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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU for telling him that's not on?

28 replies

Etherel · 11/09/2021 10:04

Friend phoned me yesterday evening. Didn't even say hello, just went straight into telling me about something (minor) that had happened in his life. Lasted 1min of him telling me about his stuff before he cut the call off because another friend of his phoned. Said he'd call me back after. He'd been trying to call her for a few days, apparently. Bit taken aback at being cut off (when he hadn't even asked me anything about my day etc.), but whatever.

He didn't bother phoning back until 3 and a half hours later, by which time I'd been spending the evening with my teen. I messaged back, with a fir bit of salt, "Oh, so you could finally be arsed to ring me back" and he responded "Oh go fuck yourself". I told him how rude I thought he'd been, not greeting me, just dumping his news, then cuttig the call off for his other friend and not phoning back for hours after. Then swearing at me for a barbed comment. I told him I'm no one's second best choice.

He then proceeded to have a rant at me, saying I rip chunks out of him because I'm insecure but it's a free country, so I'm free to do so, and he is free to tell me to go fuck myself.

For background, he's always been quite selfish, dominating hour-long conversations with minute details of his interests while often barely listening to my own, unless it's a shared hobby or I have serious emotional trouble, where he is actually amazing at listening and interacting. But we're talking one conversation in, maybe, 15. Another important piece of context, I've had issues setting boundaries and am just learning to get to grips with mine.

So WIBU to tell him he was out of line? I haven't spoken to him since his rant message, nor do I rellay intend to until he's apologised. But we were meant to be going out for a celebratory meal for him next week and it seems a bit OTT not to go, while I simultaneously don't want to give him the impression he can treat me like an option when nothing better comes along (or swear at me).

OP posts:
GinIronic · 11/09/2021 10:10

This person is not your friend.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/09/2021 10:12

I would just not be friends with him. Life is far too short for this sort of thing.

OurChristmasMiracle · 11/09/2021 10:14

Cut him off. Doesn’t sound like you benefit from the friendship.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/09/2021 10:14

He's not your friend.

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2021 10:14

He’s using you, he’s not a good friend.

SummasMumma · 11/09/2021 10:15

If this person is as you say, I wouldn’t go for the meal - I would spend my money having a nice time with someone who treated me with respect x

CrushedPistachios · 11/09/2021 10:16

Yeah, you definitely need to work more on your boundaries.

You consider friendship something significant that you need to ‘endure’ bad treatment for. It’s not. It’s perfectly acceptable not to tolerate being spoken to like that, you understand that? You don’t owe anyone a plastered on smile across a table to celebrate them after they’ve treated you like this!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/09/2021 10:23

I wouldn't be going for that goddamn meal either.

CormoranStrike · 11/09/2021 10:24

I’d block his number

Forgetaboutme · 11/09/2021 10:24

Only you know how strong this friendship is and if you want it to continue.

I have one or 2 friends who I could imagine doing this and calling me with some goss and hanging up suddenly. Its because we are so close they know I wouldn't be offended. I haven't personally done it to them but I would be comfortable to, again just because we are so close. I have plenty of friends though where we are not this level of closeness and i wouldn't dream of doing this because it would come across as rude.

barskits · 11/09/2021 10:28

Well if he thinks it's a free country and he can say what he likes, then say the same goes the other way, you are sick of his nonsense, and you no longer want him as a friend.

Orgasmagorical · 11/09/2021 10:30

So WIBU to tell him he was out of line?

You could try but from what you say about him it sounds likely he'll take it badly and try blaming you again.

Good for you for putting up boundaries.

Does this person bring anything positive to your life?

Ponoka7 · 11/09/2021 10:33

I've put yabu because passive aggressiveness isn't a form of communication and won't do you any good if you are trying to set boundaries. You'd have been better answering the call and telling him how you felt. You haven't actually told him that it isn't on.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 11/09/2021 10:46

You both sound as bad as one another!

Chloemol · 11/09/2021 10:47

Why exactly are you friends with someone like this? One call in 15 being ok is not acceptable. The call as you described it shows what he actually thinks of you. Personally I would just text back I dont appreciate being spoken to in this manner, please don’t contact me again and block him

ShingleBeach · 11/09/2021 10:55

He sounds self absorbed and behaved badly.

Passive aggression never goes down well.

I think the two of you should now talk rather than message. Be the grown up, Call him and say that all escalated and got unpleasant and maybe you can both revert to friendly adult mode and listen to each other.

And if that doesn’t work, well at least you tried, and the moral high ground remains yours.

I am assuming that what he had to tell you wasn’t death / divorce / disease.

Etherel · 11/09/2021 11:16

Well he just phoned and told me he was justified in swearing at me.
He also made it clear this other friend was more important than me.
I hung up and told him he can celebrate with her then.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 11/09/2021 11:17

He's not your friend. He sounds horrible. Just block his number and move on.

Btw, have you heard of 'intermittent reward'? It's how slot machines and social media are designed to keep you hooked. You don't always get a reward (like, pay out etc) but the chance of getting one is enough to keep you coming back. Abusive people often use this same approach to keep you hooked on the relationship. One in every 15 interactions will be great, for example. They rely on you thinking that the great moments are the real relationship, when actually they are just the 'win' they randomly throw out from time to time to keep you coming back and paying in your cash.

thepeopleversuswork · 11/09/2021 11:24

In some very close friendships I think this sort of behaviour is OK; I have one or two friends where know each other so we’ll that we don’t feel the need for pleasantries.

But this guy sounds rude and thoughtless.

It also sounds as if you are emotionally over-invested in one another and that there is a fair amount of toxic emotional dependency.

Is there a sexual or romantic history here?

I wouldn’t expect a platonic friendship to be this fraught and toxic.

I wouldn’t have had a go, personally. I would just have backed off and left him to it.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 11/09/2021 11:46

Quite right. Good on you.
Prick.

Saz12 · 11/09/2021 11:56

There are a (few) people I’d not have minded the broken phonecall from: interrupting a chatty call to say “really sorry, I have to get this other call, can we catch up later?” isn’t unreasonable imo.

But it doesn’t sound like this guy is actually ever nice to you?! You don’t like him, he never has any interest in your everyday. It all sounds like a very melodramatic pointless situation: how can you be arsed with it?? After this mornings call, I’d imagine you’re not going to rekindle a friendship, and that’s probably for the best.

babouchette · 11/09/2021 12:01

He sounds awful! You don't need someone like that in your life!

pickingdaisies · 11/09/2021 12:06

Good for you for hanging up on him. He's bad for you, you need real friends who don't trample all over your boundaries.

tiredasamother2 · 11/09/2021 12:17

I had a "friend" like this a few years back. Ended up blocking his number / blocked him on social media etc and never spoke to him again.
You don't need people like this in your life.
I'm now very careful who I surround myself with. Only have a couple of friends but they only bring positivity into my life x

debwong · 11/09/2021 12:22

@Etherel

Well he just phoned and told me he was justified in swearing at me. He also made it clear this other friend was more important than me. I hung up and told him he can celebrate with her then.
Well done.

He sounds like a dick.