To ask if this is normal

[ThePigspjs]

Hello

I really don’t know what to do. Are the following things normal:

Punching holes in the wall when we argue.
Throwing plates across the room and smashing them, and making holes in the floor because his tea wasn’t cooked properly (it was, he was just in a mood).
Calling me names, and mocking me when I cry. This is what upsets me most, copying my voice, it just makes me so sad and I don’t know why.
Smacking a pan on the worktop, then breaking a spatula, a measuring jug and our washing up bowl by hitting it with the pan because I tried to flip a pancake, and it tore.
Hitting his head against the wall, and denting it.
Punching my chest of drawers until they break.
Smashing a huge mirror on the floor until it broke.
Refusing to have tea because he’s in a mood, and I haven’t decided what we are having, or I have and he doesn’t fancy it.
Making me do all the driving and then shouting at me if I don’t pull out of a junction quick enough, or if I wait too long at a roundabout (I’m now a really nervous driver, which makes this worse).
Refusing to speak to me about why he’s angry.
He used to scream at our cats but he’s stopped that now, and is really nice to them.

Normally things like this happen, then a few hours later I apologise to him and he calms down, but he still is angry with me about his tea not being right last night, which is really out of character.

We aren’t married, but we have a joint mortgage, and three joint cats, who I can’t leave, because they are the only thing stopping me from killing myself.

I’m really struggling in my new job, I find it too complicated, and I’m meant to be studying so I can change careers, but my new books have just arrived and they are massive, and there is no way I can finish them in the timescale I need to not let myself have another breakdown. I’ve recently gone on beta blockers to help my panic attacks, which is good, but now when he gets angry it just makes me really sad instead of panicky. I feel like I want to go and jump off the cliff, I genuinely would do if I didn’t have my cats.

He always has these anger bursts then everything goes back to normal, we plan the rest of our lives together and I love him so so much. But surely he doesn’t love me back if he calls me names and scares me? I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells, but he’s never been violent towards me, so I’m being stupid. I just don’t know what to do, I want to take my cats and run but I’m scared that means I can never get back with him, and I do really love him. And I’m scared he will go to the police for me stealing the cats, even though they are registered as mine at the vets.
I just need a way of fixing my relationship, and then I can focus on my job and studying and everything. I can’t talk to family because the only people i could tell are poorly.

Can anyone help me? Please don’t say leave, I just need help keeping myself together until his work calms down and he gets less angry. Thank you

You say he’s really stressed at work. You’re really stressed at work. What would happen if you threw the frying pan across the room, told him to make his own fucking tea, kicked him out of the car and told him to walk home? I’m not saying do this I’m saying can you even imagine it? That you would do this when stressed? I think not. Does he love you and do you want this to be your life? I think you know the answer and I think you know you have to leave.

You are in an abusive relationship
It will only get worse
You are on drugs,because his behaviour is affecting you so badly
You need to leave

I suspect that you know this deep down otherwise why would you be asking about your relationship? Leaving is never easy, especially when your finances are tied up together in property, but that's what you need to do.
Good luck.

You are worth so much more than being treated like this. I know that you won't feel that way and that's normal to feel like that particularly due to the extent of his chosen behaviour. However, he deliberately chooses to do these things. He will be completely aware of what he is doing even if he claims the usual lines such as you made him do it, if only you hadn't done such and such, you make him so frustrated by not listening.... the list goes on and on. They're all his pathetic lines in an attempt to justify and to push it onto you as they know that you will end up believing it. It's what people like him do.

I'm sorry to say this but his behaviour is extremely dangerous and it is more than likely going to escalate into him physically abusing you. I also do not want to say this but some of them do tend to harm animals also and/or threaten them in an attempt to keep you under their control.

It is no surprise that you are overwhelmed and are finding it practically impossible to study. Your brain is on high alert and absolutely impossible to go into relax mode as it is the natural instinct to keep yourself alert due to his regular abusive outbursts.

It isn't about work stressing him out which is yet another line from their book. He is choosing to do these things knowing exactly what it is doing to you.

He has already escalated significantly and I would say that you at serious risk of severe harm happening to you.

You need to be safe. Also so do your cats. There are organisations that can arrange foster families who look after pets in different situations and this is one of them that would definitely count. You wouldn't loose them. I understand the fear of losing them but there are people that can help with that. I won't get into if you have family and/or friends that can take them as the abusers always tend to try and cut them off with the standard tactics.

