How to help support/what to say to child starting secondary school and hating it?

[StormyTeacups]

Dd has historically had massive school anxiety resulting in being home educated for a few years. Restarted primary in year 4, in our local small village primary. Eventually thrived, grew massively in confidence etc.

Came to start secondary this year. Couldn't attend same school as most of her friends, she and one other are attending a further away school

She's been fine, very stoical and excited. Day 1 and 2 went fine when only her year group plus one other was in,but it has been downhill from there. It is too big and busy, the corridors are too full, canteen too busy, got knocked over by a big kid in the corridor etc.

All pretty standard, and so far have slowly worked through the tears and refusals to get dressed etc. But she is so down now because all she can focus on is Monday and having to go back.

I assume this is normal ? Do we keep talking it through or have a stock phrase to try to keep it light and stop her dwelling?

She keeps asking me if there are any smaller high schools around, but there really aren't without going private.

I hated secondary too, they are very stressful environments for some people. For now I'd look at strategies to help her cope. Could she avoid the canteen by taking a packed lunch and finding somewhere quieter to eat for example?

I did too, and I went to a comparatively small private school which isn't an optional financially.

The school have been great, she and her friend go to the year office to eat where they get some piece, they have rejigged her timetable so they are together more etc.

I just never know how much is normal and just a matter of comfort zones etc.

I would encourage her to seek out pastoral support. If it is a big school they will have several members of staff trained to help with this. This is really normal for such a big change, and they will have lots of experience teaching coping strategies.

It’s still early days and it’s part of the learning at that age IMO.

I think finding a friend group would help a lot. Do you know any of the other parents so you can hook up your kids? Are there clubs? Can you email a teacher to make them aware, maybe they can get the kids together who joined the new school without their friend group?

And can you create happy and relaxed evenings and weekends?

It’s a stressful time for all, also it brings up own memories.

I think it depends on the person but for some the best you can expect is they just learn to keep their head down and survive secondary. Not everyone is going to enjoy it or feel comfortable there because it just doesn't suit everyone.

This is all true. She has mentioned a few names, but says they're not friends which I have reassured her about as it is such early days! She has also seen a few primary school friends.

I have also tried the tack that school is only one part of her life, she still has scouts, skateboarding, sailing etc with old friends and family

Oh bless her.
I think it is normal, to a certain extent, yes.
And probably more so for kids the last 2 intakes with Covid disruption.
Add to that your daughter's own particular circumstances and it's understandable she feels anxious.

I think you should probably absolutely assure her that you will listen and take on board all her fears and unhappiness about it, but gently and firmly say it's still too early to definitely decide.

It probably will get better. Once she's found that one all important friend. And she won't be alone in feeling like this now. She truly won't.

Not sure how helpful this is but i can empathise with her and i am a teacher!! Especially after Covid, secondary school movement times seem very busy. I would talk to her about finding quieter areas and carving out some space for herself in the day if at all possible. Maybe consider highlighting the issue to a (sympathetic) member of the pastoral team if she doesn't feel better after a week or so and see if there are any quieter areas around the school. For example, we have a small quiet garden, some schools even have wellbeing rooms for this. It doesn't help the movement time between lessons though. Sometimes i I think that is to do with getting used to it and having a friend to walk along with, if she can cultivate that, that might help. it might sound strange but maybe take her to a busier punlic space and point out how everyone is just getting on with their business and how she can negotiate round them. Hope that makes sense and really hope she feels more settled soon.

Does she have any additional needs that are causing the anxiety?

Secondaries are overwhelmingly to new year 7s, even those who are not usually phased by such things. It must be very tough for those who dislike the school environment in the first place.

I guess all you can tell your daughter is that it takes time (think 2 terms of it, not just a few weeks). But honestly, I'd look at what plan B might be if she really can't cope (no need to mention to her that there is a plan B just yet unless you think it would help).

Do the school run lunchtime clubs that she might be interested in? Precovid my kids school ran lots, including quiet ones like knitting club for those kids who just wanted a calm, structured activity and chance to sit quietly and chat.

Poor her I can imagine that this is very stressful. Could she do a school extra curricular activity regularly to meet people? I also wonder if her school has a library? Can be a quieter environment for kids finding things tough.

And yes, bodger makes a good point. If she has additional needs making sure these are supported is crucial.

Being knocked over (as opposed to bumped into) is not ok. Do school know she was sent flying to the floor?

If it is causing anxiety, and she has previous school refusal, I'd talk to school about her and a friend being allowed to leave the class just before the bell to get her most of the way to her next class before the rush.

The school have been fab so far, I have emailed a genuinely complimentary message and raised the idea of a year 7 area for lunch, maybe a classroom or something.

I don't think she has any additional needs. If she does they haven't been identified previously. I am never sure what is within the range of normal especially as she is our first. She's a fabulous girl, so well loved by all of us and her previous school.

