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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this inappropriate or am I overreacting?

48 replies

Tinkerbellone · 10/09/2021 19:59

Sorry if this is waffly.
DD14 at school today. New places in all lessons. In Maths lesson the boy next to her puts his hand on her thigh, she looks down, he looks down and he starts rubbing her thigh.

She said she didn't know what to do. She panicked. Froze. The Teacher was teaching so she felt like she couldn't make a fuss.

After the lesson was over she told her friend who went with her to tell the class teacher.
The teacher listened and said 'I'm sorry that happened to you. It was inappropriate. I will move you to the back of the class for next lesson.'

I'm assuming there are spare seats there at the back.

She seems happy it will be sorted. She's not overly upset.
I'm concerned about her response when it happened...and whether I should expect school to contact me? Is this a common problem at secondary? Should I call school?
I appreciate it's a Friday and I can't really do anything now. So many things here I'm not happy about.

Advice much appreciated x

OP posts:

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 10/09/2021 20:03

Secondary teacher. I would have said the same AND let your daughter know that I would be informing the pastoral/ safeguarding team (we have a duty to do so). In fact, I may have taken your daughter straight there. I wouldn't be happy with what the teacher said either and I'm surprised they didn't consider this a safeguarding issue, that's really poor!

RocketPanda · 10/09/2021 20:03

I would be asking why the school is not moving the boy and punishing him for what he did. It was very highly inappropriate what he did.

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 10/09/2021 20:05

To answer your questions: I wouldn't call home, not sure if pastoral would. Yes, this is very common sadly (as Everyone's invited showed). No harm in calling the school!

ANameChangeAgain · 10/09/2021 20:05

Your poor daughter.
Sadly it is all too common. When I attended senior school in the 80s what we now rightly call sexual assaults, or boys being handsy, was all an every day occurrence. Sadly so is your dd's response.
Can you ask school about addressing this on a whole school basis? Teaching the girls how to punch the little shits react and defend and boys to keep their hands to themselves?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2021 20:06

Why should your daughter be the one who has to move? You should also tell your daughter to never be afraid to cause a scene if she's being assaulted or threatened. She is not responsible for covering up someone else's wrongdoings.

HelloHummingbird · 10/09/2021 20:06

You have no idea what the teacher did apart from move your DD they may well have followed their Safeguarding policy so don't start bashing on here until you're sore they haven't. Therefore call in tomorrow to find out.

HelloHummingbird · 10/09/2021 20:06

You're sure *

TheCanyon · 10/09/2021 20:09

I remember being the only girl in a craft and design class aged 14/15, some wee twat was forever trying to touch me. I would smack his hand away until I eventually completely lost my shit at him, as did the teacher when he realised what was happening, he wasn't allowed back in the class.

Freezing is a completely normal reaction, but you need your dd to be more confident in speaking up at the time. A simple do not touch me said loud enough for others to hear.

Poor kid

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 10/09/2021 20:09

Report it. He's a budding sexual predator.

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 10/09/2021 20:10

@HelloHummingbird

As a teacher I always mention to pupils that I'm going to pass this information on to our pastoral team in situations like this. Not unlikely they'd want her to write a statement, and ideally not after three days have passed. FWIW, I don't think OP is teacher bashing

LawnFever · 10/09/2021 20:12

I’d be questioning why your dd needs to move? She’s done nothing wrong whatsoever- this boy needs to move, and is a teacher going to speak to him to tell him why?

If your daughter is moved it gives completely the wrong message.

justthecat · 10/09/2021 20:13

No it’s not good enough raise it higher

Original poster

Tinkerbellone · 10/09/2021 20:16

@HelloHummingbird I really am not teacher bashing. I thought he responded in a way that my daughter felt heard and understood and taken seriously. I was unhappy that she was to be moved & not the boy but that may change when the teacher has a think.
Also that boy is someone's son. He might be awkward at an attempt at something he's seen online to attract a girl. He's made a wrong move without thinking ...Or there maybe something sinister behind it.