You can email a domestic violence organisation to ask for help and/or advice. Women's Aid does provide this at certain times. If you have a billed mobile phone bill then please do not risk calling them from your phone in case he sees it which he possibly could as that would be a massive safety risk. Make sure you delete anything on your phone about this thread also and any communication with any organisations. History, cookies etc the full lot. Certain sites explain exactly what to do to ensure nothing is left standing out to him in case he looks at your phone as that usually happens. Please be careful.

The only possible way to stop this is to leave. I know that one word conjures up all kinds of terrifying thoughts and emotions but you have to. The practical side with the mortgage etc can all be sorted but first of all you have to get to safety.

As for your concern about him reporting you for removing the cats that will be another made up threat in order to scare you into not leaving. He won't want to have contact with the police due to his abusive behaviour and he is attempting to be sneaky and use your feelings for the cats to scare you into staying. I understand not leaving them there as he is a risk to them also.

If he does attempt to claim that then please don't worry too much. The police are well aware of the amount of times abusers try to turn it around on the person who has left and the fact some like to make false allegations.

You can do this. You do not need to live in constant fear. You can be happy even though I know it probably doesn't feel that way just now. But you can be. You deserve to be. You are good enough and you can have a good life as you deserve to have one. If you ever want to speak then please feel free to message me whenever you want. Thinking of you

This is not normal. It's abuse.

You can't fix it. He will never change except for the worse.

Your only option is to leave.

Not even a little bit normal, my love.

Would you tell your friend to stay in a relationship where he mocked, belittled, scared her? Where he was violent and angry?

You can't fix your relationship - it's not you that's broken it. He has, and you can't fix him. I promise you. I've been there and I've tried, and it won't work.

What you can do is keep yourself and your cats safe, by leaving.

In the immediate term - today, this weekend, speak to Women's Aid about making a plan.

Speak to ANYONE you know in real life - a friend, a colleague, the poorly family member (this is too important not to) - so there's someone to check on you in case you aren't heard from for a while and he's escalated things.

Do you have any savings, access to a credit card, etc? The goal is to get you out safely and quickly, and I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it's the only way to stop living in fear.

I know this is overwhelming, and you're scared. But the spark in you that made you post this, knowing we would all tell you it was dangerous, is what's going to keep you going. Because you are in danger, and you need to get out, and every single brilliant person on this forum is going to say the same and offer you advice and support and give you as much strength as we can.

Make a plan. Tell someone. Be careful not to let him know, because this is often the most dangerous time for abusive partners (hence why you need to tell someone in real life).

Good luck. I've been there and it is so fucking terrifying but I PROMISE you it gets better.

Please don’t say leave

But that is literally the only solution. This repulsive man is turning you into a nervous wreck, do you really want to spend your life like this? Take the cats, they are legally yours and leave before he's smashing a pan into your face and not the work top.

I really don't mean to patronise you @ThePigspjs but this is one of the saddest things I've ever read.

Even one or two of the examples you give are heartbreaking but the overall picture is awfully bleak.

This man had already done enough damage if you are questioning if this is normal (it's not) and blaming yourself (it's all on him)

Leaving really should be your ultimate aim. Even in a flat share / on someone's sofa / in a refuge you will feel better than you do now. It really is the only way.

In the meantime do not agree to get married and do not get pregnant.

Do you have any support network at all? Family? Friends?

Be prepared that this utter cunt of a man will use the cats as leverage if he gets wind of any vague notice you are planning to leave but they really aren't reason enough to stay. Sadly it sounds like this is escalating and if it continues you may end up seriously hurt (or worse)

I cannot tell you how important it is that you extricate yourself from this man and if it means leaving your home and your cats then so be it. I know this sounds harsh but I think the longer you stay the more danger you are in and the harder it will be to leave.

You can go back for the cats after you leave, it it's not possible to leave with them

(Sorry meant to say that!)

Please, please listen to all the messages on here - you need to leave as soon as possible - and DONT tell him you are leaving - JUST GET OUT.

He won’t get ‘less angry’ just more violent, he’ll hit you, he’ll leave you with serious injuries, he might even kill you. He’s deeply, deeply abusive. You need to leave, even if that’s not what you want to hear.

