How to help support/what to say to child starting secondary school and hating it?

[StormyTeacups]

Dd has historically had massive school anxiety resulting in being home educated for a few years. Restarted primary in year 4, in our local small village primary. Eventually thrived, grew massively in confidence etc.

Came to start secondary this year. Couldn't attend same school as most of her friends, she and one other are attending a further away school

She's been fine, very stoical and excited. Day 1 and 2 went fine when only her year group plus one other was in,but it has been downhill from there. It is too big and busy, the corridors are too full, canteen too busy, got knocked over by a big kid in the corridor etc.

All pretty standard, and so far have slowly worked through the tears and refusals to get dressed etc. But she is so down now because all she can focus on is Monday and having to go back.

I assume this is normal ? Do we keep talking it through or have a stock phrase to try to keep it light and stop her dwelling?

She keeps asking me if there are any smaller high schools around, but there really aren't without going private.

If she had such severe school anxiety before, why did you not contact both the senco and HoY before she started? Please send them both an email this weekend, explaining the current situation, and as ask what support mechanisms can be put in place, more pastoral support, allocated another buddy etc.

They know, and have done throughout due to the appeals process that we went through to change schools.

She is also a totally different child to the one we pulled out in year 1, and went back in year 4.

Firstly it sounds like you are doing a great job. Do I detect a hint of guilt that you can't afford private school? If so you can throw that feeling straight in the bin. Your daughter has a safe home, loving family and so do not beat yourself up about private school.

Keep in mind she will get bigger and that will make school feel smaller. Give it time - settling in takes longer than we always want it to. But she is going in the right direction. She has conquered the bus issue and you are guiding her through the next one. You'll get there.

I don't know whether your daughter's experience is normal or something more. I'm relating to her and feel really sad for her, but I could be (hopefully) just projecting. I hated school so much and I actually don't think I've fully recovered from it over 20 years on. I still wish something could have been done about those years of misery. I certainly couldn't have seen school as just one part of my life. It totally dominated everything except school holidays.

I'm actually a secondary school teacher now and I hate how many children are failed in various ways by our whole system.

I really hope your daughter finds a happy place in school. If she has a decent friend or two then that's a great start (I had people to hang around with, but no real friends).

[quote Porcupineintherough]**@Kapalika* what are you talking about? There is no suggestion at all that the OPs* dd is being bullied or even spoken to unkindly.[/quote]
I obviously misread. All I can do is apologise.🤷🏻‍♀️

@Phineyj

Please do not give the op false information with regards SEND.

Girls tend to present very differently than boys with regards AdHD/ASD and as this has been a problem since early in her life it’s absolutely worth going to the gp and asking to be referred to the Paediatrition to start the process. It’s a big red flag that she’s doesn’t seem to like crowded noisy places which secondary schools can be. SEND children don’t come with a big sign on their heads they are individuals who all present differently. Just waiting to the end of year is just delaying the inevitable. It sounds like school need to look any sensory needs

It wouldn’t change the situation as it is now and it takes time to be seen and school don’t need a diagnosis to take action.

Are there any extra curricular clubs she could join to meet some people with similar interests?

What false information did I give ? I have a child with those diagnoses myself. Having a diagnosis doesn't make a big school into a small one or magically create a budget to support DC. It's a long term thing not a short term fix for year 7 transition difficulties.

Although I see we agree really. I love how people say blithely 'ask for a referral' though. We had to do every single thing ourselves and it's cost us about £3k so far. The pandemic has made a slow process glacial. Our GP knew less about ADHD and ASD than we did. I had to give her notes .

Your daughter needs some support and tools to help her manage her anxiety. CBT approaches are helpful here. Emotional based school avoidance is endemic post covid and your daughter's primary history puts her at risk. Unlikely to go away of its own accord. Dr Tina Rae has some good materials on YouTube/Twitter to help you help her. School should have a support plan. Parent support from Young Minds and
notfineinschool.co.uk/young-people

Following this chat I have emailed the year office again and had a response within the hour. They offered a card to allow her put of lessons 5 minutes early so she can get the majority of the way between classes before the hordes. As well as the use of the office for lunches and they're going to refer her for some help and coping strategies within school to help her anxiety. I feel very reassured by their response so fingers crossed 🤞

I spoke to dd about it, I wasn't sure whether to raise the subject and bring it to the forefront of her mind again, but thought perhaps it might reassure her. Which it did I think, she seemed keen on the idea of the extra 5 mins.

Brilliant that the school have responded like this. Hope it helps her. They/you can now see how she gets on and monitor her. From my experience in school, it's best to flag up things in Y7 so a good SEN/ pastoral team can support from the beginning where needed. That's whay theh are there for.
You sound like such a great mum, op.

How's she getting on this week so far, OP? I am still good friends with my best friend from secondary (we're both knocking 50). She mentioned the other day she hated her first weeks at secondary. I didn't know that!

Not good so far, thanks for asking. Had to physically push her through the door which wasn't great! Hard to know how temporary these feelings are 🤷

Hi, my daughter has been at her new high school for a week (yr7). Her move up days in July went brilliantly and her first day at school seemed ok. However, she has got herself in a complete state and keeps refusing to go in as she feels sick. The sickness is completely anxiety as she is fine in the evenings / weekends. This morning she wouldn’t get dressed. I managed to get her in in tears and the pastoral team have been great. But as a mother all you want to do is give in and give them the day off - I’m thinking this is not a good idea but not sure how to handle it. She has friends in her class. I think some of this is covid related as that really freaks her out and last week she had to do two lateral flow tests at school. Please tell me it gets easier!!??

There is a website called Not Fine in School that may have advice/resources.