Inviting 1 person in a family

[Pinkplums]

Trying to keep this brief, but not drip feed so bare with me.

My DM has a partner and he has 2 kids (19 & 15) they have been together 10 years and live in his home (she’s happy and he is fine but loud and “mr entertainment” the kids are similar)

I see DM a lot on her own as we both have time during the week when partner and kids are in work/school/hobbies, she is a great mum and hands on with my kids including regular childcare.

We keep having the same issue though every few months

Evenings and weekends if we want to see her they all have to come.
It was my birthday recently and I wanted a takeaway at home.
It would have been my family of 4, my DB plus his wife and baby, my grandparents (mums parents) and she was invited but refused to come because I asked that she didn’t bring the whole family.

It’s partly that there isn’t enough space for that many people in my home, partly keeping numbers down with covid but mainly because he and his kids are so dominant. No one else gets a word in edgewise and they wind the kids up to a frenzy each time.

2 weeks before this it was one of his kids birthdays and they had a takeaway at home, invited his family and none of us. I have no interest in going to a 15 year olds birthday so it’s not an issue but when I said that it’s the same thing she said “your always welcome here, I don’t need to invite you”

They regularly do things as a 4 or 6 with grandparents (his parents or hers) but unless it’s during the day, when they are busy, we can’t do anything without inviting the whole family of 4.

What’s the solution to this?

If you were saying you invited her partner but not the kids I think I'd understand. But to not invite her partner seems a bit awkward when everyone else has their families there.

@Buffoonborisisatwat

OP doesn't want the husband and step children there every time because they dominate, not much fun or interesting for everyone else. OP is NBU.

Well that’s families sometimes; particularly in-laws and stepfamilies. Your only connection to them is through someone else, so if you get on it’s really pure luck. But picking and choosing is always going to cause offence.

If the OP never got any one-on-one time with her mother, that would be different. Similarly, if the mother’s partner or kids had somehow mortally offended OP, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask her mum to come alone. But essentially it’s just ‘They’re a bit loud and not my favourite people’.

I think you need to continue to see your mother during the week and see the rest of your family at the weekend and simply don't invite her if you don't want her partner and his children there.

Your home, your decision.
Respect her choice to not visit without them.

@Buffoonborisisatwat

OP doesn't want the husband and step children there every time because they dominate, not much fun or interesting for everyone else. OP is NBU.

That's families for you - but you can't just exclude the people you don't like and expect there not to be consequences.

OP gets plenty of one-on-one time with her mum. Sucking up annoying relatives occasionally is part of family life, isn't it?

Surely you're not expecting her to attend family gatherings without her family?

I have a split family and this is so not okay on your side of the family you invited everyone except her husband and kids. Would you invite your brother and tell him not to bring his wife and kids. The comparison of his family coming and you not being invited isn't the same. It's like ne inviting my whole family and leaving one person's partner and kids out. That isn't the same as me inviting all my DPs family and no one from my side. You need to suck it up if it's a family occasion they need to come otherwise you come across as unkind.

Wanting to spend time alone with your mum is totally fine, I do get that and it's great to do that. But I think you have to expect her partner and his children to be part of their package deal at times when it comes to birthdays etc! I do understand your frustration with their irritating personalities though. Hopefully when your step siblings are older they might not have to come so much.

I have different but slightly similar scenario. I really want to spend time alone with my mum, even just a coffee occasionally. I am 30 but have teen sisters from my mums second marriage. It all revolves around them. I just want some time with my mum when they are at college or something but it never happens. I haven't had any time with my mum for about 15 years. I know they are my sisters but I have nothing in common with today's teenagers 😅 she makes no time for me alone. If we meet up it's always something my sisters want to do! My stepfather has an irritating personality too!

Thank you all for the opinions, lots of people saying IABU so I will take that on the head.

It has helped me see that it’s really less to do with numbers and more the fact that they are such a houseful.

What I can’t work out is why it’s such a thing, I’m apparently welcome at any event but would never turn up at a 15th birthday, there’s no way they want me too.

I wish they could apply the same logic but mum says “they go anywhere if there’s free food” mum does chip in so it’s not a cost thing but to know they are ruining the night just because they want a take away is annoying!

It’s not as simple as just not inviting mum either as she is a terrible sulk and Nan will invite them all even if we don’t.

Sad to say but it was my best birthday in a while as it was so much calmer without them all

Then you need to be firm with your Nan.
She doesn't get to invite someone to your home!
Allow your mother to sulk.

The any free food going remark, is both really rude and annoying.

she was invited but refused to come because I asked that she didn’t bring the whole family

I actually think you were really rude here.

How would your brother have felt if you’d invited him but not his partner/kids?

It sounds like the issue is mostly the behaviour or even the personalities of the partner and teens, not space or COVID. Would you handle it differently if it were (for example) your own dad and younger siblings who acted in ways you don't like? Or your SIL and nephews/nieces? Have you asked them to behave differently - for example, not riling the children up when they're winding down for bed?

Anyway, I think your mother has made the choice clear: either invite all four of them to that type of gathering, or she won't go and will make do with seeing you one on one during the day. She doesn't seem angry from what you've said, just not willing to exclude her family/household from group events. (The teens may lose interest and not want to go anyway at some point soon, food notwithstanding, but the partner is likely to come as a package deal indefinitely.)

YABVU - either invite the whole family or none, you don't get to invite just one person from a household and then sulk because they chose not to come when the rest were explicitly not invited.

Your DM has been with her partner for 10 years, his kids were 5 and 9 when they got together so she has been around for over half their lives. You don't mention whether their mother is around or if they split their time between households but from your OP it appears not, so your DM has had a parental role to those children for a decade, so of course she is going to turn down an invite to a family event that explicitly excludes them.