cheerily explain your mum/sister/friend is making their weekly chat call, and disappear upstairs to your room.
  • answer the door with your handbag in your hand. 'Oh, no, I'm just on my way to my smear test! Must go!'

My in-laws have no concept of privacy - where we are is at best a 3 hour drive from them, but my sisters-in-law would regularly show up several hours early and then be bemused DP and I were both at work. My SIL had several visits where she expected DP to sack off work purely because she'd turned up hours early! Eventually we did a few visits where we arranged to be out until about 20 minutes before they were due, then expressed huge surprise they were there hours before. We're still struggling with how to get them to leave on time, though!

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 11/09/2021 22:27

I wouldn't like this either, as you have told them to stop just turning up (which is unreasonable of them imo) i think your next step should be to just ignore the door. People who just turn up expecting to be welcomed in are not my people 😂 asking for a text or phone call first to check when it's a convenient time to pop round is reasonable.

ScienceSensibility · 11/09/2021 22:32

I would absolutely hit the roof if anyone walked into my house without knocking, whoever they were!
Luckily, my door doesn’t facilitate such ‘access’ so visitors ring the doorbell.
In my experience this behaviour has to be nipped in the bud very early on, as soon as someone visits without an invitation (for that is what they are doing).
I’d go with puzzled astonishment the first time “did we have an arrangement I’ve forgotten about??” Then make it very clear that ‘dropping in’ is not socially acceptable.

You just have to train these cheeky fuckers, OP! 😀

Bootikin · 11/09/2021 22:38

What Sarah says. This would drive me into extreme rudeness. I would refuse to answer the door (keep a chain on if god forbid they have a key eeek) but otherwise either do the pantomimes the Sarah suggests or go 100% brave and not answer.

Btw I have tried doing the “pantomime bath /departure scaenario” with a sweet but time-unaware friend and it’s pointless - I could open the door with ny hair on fire and she would still expect a coffee and a one hour chat - I’ve had to really get tough.

Btw this friend will stand on my driveway as I am reversing the car out and stop me leaving …. to ask a non urgent question - some retired people have ZERO sense of time so this may be a factor for OP visitors too. So infiuriating / disrespectful though :(

notanotherjacketpotato · 11/09/2021 22:41

It's the absolute height of rudeness. How people have such little respect for other peoples time, space, privacy, boundaries... it's beyond me.

So they have decided they want to come to your house and you get no say in the matter? Nah.

I think your husband needs to speak to them properly.

I am also adding this to my ever increasing list of things to check before settling down with someone. "Are your family pop-inners?"

babouchette · 11/09/2021 22:41

@Sally872

Paul O'Grady said put on your coat before answering the door. If you want to see them "I am just back" otherwise "I am on my way out"
This is genius.
GameofPhones · 11/09/2021 22:41

It is the custom in some families, but I think gradually dying out now as people have less free time or energy to entertain guests without notice. The FIL mentioned above hit the nail on the head when he said 'Do I have to make an appointment now?' He was indignant, but will have to realise things have changed.

DifferentHair · 11/09/2021 22:48

This happened to me. I absolutely hated it.

YANBU.

You need to reset their expectations and it will absolutely cause hurt feelings and push back. Do it anyway.

Why should your feelings come second to theirs in such an important and personal things as access to your home, time and attention?

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2021 22:57

I’d hate this. Fortunately I live 5 hours away from family!

Get your dh to have serious words, OP, it’s his family so his responsibility. Lock the doors and be obvious that you’re in but refusing to answer the door when they next try it.

WhatAShilohPitt · 11/09/2021 23:46

This would drive me MAD.

DifferentHair · 11/09/2021 23:57

I don't agree with the passive aggressive suggestions. Don't drop hints, don't pretend to be out, don't answer the door in your coat etc. these are all fine for short term issues but you're stuck with these people forever. They have a culture and an expectation of dropping in on each other and you need to knock it on the head.

Be clear, be honest. Tell DH he needs to help you and then you both stick to your guns.

'I know this family is used to and comfortable with drop ins but I'm not. I love seeing you but we need to make a time.'

If they show up, answer the door and say honestly 'Hi MIL, so we need to talk again about the drop in tradition. This house isn't an open one anymore and this is exactly what we talked about. I don't want people showing up unannounced, it doesn't suit me. I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear. I'd love to see you Thursday, if that suits? But I'm not having any visitors today.'

Close door.

Be clear. You don't need to pretend.

Part of this is about them learning to respect you and having boundaries. It's not going to be popular but you have to do it.

If you invent reasons not to answer the door, pretend to be out etc, then you're missing an opportunity to address the bigger issue.

If they don't get their heads around you and DH being an independent separate unit with your own needs, time, privacy, culture etc- then this issue will just manifest itself in a different form for the rest of your life.

Original poster
Lockergooge · 13/09/2021 16:26

Thank you so much for all your answers. Husbands family are definitely ‘pop inners’. He’s told me in his childhood they would always pop by friends/family or have people round. So it is just their way of life. But not mine! I will get him to have a word next time it happens so it’s a fresh situation rather than a previous visit.

OP posts:
CraftyGin · 13/09/2021 16:28

Keep your coat/bag handy by the door, and say you were just on your way out.

saraclara · 13/09/2021 16:37

@Lockergooge

Thank you so much for all your answers. Husbands family are definitely ‘pop inners’. He’s told me in his childhood they would always pop by friends/family or have people round. So it is just their way of life. But not mine! I will get him to have a word next time it happens so it’s a fresh situation rather than a previous visit.
I grew up in one of those families. It was entirely the norm for relatives, friends and neighbours to not only arrive unannounced, but to let themselves in!

When I left home as an adult and moved to a new area, I'm afraid I got it all totally wrong with my new friends. I didn't let myself in of course, but I just turned up without warning all the time Blush
I wasn't being rude. It was just that I'd learned my social skills in an entirely different family and neighbourhood culture. It didn't help that I'd moved from the north to the South East!

I must have driven people nuts. It took an embarrassingly long time for me to realise that I had it all wrong for this group of people.

So yes, this is normal for his family. Not rude. But you absolutely have the right to let them know that it doesn't work for you. That it's nothing personal, but it's not your family culture, and could they just message you first so that you can enjoy their visit rather than be thrown by it.

Smeds · 13/09/2021 16:37

I've had this problem too and there was one occasion when a family member popped by (as in travelled an hour to get to our home without telling me) and I was out. All hell broke loose that I left this family member abandoned in the street Grin I have refused to take any shit from them ever since.

lynxca16 · 13/09/2021 17:00

It's a very inconsiderate thing to just 'rock up' and expect a huge welcome.
Sister would have done this in the past with either her DH and always with her children - always felt it was so intrusive and working to her own timetable.

woodhill · 13/09/2021 17:48

@saraclara

Yes I remember my dgps who lived up North having people drop in as though normal coming in the back door and at dms people often pop in. I think it was more normal in the past?

I'm not keen myself