@StormyTeacups

Dd has historically had massive school anxiety resulting in being home educated for a few years. Restarted primary in year 4, in our local small village primary. Eventually thrived, grew massively in confidence etc.

Came to start secondary this year. Couldn't attend same school as most of her friends, she and one other are attending a further away school

She's been fine, very stoical and excited. Day 1 and 2 went fine when only her year group plus one other was in,but it has been downhill from there. It is too big and busy, the corridors are too full, canteen too busy, got knocked over by a big kid in the corridor etc.

All pretty standard, and so far have slowly worked through the tears and refusals to get dressed etc. But she is so down now because all she can focus on is Monday and having to go back.

I assume this is normal ? Do we keep talking it through or have a stock phrase to try to keep it light and stop her dwelling?

She keeps asking me if there are any smaller high schools around, but there really aren't without going private.

I have 2 boys. They went to a lovely fluffy Primary. But suddenly they get thrown into Secondary and it’s a huge learning curve.

My older boy is only 14 but since starting at his Secondary, he was bullied - and he’s a 6footer for size 13 feet. But very sensitive. He was coming home saying I want to leave, I want to go xxx school.

I looked into the school that he wanted to go to. Even worse! I said to him, the same thing is going to happen, so options are:

1. Stick up for yourself.

1. Man up (just the once)

So he did! Some little shit was calling him a fat pig. My son turned around and punched him. So my ever so gentle and sensitive son came home shaking with adrenaline and fear. He said he was really scared but kind of knew he had to do this.
So what I’m saying is she has to make a stand.
It’s so hugely different for boys and girls, not physically! But she has to use her power of language.
It’s not in any way acceptable to speak to another person like that. (Assuming your daughter is at a single sex school). Look I think your daughter has to reply with very articulate phrases.
We have been though the whole #bekind phase. She has to articulate this.
It’s going to be frightening for you both, but stick with it. She has to assert herself.

Just seconding the idea to hang out in the library a lot. Not only is it usually a quiet space, but it's a good way to meet similar kids.

I would just be sure you have checked for any underlying needs, as school anxiety and a real struggle with secondary are two red flags. Often girls are massively under diagnosed. Would recommend you have a look at female presentation of ASD and ADHD as a starting point.

@Kapalika what are you talking about? There is no suggestion at all that the OPs dd is being bullied or even spoken to unkindly.

Library is a good idea, thanks. As is asking to leave class a few mins early. I know she'll be worried about standing out, but worth a chat.

I will also ask her old teacher in primary about whether he thinks there is any more to it, he taught her for the last 2 yrs and knows her very well. I know there is a danger of pathologising a very normal reaction to situations, but definitely worth looking at.

On the plus side after a good night's sleep she sees her normal self, has approached me to download the Google classroom app and we talked about lunch boxes so maybe feeling a little more ok after a sleep. I suspect tomorrow will be a little different.

This is so sad to read. Secondary schools are so overwhelming for some children. My DS used to go to the library at lunchtimes in year 7 and made a little group of friends there. It seems like a safe space, away from the noisy crowds. It sounds like the school are being great. Hopefully she'll get used to it soon and settle down.

She could meet criteria for ADHD/ASD - but it wouldn't actually change the situation so could be a distraction from practical steps to make things better. And those diagnoses are hard to get and schools extremely limited in what they have the capacity to provide.

I do think UK schools have become too big. An awful lot of transition problems would go away if senior schools had more like 400 or 500 students rather than thousands.

It would definitely be worth considering special needs further if issues persist after year 7.

Great idea to speak to primary teacher - he may also know of DC further up the school from the same primary who could informally buddy?

Am a secondary librarian - defo tell her to go there! We always get some who you can immediately tell are a bit overwhelmed, and we’d try and find them a nice book or activity and a quiet(ish) corner. Easiest done if she comes at a quieter time though.

Do they run a homework club after school? In our place that would be a great way of coming at a much quieter time, getting to know the librarians and the library so she’d feel more confident coming in st busier times. But I realise staying after timetabled hours may not be possible if may be too much for her.

Yes, that's true.

You're right that 'diagnosing' would be more about giving an explanation than a solution, and actually it may just be time that she needs, and to understand that how she feels is totally normal.

Her entire primary school was the same size as her yr 7, and at a 210 intake it isn't massive by modern standards. We were talking yesterday about how the small primary school has made for a harder transition upwards, but equally it was perfect for her. She keeps saying she wishes her primary also did secondary. 😁 If we had the money for a smaller private option that may solve the problem, but is not really possible

They do do lots of after school clubs, that she mentioned when she was feeling more confident but isn't sure about at the moment. At the beginning of the week she was all about getting the bus this week etc...but that is now off the cards for now which is fine.

Good idea about the library. I think they are so pushed for time at lunch it is hard, 4hwy got out of one class 15 mins late and didn't have time eat anything really one day.