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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lie about dates (TW termination)

47 replies

OhFuckTwaddle · 10/09/2021 15:31

I've found out I'm pregnant and my head is a mess with what to do. The father is some one who I had a brief relationship with before some pretty serious red flags became apparent and I ended things. There is absolutely no way I could co parent with him and I'm pretty certain ending the pregnancy is the right thing to do.

This issue is the logistics of having a termination. I'm a single parent of a pre school aged DD, I don't have many friends, so it's not like I have an abundance of support. I don't have a lot of family around, those I do won't be supportive. I have one evening and one full day when DD is at her dads. I've spoke to BPAS who have estimated me to be 9 weeks along, and I have a telephone consultation In a week and a half's time. This puts me out of the time limit to get medical abortion pills by posts (which would allow me to take them on my DD free evening and hopefully get the worst over with the next day when I'm also by my self Sad).

Given that you can have a medical abortion, at a clinic, up to 24 weeks would I really be so terrible if I rang a different clinic and tweaked the dates slightly to try make it with in the time limit? If not I have no idea how I will get to and from a clinic for either a medical or surgical abortion (I live quite far away, a lot of advice suggests not driving due to pain relief but I would be a hell of a long time on public transport, and in the car tbh).

I know the whole post is a bit blunt and unemotional, I'm just trying to work out what the hell do without wasting more time Sad

OP posts:
Cas112 · 10/09/2021 15:35

No course not. There is a reason them time frames are in place.

You might end up having a failed abortion

CoffeeRunner · 10/09/2021 15:35

I think the danger is the tablets won't work reliably past a certain stage of pregnancy.

I had to have a surgical termination several years ago as I didn't find out I was pregnant until 10/11 weeks along. I'm pretty sure that was the reason given for no tablets after a certain point.

ErickBroch · 10/09/2021 15:36

From my experience they scan and check themselves, so I am not sure what lying will do? Surgical is a better option, in my opinion, in many ways. You could have it done during school-hours or when your DC is at dads? Flowers

ErickBroch · 10/09/2021 15:36

If you lie, and get the medical tablets, there is a strong chance you will
have complications. I wouldn't want to risk that.

ViciousJackdaw · 10/09/2021 15:40

Rather than lying to the clinic, how about lying to your relatives? Perhaps you need a D&C or an ablation because you have 'women's problems'?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/09/2021 15:40

Its for your health so ywbu. You may end up in hospital having to sort out childcare for much longer if things went wrong.

I would tell you family a lie about why you're in hospital, there are plenty of day procedures.

Definitely speak to the clinic about your transport issues, they may be able to help.

Original poster
OhFuckTwaddle · 10/09/2021 15:40

BPAS site suggests that medical abortion is the same before and after 10 weeks, the only reason for having to go to the clinic is for extra pain relief if required I think, though I could be incorrect. I only have one full day where I will be child free, but all site say you can only drive home if you feel well enough (what if I don't?) And by public transport the journey is around 3 hours each way

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2021 15:43

I can see it seems like a way out but I wouldn’t lie, limits are for a reason. You risk complications or it not working. Surely her Dad or family will take her if you are in hospital (don’t say what for - lots of reasons you may need a day procedure).

MartyHart · 10/09/2021 15:44

You don't have to tell anyone the reason you need childcare beyond "women's trouble" can't you ask her dad to look after her because you need "medical treatment"?

mindutopia · 10/09/2021 15:46

If I had to be the care of a small child, I’d absolutely opt for the surgical option. Apart from the logistics of getting someone to take you there and home, it’s much easier and less painful. I had to have one for a missed mc and the midwife said if it was her it would definitely be her choice 100x over because it’s much faster and not as hard on your body. I wasn’t alone after, but I would have managed fine if I’d needed to look after dc by myself. Could you tell your ex you need to have an operation and ask for him to have your dc a bit longer?

Original poster
OhFuckTwaddle · 10/09/2021 15:46

Her dad won't take her. I've been in hospital over night recently for other reasons, I still rush about sorting out people to watch DD whilst he was at work Sad

OP posts:
AngeloMysterioso · 10/09/2021 15:48

The time limit isn’t arbitrary, it’s there to keep you safe. It’s not something you just “tweak” for your own convenience.

