Hello
I really don’t know what to do. Are the following things normal:
Punching holes in the wall when we argue.
Throwing plates across the room and smashing them, and making holes in the floor because his tea wasn’t cooked properly (it was, he was just in a mood).
Calling me names, and mocking me when I cry. This is what upsets me most, copying my voice, it just makes me so sad and I don’t know why.
Smacking a pan on the worktop, then breaking a spatula, a measuring jug and our washing up bowl by hitting it with the pan because I tried to flip a pancake, and it tore.
Hitting his head against the wall, and denting it.
Punching my chest of drawers until they break.
Smashing a huge mirror on the floor until it broke.
Refusing to have tea because he’s in a mood, and I haven’t decided what we are having, or I have and he doesn’t fancy it.
Making me do all the driving and then shouting at me if I don’t pull out of a junction quick enough, or if I wait too long at a roundabout (I’m now a really nervous driver, which makes this worse).
Refusing to speak to me about why he’s angry.
He used to scream at our cats but he’s stopped that now, and is really nice to them.
Normally things like this happen, then a few hours later I apologise to him and he calms down, but he still is angry with me about his tea not being right last night, which is really out of character.
We aren’t married, but we have a joint mortgage, and three joint cats, who I can’t leave, because they are the only thing stopping me from killing myself.
I’m really struggling in my new job, I find it too complicated, and I’m meant to be studying so I can change careers, but my new books have just arrived and they are massive, and there is no way I can finish them in the timescale I need to not let myself have another breakdown. I’ve recently gone on beta blockers to help my panic attacks, which is good, but now when he gets angry it just makes me really sad instead of panicky. I feel like I want to go and jump off the cliff, I genuinely would do if I didn’t have my cats.
He always has these anger bursts then everything goes back to normal, we plan the rest of our lives together and I love him so so much. But surely he doesn’t love me back if he calls me names and scares me? I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells, but he’s never been violent towards me, so I’m being stupid. I just don’t know what to do, I want to take my cats and run but I’m scared that means I can never get back with him, and I do really love him. And I’m scared he will go to the police for me stealing the cats, even though they are registered as mine at the vets.
I just need a way of fixing my relationship, and then I can focus on my job and studying and everything. I can’t talk to family because the only people i could tell are poorly.
Can anyone help me? Please don’t say leave, I just need help keeping myself together until his work calms down and he gets less angry. Thank you