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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who will have your kids if you die?

64 replies

Cuddlyrottweiler · 09/09/2021 22:01

DS is a few months old, I can't decide who I would trust with our baby if we both died. I know it's not something you want to think about but I feel like, if it happens I can't sort it out then, so I'd best sort it now.

OP posts:
evilharpy · 09/09/2021 22:32

One of my best friends, she and my daughter are very close and she's also quite close to my mum. She lives far from us in my home town where my daughter loves going, knows lots of people and where we are hoping to move back to soon and where I would like her to grow up.

My husband has two siblings, both of whom have children, but we are not close to them at all and they live in towns that my daughter is totally unfamiliar with. My daughter wouldn't recognise them if they passed her on the street. It's a shame really but it what it is.

My mum is in her 80s and couldn't cope with a small child (understandably), and the inlaws are 70 odd and also have very Daily Mail attitudes to the world.

TwoLeftElbows · 09/09/2021 22:33

It's changed over time. When they were babies, my parents. From about the age of six, one of my brothers and his wife. It's not just that my parents are getting older, it's more that my brother's grown up and had a family of his own.

megletthesecond · 09/09/2021 22:35

My sister.
I'm a lone parent and I don't muck around with my health for this reason.

TokenGinger · 09/09/2021 22:36

My mum. I've already told her this and I know she would take him, no questions asked.

After that, probably my best friend. Though I know both of my brothers would take him, too.

waterlego · 09/09/2021 22:40

My bro and his wife will inherit our kids if DH and I both cark it. We’ve put it in our wills. I think they would also want us to have their kids if they both died.

Having said that, our eldest is almost 16 and would probably not want to move to her Uncle’s as that would entail changing schools and making new friends. In that case, I imagine my ILs would take custody of them as they live very close to us. They’re in their mid 70s but in good health, both still drive etc.

My brother and my ILs know each other and are on friendly terms so I imagine they could sort it out amongst themselves and arrive at the best solution.

caringcarer · 09/09/2021 22:40

My children are grown up now but if DH and I died together I know my youngest sister would help my children out. They would inherit quite a lot of money and property and I know she would advise them. I would take her much younger dd too in a heart beat.

londonrach · 09/09/2021 22:42

My sister and I'd have hers..all been discussed and agreed.. I hope it never happens

AllBellyandBoobs · 09/09/2021 22:45

My DB and SIL, and I would have their child. It's all been agreed, but DH and I need to sort a will.

ShepherdessBoink · 09/09/2021 22:50

Oh dear. Never thought about it. Come to think of it, my bil probably. I couldnt let my own brother or sister in law do it, they are rather self absorbed. Both grandparents too old.. also no interest in my kids.

Should I tell my BIL or am I meant to put in a will or something?

Nancydrawn · 09/09/2021 22:52

You need to have a will, and it needs to state this clearly. It's not iron-clad, but it will help sort out problems.

The first thing is to make a list of people you trust. Then strike out anyone who's not ready, physically, emotionally, or financially, to take your child. Then narrow down to people who you think would raise the child with love, affection, and perhaps even with the values that you hold.

That's your person. Get life insurance to cover any unexpected costs, and make it clear in your will how that insurance will pay out to your person (in a trust, direct, etc.). If you can't afford that, you need to figure out how you can leave them anything that you might have.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 09/09/2021 22:54

DPs youngest brother and his fiance.

Heruka · 09/09/2021 22:55

We have just kept putting off dealing with this in wills because we can’t decide. There is no one who ticks all the boxes. DH sister has more financial stability and her kids are older, but is a bit colder. My sis more loving and similar values, but no kids, a bit selfish and flaky, no stable life plan really. My heart still says her but doesn’t seem sensible.

ScrumptiousBears · 09/09/2021 22:58

I've been thinking about this a lot. DP mother would expect them. It couldn't cope plus is shit with money. DP sister is barely interested in then now. My mother is too old. I ponder on my sister but we don't agree on parenting styles so I'm really not sure. I think it would be my cousin. She's you getting than me, childless and great with kids. I'd trust her to raise them and not spunk any money she'd get on shit.

notHarris · 09/09/2021 22:59

Me and his dad are not together so unlikely to die at the same time. So he'd be raised by the surviving parent. If we did both die then dad's partner has said he would like to take him full time.... they have a great relationship.
After that, we each have a sister who would take him and give him a nice life so quite a few options.
Not a very cheery thought though is it?

iamtheoneandonlyyy · 09/09/2021 23:00

Sadly their father.

TartanJumper · 09/09/2021 23:00

In care :(
My family for various reasons are not in a position to do it, although I know they would in a heartbeat if they could- but it would not be right for a child or for them.

ScrumptiousBears · 09/09/2021 23:00

As for my sisters DS I'm the only person she has. She'd turn in her grave though as I'm strict.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 09/09/2021 23:01

Hmm, I need to change my will on this one I think. DH died in his 30s so it’s just me. The plan was for DC to go to my brother in law and sister in law but they live 5 hours’ drive away and I now think it would be better for them to stay local. Need to discuss with my best mate. I have life insurance earmarked to look after them, because of what we’ve already been through. DH dying young seemed so unlikely and yet it happened.

OrlandointheWilderness · 09/09/2021 23:03

My parents with brother as guardian are named on my will.

Realyorkshiretea · 09/09/2021 23:03

Well hopefully my husband 😉

But if both of us go, my sister. She’s my daughter’s godmother and is a very maternal type. I also get on very well with her fiancé who is thoroughly decent (at the risk of sounding like something from a regency costume drama!)

babybythesea · 09/09/2021 23:07

My sister. And I would have my nieces if anything happened to my sister. We are close and spend a lot of time together. I couldn’t imagine anyone else taking my sisters kids if something happened to her - the love I feel for them is nearly as intense as the love I feel for my own kids.
And my kids adore my sister - DD will often ask to phone my sister just to say “I love you.”

BettyAndFrank · 09/09/2021 23:08

My dcs have Asd so will have to go into care as no one to have them 😢

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2021 23:09

You need to make living wills. Not everyone dies straight away and SS will look to family first. The children will need placing there and then. You could be in a coma etc. Once a child is placed with family, they rarely get removed to live with friends of the deceased, unless the family fail the assessment. For those quoting friends with similar aged children, unless they have spare bedrooms, again, it might not be allowed. The parents, as well meaning as they are, will be dealing with grieving children, who could then have issues that take appointments, have them sobbing through the night etc. Their own children could suffer. It's always best to have three prefferences, if possible.

Lockdownbear · 09/09/2021 23:11

@TartanJumper

In care :( My family for various reasons are not in a position to do it, although I know they would in a heartbeat if they could- but it would not be right for a child or for them.
One thing to remember is even if family aren't able to provide full time care, they would still be able to maintain contact.
abw94 · 09/09/2021 23:18

Oh gosh why've I never thought about this??

First would be my mom, she has him 3 days a week so they're very close anyway.

Second in line would be my brother and SIL, if you'd have asked me that before he met my SIL I don't think he'd be in the list lol! My son absolutely adores my SIL and I think they would be more than happy to take him in.

Third I guess would be my best friend, her first born is the same age as my son and she loves him to pieces.