Could you try another provider and see if you can get a consultation sooner?

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/09/2021 15:48

I had a cyst removed as a day patient, I also had to go for a day procedure after a smear test came back with some abnormal cells.

Either of those would be a good reason to tell your family members or your dcs dad for babysitting, also if you get a lift from family with the whole covid thing they can't come in with you so you would be able to say anything.

Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2021 15:48

Is a taxi possible financially? Or bus there and ask a friend to pick up (again no need to say what procedure had unless want to) Lots of the don’t drive after is cautionary. Obviously don’t drive if unwell but I’d probably chance it - take bucket to be sick in, blankets, flask etc. Worse case scenario you could sleep in car for few hours until feel up to driving.

LukeEvansWife · 10/09/2021 15:49

When I had my surgical abortion, I went in at 2.00 pm and was on the train home by 5.30 - so unless it’s changed since then, you won’t have to be in all day,

Don’t lie about the dates - as PP say, it may well fail

Dyrne · 10/09/2021 15:50

I agree with others, what if you have complications?

If I were you I’d tell a white lie to friends/family and invent a gynaecological issue - maybe an ovarian cyst?

Original poster
OhFuckTwaddle · 10/09/2021 15:51

Resting in the car is a good option, I don't get DD back until early next morning, so surely would feel well enough to drive home by then

OP posts:
WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 10/09/2021 15:53

I think you should really follow medical advice on this. I understand your dilemma but don’t put yourself at risk. Perhaps you could speak to the clinic about your concerns about surgical treatment and see what they have to say.

ThreeLocusts · 10/09/2021 16:01

I support what other have said above - white lie to relatives about nature of procedure, ask them to help. What a shitty situation, all the best.

Iwonder08 · 10/09/2021 16:12

You need to set your priorities straight. Abortion first, other responsibilities after. Can the dad take the daughter earlier? If not get a babysitter/nanny for 1 day. You can explain to your daughter you are unwell.

CousinKrispy · 10/09/2021 16:35

I had to go home in a taxi after mine, I wouldn't have been well enough to drive (though fine by the next day). I think it's better to be honest to the clinic as you want to receive the most appropriate care.

I know it's hard sorting childcare, but could you tell family you need treatment for an ovarian cyst and get them to have DD overnight?

Best wishes OP.

toystoyseverywhere · 10/09/2021 16:35

Possible trigger in post just in case as don't want to cause any upset

I know how difficult it can be due to finding childcare however I honestly wouldn't risk the tablet option at your stage.

They do also scan like other posters have said so they would find out. I do understand why you are tempted to but honestly not worth the risk

You honestly do not want a failed one to happen. The cut off is there for a reason and it is for owm safety. An incomplete one could then potentially cause a haemorrhage for example and it is horrendous experiencing one. That would then mean immediate medical treatment and it could happen during the night possibly which makes the practicals even harder

I had one due to treatment for a MMC and I was then admitted for numerous days due to issues and had to have some removed while awake due to it being bad.

Please don't risk that happening to you. Honestly please don't as I wouldn't want anyone to go through that. Also apologies if I've possibly upset anyone with saying that as I honestly did not mean to.

toystoyseverywhere · 10/09/2021 16:37

You could say that it is needed for another procedure as you don't need to dislose the reason why you need to go in.

Gynae covers wide areas and most wouldn't automatically think it was for that. I would say gynae issues and possibly mention that a small procedure would help.

VapeVamp12 · 10/09/2021 16:39

From experience they will date scan you on arrival anyway so unfortunately whatever dates you tell them won't really matter. They'll act based on the scan.

AintNobodyHereButUsChickens · 10/09/2021 17:01

Unfortunately yabu, I'm sorry. I've had 2 medical abortions, one at 9 weeks and one at 6-7 weeks. The one at 9 weeks was utterly horrendous, I was in so much pain that I almost passed out, apparently I was quite grey for ages. If you feel like I did there is no way you would be in any state to look after your DD.