We can't do anything apart from tell you to leave, read back what you have posted....what would you say to someone in the same situation??
I hope you find the courage soon
You would be so much better without him and NONE of his behaviour is normal, nore is ANY of it your fault

The cats are registered to your name and I promise the police won't do anything about you taking them with you to a place of safety.

This cannot be fixed because he is an abuser. Is there anyone else in real life you can confide in? A friend or work colleague you like?

This is an exteremly dysfunctional and dangerous "relationship".

You know this isn't normal otherwise you woudn't have asked.

You don't love this poor excuse of a man. You love what you want him to be. He will never change. His behaviour will escalate, and you need to leave. If you had a daughter living in circumstances like this what would you say to her?

He is abusive. He won't change, and things are very likely to get worse. You're having to ask if these things are normal because things have slowly escalated and you have got used to these things being "normal" as they have slowly got worse and worse. You are struggling with your mental health (and work) because you are so used to living in fight or flight mode, walking on edge shells, thinking through the lense of what he will think about things.

First step is woman's aid. Tell them everything. They can help you access courses that will teach you about the cycle of abuse so you can recognise what's happening. They can help you access counselling. They can help you make a safety plan, both for while you are still living with him and (hopefully) for when you leave.

You deserve better than this. It's not your job to try to help him understand what he's doing or try to make life less stressful so he won't act like this. Life will be so much better once you have broken free, promise. You won't be able to believe how much anxiety will suddenly drop for you. There will still be work to do in order to heal, but it will be so much easier.

Read that list back to yourself as though your best friend has written it then, seeing the vile abuse and violent behaviour she is being subjected to, ask yourself if you'd agree with her saying 'don't tell me to leave'.

You need to leave NOW, before it's more than walls he's punching.

He will not change. This will be your life until you leave.

Really not normal, please leave him for your own good as he will never change.

He won’t ever get less angry. He is the problem, not you. It’s not what you want to hear but you need to leave. I don’t think it’ll be long before it’s your head he’s smashing against a wall.

Please leave. He's an abuser. And a scarily violent one at that. I fear for your safety, as with such violent outbursts already, he's like a ticking time bomb. Please please please, get yourself out, get yourself safe

Also, please just stop. Breathe. Close your eyes. Clear you mind and ask yourself what you want. Your gut knows. Ask yourself how you want to feel. And listen.

You deserve to feel safe, and secure.

You love this man? Deep down, ask yourself, is that true? What do you love? What is about about him that you love? Because honestly, I think that deep down you know that you cannot really love this man. He is hurting you. He is belittling you, abusing you, scaring you. He is not a nice man. He is not a good man. And inside, somewhere, there is a part of you that knows this. Find her. Trust her. You're rational self is doing what she can to cope with her situation. "It will be okay if I do this, that...". No. You cannot fix this. You can stay, and he will grind you down and hurt you more. Or you can leave and be free. You are strong enough to do this. Please believe in yourself and get away from this man

You're in a situation with a vile, abusive pig that makes you want to kill yourself, yet you don't want to leave because you "love" him? This is infuriating to read. Pick your self-respect from off the floor, grab the cats and get the hell out of there. Then get yourself quick sharp into therapy to understand why your self esteem is in the toilet, so you can build your self up to the point where you don't ever consider tolerating this behaviour again. If you had children I might understand your hesitation but there's literally nothing tying you to this prick - set yourself free OP before it escalates to seriousky sinister levels

Jeezo, this is not normal, and you know that. Of course we are going to tell you to leave. If you choose not to, you run the risk of getting really hurt at some point, and very probably sooner rather than later. Please don’t be a statistic - get out now.

No.

And there is nothing you can say to convince me to endorse staying in an abusive relationship. The only answer is leaving.

You're getting a lot of posts saying you need to leave, and I agree with them.

What I'd like to offer is I absolutely think this is what I think is best for you - however I think you need real life support to do so. To make my thoughts very clear, your partner scares me, I think he is capable of being extremely violent towards you if he realises you are going to leave, and I think you need to have everything you need in place including the knowledge / strength to get a non mol in place to protect yourself, and to be in a place you can report every time he breaks it without fail. You need to build an army of support around you for this.

I'm glad you aren't married, or have kids with him.

You can't love half a person, and the person you love is a mask he wears to keep you. It's not real.

In an ideal world you would get yourself to a refuge, get the kitties fostered while you do so, break all ties and rebuild your life. If you can do this, do it. I absolutely think that would be the right choice for you.

Please don’t say leave

But nothing will change if you stay.