Inviting 1 person in a family

[Pinkplums]

Trying to keep this brief, but not drip feed so bare with me.

My DM has a partner and he has 2 kids (19 & 15) they have been together 10 years and live in his home (she’s happy and he is fine but loud and “mr entertainment” the kids are similar)

I see DM a lot on her own as we both have time during the week when partner and kids are in work/school/hobbies, she is a great mum and hands on with my kids including regular childcare.

We keep having the same issue though every few months

Evenings and weekends if we want to see her they all have to come.
It was my birthday recently and I wanted a takeaway at home.
It would have been my family of 4, my DB plus his wife and baby, my grandparents (mums parents) and she was invited but refused to come because I asked that she didn’t bring the whole family.

It’s partly that there isn’t enough space for that many people in my home, partly keeping numbers down with covid but mainly because he and his kids are so dominant. No one else gets a word in edgewise and they wind the kids up to a frenzy each time.

2 weeks before this it was one of his kids birthdays and they had a takeaway at home, invited his family and none of us. I have no interest in going to a 15 year olds birthday so it’s not an issue but when I said that it’s the same thing she said “your always welcome here, I don’t need to invite you”

They regularly do things as a 4 or 6 with grandparents (his parents or hers) but unless it’s during the day, when they are busy, we can’t do anything without inviting the whole family of 4.

What’s the solution to this?

Yavu. I would not come, if my dh and kids especially was not invited.

YANBU! Of course you should be able to see your mum without the rest of them. When I’m older I will want to see my children sometimes without my DH or without their partners. Not all meet ups need to include every extended family member. I often have my mum over for a drink and a chat or watch a movie, would be pretty weird if she insisted bringing my dad.

@frutyloops

Yavu. I would not come, if my dh and kids especially was not invited.

So OP can't ever do anything with just her mum because she has a partner with two kids? Weird.

Of course you should be able to see your mum without the rest of them

So OP can't ever do anything with just her mum because she has a partner with two kids

OP has explicitly said that she spends lots of time with her mum in the week. This is about evenings, weekends and special occasions.

Your mum is in a relationship with this man. It would be a kindness to her to include him in your invitations.

They’re her family OP.

OP I do understand you not wanting to invite them, but that's is very rude. It must also be extremely awkward for your Mum.

YABU

You already see plenty of your Mum on her own and she provides childcare for you too so your DC get lots of granny time too

I'm afraid I think YABU to seek to include your DM in extended family gatherings which include everyone else's partner and children while seeking to exclude your DM's partner and his kids. I suppose you could exclude your DM's stepkids by stealth if you arrange dates when you know they will be with there Mum but it will start to look obvious if you do that too obvious. I can't see how you can exclude your DM's husband without causing offence

I think it’s a bit strange to be honest. I invite my mum on her own on things like birthday days out or holidays when it’s just the two of us. However, I’d never invite her over for dinner without her partner if my DP was here. It’s just part of being a family, you can’t pick and choose who you fancy inviting from one household.

She spends lots of time with you during the week. She obviously sees weekends and evenings as time for her partners family.

Always assume that they are part of any invites for evenings and weekends and invite/plan accordingly.

How would you feel if at the weekends you were invited to stuff but your husband and kids weren’t? If you didn’t see them much during the week due to work/school etc, I’m betting you would want to spend your weekends all together. I can’t imagine the 19 year old always comes to all family events/mine certainly doesn’t!

They are her family who she lives with bit you want her to exclude them? I could understand if you never spent any quality alone time with her but you do so sorry YABU.

I'm sure the 19yo will be generally happy to be excluded but it sounds like your DM sees herself as part of a family, so obviously would expect family occasions to include DP and dependents.
If you dislike her new family, keep one to one celebrations alone with her Monday to Friday.

@TempName01 so if you were having a family party or dinner you would be happy to just invite your DM and leave your DF behind?

I think, given that you actually have plenty of alone time with just your mum, you are being unreasonable here, and quite rude given other members of the immediate family have their partner/kids etc invited.

Basically you want to spend your weekends with your immediate family but don’t want to afford her that choice!?

You invite your brother's wife and kids but not your mum's partner and kids?..semms very unreasonable. It woukd be more acceptable if you didnt invite any partners/wives etc.

You have some one to one time with her. If itbwas you inviting her to do something with you alone on a weekend or evening fair enough. But to have family gatherings and exclude her immediate family isn't on. I would like your mum decline.

For the daughter's birthday then they just invited his side of the family is entirely different.

Start inviting yourself and whole family to everything they do. Even just Saturday night movie time.

They'll soon get the message. Hopefully 😂

It's pretty rude to constantly exclude them.

You get plenty of one-on-one time with your mum through the week.

You need to invite your mum's family to family events

I understand how you feel. You should be able to do things with just your Mum as she's your Mum. The others seem to change the dynamic of gatherings for the worse.

We have it similar in that DH only seems to see his Mum alone when his Step Dad has already got plans. It's as if his Mum can't leave her Husband at home alone. He changes the dynamic, is moody, needy and incredibly sensitive and besides he isn't DH's Dad. DH wants some time alone with just his Mum sometimes. This is what happens with blended families or at least with needy, insecure Step Gathers 😂

What kind of 15 and 19 year old wants to hang out with their dad's girlfriend's adult kids and grandkids?

I think deliberately excluding them on your birthday was quite a big statement. You say you were short on room, but it was a takeaway, not a formal dinner; the teenagers would probably have been fine on the sofa. You say you were keeping numbers down due to Covid, but they’re all one household; what were the chances of your mum not having it if they did?

I don’t think it’s really relevant that they sometimes meet your grandparents or his parents as a six. That’s two households meeting up - is that excluding you because they don’t extend it to a third household? Deliberately excluding members of a particular family unit is different. I can’t imagine when they go out with the grandparents that sometimes they say, ‘Yeah, don’t bring Grandad this time; he can be a bit much’.

OP doesn't want the husband and step children there every time because they dominate, not much fun or interesting for
everyone else. OP is NBU.

@episcomama

What kind of 15 and 19 year old wants to hang out with their dad's girlfriend's adult kids and grandkids?

I agree to some extent re the 19 year old but that is unnecessarily downplaying relationships here! The OP’s mum lives as a family unit with her partner and his kids-‘girlfriend’ makes it sound like someone he sees once a week!