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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Currently sat here fuming

68 replies

jessieb90 · 11/09/2021 04:34

Hi all,

Currently laid here very annoyed and wanted to see whether I'm over reacting or if I should have a convo with my other half in the morning!

My partner and I agreed that one night a week he would do the night shift so I can have a night where I don't have to get out of bed/ "uninterrupted sleep". Our DS is pretty good and usually only wakes up once or twice max so it's not too gruelling at the moment. I do the night shifts every other night of the week as my boyfriend works full time and needs to be able to concentrate but tonight/ this morning, DS has woken up (on his shift) and he's said "you change the nappy, whilst I make the bottle to bring up" - erm no! This is my "night off"! I said started to do it and expressed I wasn't happy which he replied I do that with you - yes sometimes he does but NEVER during the early morning hours feed (maybe with the exception of once or twice) and I only ever fed DS in bed when it's the morning feed (between 6 and 7) once again I never feed in bed during the night feed as it is disruptive!

Anyway, I feel robbed of my "one night off" and am on the verge of angry tears. It's probably because I'm tired but I'm thinking well I'm fuming and wide awake now I may as well have done the fucking night shift!

AIBU and over reacting or should I have a word? He's pretty good with helping overall (maybe give himself a bit more credit than he deserves) so I feel like sometimes I can't complain as I know/ hear of some woman that literally do it ALL by themselves!

Honest thoughts are appreciated!

OP posts:
arcof · 11/09/2021 04:36

You're not being unreasonable. Can you try again tomorrow night? Or if not next week, and make sure expectations are clearly set, I'd give him another chance to make it right. And while you're at it, can he not do rhe early night parts in the week so you can rest say between 6pm and 11pm? At least some evenings?

Original poster
jessieb90 · 11/09/2021 04:38

@arcof thanks for your post! I'm gonna ask him to do it again tomorrow night and like you said set out clear instructions! I just think I need to calm down before approaching the subject as I think I'll bite his head off.

He could do, and he does sometimes but I think I've gotten into a habit where I just automatically go upstairs and get him sorted if you know what I mean. I'll definitely propose that to him. Thank you!

OP posts:
Emelene · 11/09/2021 04:41

I’d tell him that as you didn’t have a night off you need a different one. Very clear expectations. YANBU.

PennyWus · 11/09/2021 04:41

Hi, exhaustion-induced rage, I know it well! Wait till morning then tell him calmly and sweetly that as he woke you for th early feed you will be claiming your night off again tonight. Let the red rage fizzle away, ime just creates misery with no improvement.

twelvefiftynine · 11/09/2021 04:42

You should be getting more than one night op. He can survive.

Sashimiandhisthunderpaws · 11/09/2021 04:46

Not unreasonable. Tomorrow night/tonight it's take 2. This time you sleep in another room to your partner and child. Hopefully you get some uninterrupted sleep.

Original poster
jessieb90 · 11/09/2021 04:50

Thanks all. Trying to get back to sleep now. Will have the conversation with him x

OP posts:
Sashimiandhisthunderpaws · 11/09/2021 04:55

Also get up and make yourself a drink, something soothing like chamomile tea to calm yourself/de-rage. Then hop into bed with some relaxing sleep music. Otherwise you'll be stewing and not able sleep and then dropping off only for your child to be waking up again.

Coyoacan · 11/09/2021 04:55

He's pretty good with helping overall

Change your language, OP.

Who is he "helping" when he is attending to his own child or doing housework in the house he lives in?

Original poster
jessieb90 · 11/09/2021 04:57

@Coyoacan

He's pretty good with helping overall

Change your language, OP.

Who is he "helping" when he is attending to his own child or doing housework in the house he lives in?

So true! Thank you!
OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2021 06:13

Gob smacked that he thinks having a night off is him helping you. I agree with trying again tonight.

thelegohooverer · 11/09/2021 06:16

I do the night shifts every other night of the week as my boyfriend works full time and needs to be able to concentrate

I’m going to challenge this. Single parents do night feeds and work.

Continually disrupting your sleep is dangerous to your health. And one night of uninterrupted sleep a week won’t restore it. Your body will prioritise one type of brain activity on the first full night of sleep, and when it’s caught up will prioritise the other. But if you’ve been missing sleep, you will wake up feeling exhausted after only one nights sleep.

Is there any real reason he couldn’t do a week of night feeds to give you some recovery time. Getting to experience repeatedly broken sleep cycles will also cure him of his lack of consideration.

Shoxfordian · 11/09/2021 06:21

Did he wake you up to ask you to do it or were you awake anyway? Agree though he’s not helping, he’s parenting which is both of your jobs equally

Sweettruelies · 11/09/2021 06:23

What’s his job that he cannot possibly be disturbed for six nights a week? If he is a surgeon or a long distance lorry driver, fair enough. If he’s sitting on his arse in an office, he needs to be helping more.

FlamesEmbersAshes · 11/09/2021 06:28

I’d be raging too. It’s a shitty way for I’m to behave and very selfish.

My ex used to continually prioritise his own sleep over mine even when I was exhausted. It was easier once I left tbh. I still did everything on my own but I didn’t have the huge burning rage to deal with that he could have parented his baby but didn’t.

tickledtiger · 11/09/2021 06:29

He owes you a night shift.

Starfish1021 · 11/09/2021 06:35

He owes you more than another night. Why can’t he alternate with you?

Wole · 11/09/2021 06:38

Omg we had exactly the same issue. I ended up snapping and in tears. I just couldn't get why he couldn't do the whole thing. I do it every night

Wole · 11/09/2021 06:38

Make sure you're getting a lie in one day at the weekend too if at all possible

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 11/09/2021 06:44

Yeah, you need to erase the concept of his "helping" you from both your vocabularies. That word reinforces the message to both him AND you that bringing up a baby is woman's work and anything that he does parenting-wise is therefore worthy of a confetti parade.

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 11/09/2021 07:13

My husband worked full time and we each did every other night. He survived.

Why is he only doing one night, and I'd be furious that he couldn't even be bothered to do that. You need your sleep too. He's being selfish.

Dustyblue · 11/09/2021 07:35

Oh my, I remember this well. The rage is intense!

He needs to understand what Uninterrupted Sleep means for a start.

One thing that stuffed my 'nights off' was that I could hear the baby waking and every bit of DH trying to feed/settle him, so I'd be awake and stressing the whole time anyway. How far away are you from the action?

I don't totally agree that the one who works gets to sleep every night. Looking after a baby all day on NO SLEEP is WORK!!!

I'd try to stress the importance of the odd stretch of uninterrupted sleep. Apart from recharging you a little bit, it can help prevent longer term sleep issues. My DS is 5 and I still can't sleep for more than a few hours.

Good luck, I feel your pain (and ragey-ness)

GoodnightGrandma · 11/09/2021 07:41

Do you have mother room you can sleep in so that you’re not disturbed at all ?

lannistunut · 11/09/2021 07:43

@Coyoacan

He's pretty good with helping overall

Change your language, OP.

Who is he "helping" when he is attending to his own child or doing housework in the house he lives in?

Agree. He is not 'helping' FFS, he is doing (or rather not doing) his fair share.
HugeAckmansWife · 11/09/2021 07:43

My ex was willing to do night stuff but was slow to wake, faffed about, didn't prep stuff in advance etc so I'd end up awake and doing things anyway. We agreed in the end that I'd do all mid - night stuff but he'd do the early morning (DS would regularly wake about 5am). He took DS downstairs and I'd ge about 2 hours or so. Would that work?