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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Won’t tell me what happened

71 replies

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 12:33

Dd, recently turned 3, has just started pre school part time, she’s not been happy going and I’m just trying to stick with it, as hard as it is to leave her there.
She came out today and I asked what she did etc and she said she didn’t want to say, and that she was tired, she just kept saying she didn’t want to say. Bit by bit she said that she was blowing raspberries at a girl because she wanted to make her laugh. We have a bit of an issue with her constantly blowing raspberries at the moment and we’ve explained not everyone likes it. I asked if the teachers were cross and she just melt saying she didn’t want to talk about it. She’s a girl who tells me everything (never stops talking!) I’m aware she doesn’t like going there and everyone’s advised me to try and stick with it for 2-3 weeks, but I’m concerned she doesn’t want to say what happened 🤷🏻‍♀️

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FuckingFlumps · 10/09/2021 14:08

Should I WhatsApp the nursery?

Honestly I really don't think it's necessary to contact them about it. You've said yourself maybe she was told not to blow raspberries and that's probably what happened and shes feeling a little embarrassed that someone else told her to stop.

It was probably a tiny thing which she's blown up into something bigger in her mind. No need for nursery to tell you or any fuss.

FangsForTheMemory · 10/09/2021 14:11

She sounds as though she's tired and you're intimidating her a bit.

Mountainpika · 10/09/2021 14:15

@Cuddlemuffin

I have a wonderful vision of your father having a great time in reception. Crayons, paints, dressing up, singing nursery rhymes. Knees to his chin as he sits on the little chairs. In a too-small overall playing with sand and water.

barskits · 10/09/2021 14:23

At bathtime or bedtime this evening, talk to her all about your day, and then ask her to tell you all about her day. If she does, she does, and if she doesn't - well don't put any pressure on her at all.

I suspect she was told off for blowing raspberries and doesn't want you to find out she got in trouble.

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 14:25

@FangsForTheMemory I wouldn’t intimidate my own daughter 🙄

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Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 14:25

@barskits Yes, I’ll just be really casual about it

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girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 14:28

If she's been in trouble at home for blowing raspberries then she's doing it at nursery too and been told up she'll just be upset. Kids push boundaries and she doesn't want you to tell her off.

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 14:38

@girlmom21 She usually tells me everything though, she said she just wanted to make the girl laugh, but she didn’t like it. Feel sad for her really as she’s probably trying to make friends but going the wrong way about it! For context, we live abroad and she isn’t used to the language yet, so I do worry about her in the new environment plus with it mainly being in a different language all around her 😢she just hates going in, so for her to be secretive has me a bit worried

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onetwothreeadventure · 10/09/2021 14:41

My kids do this all the time. They claim they can't remember or can't tell me what happened at creche. They're usually just really tired and only interested in what's coming next.

If something has happened my 3 year old is always open to talking when we read books before he goes to sleep. Maybe try asking her about her day at some point like that when she's relaxed

elizabethdraper · 10/09/2021 14:48

[quote Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe]@Cam2020 Not sure, it was a definite didn’t want to tell me

Should I WhatsApp the nursery?[/quote]

  1. Dont whatsapp - ring
  2. Be prepared to be considered "that parent"
  3. My 7 year has done nothing in creche, pre-school, school and afterschool for the last 7 years and never wants to talk about it.

I rarely ask, occasionally something random will come out, mainly i ask other parents what is happening

Cuddlemuffin · 10/09/2021 14:51

Can I ask...does she need to be in preschool as you are working/studying? Are you going to be living in this country for a long time? Do you speak the language of country and are you able to communicate with staff at a level where you feel you are being understood? (Just trying to guage the bigger picture here as I wouldn't really ubde5 the anxiety you are having over a small issue like raspberries but now you mention she is at a preschool where she doesn't understand the language I can empathise a bit more with your situation) x

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 14:52

@elizabethdraper Yes, I’m wary of becoming *That parent, I was an Early years/primary teacher too (before taking time out to be with dd) so I can see both sides of this, but they don’t have a very open policy (maybe due to covid) so I don’t tend to know much of what’s going on 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 14:53

I spoke to parents most days when they popped in, I’ve barely seen the classroom

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Cuddlemuffin · 10/09/2021 14:53

@Mountainpika my dad is 6'5 so this image is actually hilarious 😂😂😂

FuckingFlumps · 10/09/2021 14:56

@Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe

I spoke to parents most days when they popped in, I’ve barely seen the classroom
As an early years teacher surely you understand it's pretty standard to not speak to all the parents every day, home time would take forever.