OP posts:

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 10/09/2021 20:18

Your poor DD, I hope she’s okay. Agree with PPs that it would be good to teach her to speak up next time (not blaming her for staying silent, I would have done the same at her age). Sad that she’s had to learn this life lesson so young though.
I would want to speak with the school on Monday to find out what they have done/are planning to do about it. Just moving her away from him is not sufficient, that teaches him nothing and he’ll go on to do it again.
If that happened in a workplace he would be fired so there is no reason for the school to be brushing it under the carpet.

WelshMumof1 · 10/09/2021 20:18

I would definitely call and ask to speak to someone about it. It should have been documented by the teacher in case of repeat occurrences, and I would expect the boy to have been spoken to. Ask what their safeguarding policy is, and ensure that all steps have been followed. If this is a first instance, and he was apologetic, I doubt it would go further, but you have a right to know that it's been taken seriously and he has at the very least been given an official talking to that this behaviour is not acceptable and should never happen again.

I would also voice concerns about your daughter being the one who has to move, as this makes it seem like she is the one being punished. Don't go in all guns blazing, but do ask to see the evidence that this has been taken seriously and appropriately.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 20:21

Ideally I would want to know that the boy was being dealt with, and therefore I’d want it to be a formal complaint/discipline procedure. So seems school should be doing more.

I’d reassure your DD that freezing is a fairly common reaction but she shouldn’t be afraid to say loudly ‘Stop touching me!’ because it was not her fault, he was behaving inappropriately and she shouldn’t be worried or embarrassed to point that out immediately. Make sure she knows you’re proud she spoke up after class.

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 10/09/2021 20:23

@Tinkerbellone

*@HelloHummingbird* I really am not teacher bashing. I thought he responded in a way that my daughter felt heard and understood and taken seriously. I was unhappy that she was to be moved & not the boy but that may change when the teacher has a think. Also that boy is someone's son. He might be awkward at an attempt at something he's seen online to attract a girl. He's made a wrong move without thinking ...Or there maybe something sinister behind it.

This is very perceptive. It's exactly because you don't know whether he's being clumsy or predatory that it is so important that it is looked into further.

I would like to add though that having to move seats is no big deal, especially not in the first week of term, when teachers are still finalising seating plans. Would have been nice if the teacher had said he'd move the boy though, I agree.

FatAnneTheDealer · 10/09/2021 20:26

The back of the class, at least in my day, was where they put troublemakers and those who didn’t care about the lesson and just messed about. My tentative advice is not to accept that solution (tentative only because I don’t necessarily know about the back of the class). The front would be, in my view, a much better plan. Then the teacher can easily monitor anything untoward going on.

Verbena87 · 10/09/2021 20:26

The latest Keeping Children Safe In Education guidance is really clear that schools must adopt and maintain a zero tolerance approach to sexual harrassment/sexual assault (which is what non consensual touching is, legally). I’d contact them and check it’s been recorded as a safeguarding incident and that the boy has been spoken to.

User5827372728 · 10/09/2021 20:28

I would sit and have a chat with my daughter about how to protect herself and talk through options of what she could do if this happens again.

I would call the school first thing Monday morning and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead. I would ask them what they have done about this situation and ask why no one called to inform you. I would ask what I’d being done with that boy, has his family been informed, will he be moved rather than your DD, will they be putting on any interventions in place to try and teach this boy about consent etc.

Boredhimtodeath · 10/09/2021 20:36

Ring school on Monday. All schools should have been discussing the everyone’s invited information this last week so more than ever I would expect them to report it properly. If not it will highlight to senior management that staff are still not taking issues seriously and they will issue further training.

Original poster

Tinkerbellone · 10/09/2021 20:39

@Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever
Thank you.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tinkerbellone · 10/09/2021 20:43

I've asked her to tell me exactly what happed and she said he dropped his hand between their chairs and with his little finger, played with a loose thread on her PE leggings. She moved her leg away from him. Then he reached with his fingers and touched her leg, then he rubbed her thigh and squeezed it and then dropped his hand away.
To me this sounds deliberate. Not a clumsy attempt at something.

OP posts:

PheasantsNest · 10/09/2021 20:44

Tell her if it happens again to pick his hand up and hold it in the air and asks if it belongs to anyone. I had a creep try it on me. He soon got off the bus we were on.

TartanJumper · 10/09/2021 20:45

your poor daughter :(
You are not overreacting.

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