I'd only speak to a parent if there was a bump to explain or an issue we needed to discuss. Obviously if they needed to chat to me then that was fine but I don't think it requires a chat just because your daughter is refusing to tell you about her day. Otherwise you would be having the same conversation daily with every parent whose child didn't share what they had done.

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 14:59

@Cuddlemuffin Yes, I definitely don’t think I’d be anxious in the U.K. I can converse with the teacher half and half (I know some of the language, she knows some English) it’s not ideal, but ok. We plan to stay, I’ve been at home with her and don’t need to work quite yet, but 3 was the age I thought I’d try her at pre school for a couple of days per week, I’m happy to have her at home, but wondered if she should go for a little try? I’m really not sure what to do 😬
It’s possibly due to covid, but I don’t find it a very open place, with communication etc, I’d love to be able to pop in the classroom in the mornings (I wouldn’t be annoying and hang around 😅) but it seems parents are always told to wait in the entrance but outside the other shut door.
Today I was beeped in and asked to wait, whilst the receptionist went to tell the teacher/get Dd ready. I was there for ages 🤷🏻‍♀️I spoke to the teacher a little, but she didn’t mention anything about Dd-good or bad.
As we were in the car, I excitedly asked what she did today (ask each time and try to keep it enthusiastic as she doesn’t like going) it’s generally a brief conversation, I don’t find out much and just leave it there. Today she was different and straightaway said she didn’t want to say and didn’t want to tell me

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Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 15:01

@FuckingFlumps Parents nearly always popped into the classroom briefly at the end of the day, it was always open to them.

Dd has only just started and I assumed there would be a bit more feedback 🤷🏻‍♀️

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pecanmix · 10/09/2021 15:02

Honestly my dd has never told me what she's done during the day. If I say 'what did you do today?' She will say 'nothing/I don't know' and if I say 'who did you play with?' She will say 'everyone' 🤷‍♀️

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 15:02

I’d always give lots of feedback to the new children’s parents at the start, to let them know how they’re settling in.

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FuckingFlumps · 10/09/2021 15:03

As we were in the car, I excitedly asked what she did today

I'd definitely recommend following what previous posters have said about how you word the questions to her. What did you do today is way too broad for most 3 year olds so you'll probably have much more luck with her opening up asking specific questions.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 10/09/2021 15:09

@Whitefire

I have three DC, they apparently did nothing throughout nursery, reception and possibly year 1.
Grin
AlternativePerspective · 10/09/2021 15:10

OP, firstly most children go through this. I would try not to overthink it, and truth be told, there will be days when she doesn’t say or appear to remember anything, and then a few days later it will come out that “when me and ex were playing on the slide we ….” And it will be an event you had no idea about and which she won’t remember she didn’t tell you.

Secondly, I would keep her in the preschool if there is a language barrier. It’s hard to think of it now, but if you’re planning to stay there permanently or at the very least in the long term then it’s important that she learn the language as soon as possible, and being immersed in that language is the perfect time to do it, however hard that might sound.

Give it 6 months and she will likely be fluent, but she’s only going to achieve that by being exposed to the language in question.

FWIW I speak as someone who moved abroad aged nine and who was sent to boarding school where I didn’t speak their language and they didn’t speak mine. Within 6 months I was fluent, and within 12 months you would never have known I wasn’t a native speaker.

I took the language as a 1st not 2nd language in my exams, I lived breathed and thought in that language, and even though I’ve been back in the UK for 28 years now I can still speak it as if it were a 1st language, and friends I speak to over there say they would never have guessed I’d spent the past 28 years living back in the UK.

But that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been thrown in at the deep end.

adultingforever · 10/09/2021 15:12

One of my sons absolutely hated it when put in a situation where he did not know the language well, at right about this age, and I have known two families who have seen the same issue, up through about age 6 or 7. I wonder if your dd might be the same? Language immersion is a great way to learn, but is probably not comfortable when the school is not geared up for that.

Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 15:14

@AlternativePerspective You’re right, that was my sim, they pick it up very quickly and she likely will become fluent within the year, that’s what I wanted for her…now it’s actually happening, I really feel for her 🙈it must be so hard, but I have to try and stick with it.

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Fridayisntwhatitusedtobe · 10/09/2021 15:17

@FuckingFlumps She’s got great comprehension and vocabulary, I agree that normally this might be too open ended a question, but she’s been fine to chat like this for 6 months or so now. I follow it up with more specific questions ‘Did you paint?’ ‘Play?’ She’s general fine and answers fairly briefly and we move on. She specifically didn’t want to say today, apart from when she said about the girl and then didn’t want to talk about it, so I left it and she’s napping.
I feel for her though in a whole new environment and language.

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