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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC Clubs parenting disagreement

45 replies

FusionChefGeoff · 09/09/2021 20:43

During lockdowns, we both agreed (or so I thought) to think carefully about what to reintroduce as kids had no time at home and I was stressed out getting them fed / to clubs and very little downtime.

DH wants DS(9) to do yet another cricket club midweek (he's already in one) as well as football midweek, football Sat and rugby Sunday.

However, they are both in after school care (ASC) that night so will have 45 minute turn around for dinner etc. Then he will get back late (past bedtime). No time for reading / games / talking / getting sorted for tomorrow.

But DH won't finish early (won't discuss flexible working request - just refuses) so if I want to avoid this for me and for DS, it's up to me to cut my hours again. DH just says "it's fine - they can have beans on toast" but it's not just that - it's the general busy-ness he doesn't see as being a problem.

I work for my own business that has been slammed by Covid but is massively on the up at the moment. I try to be flexible and obviously more childcare stuff falls to me as I have that option. However, it's often to the detriment of my stress levels or evenings / leisure time as I'm then working to catch up if I've finished early.

DH has normal 9-5 quite flexible as wfh but may be going back into office 3 days a week at some point.

For my own sanity, I decided that if DC had a club then I would officially finish work at 3pm so they didn't have to go to after school care, I could then do dinner etc and take them to club.

But I can really only do that once a week without causing myself an issue where I'd need to work weekends / evenings to catch up.

AIBU to say DH has to finish early that day if he insists on DS joining this club?

OP posts:
Wole · 09/09/2021 20:44

That's a lot of clubs. yanbu, DH should take him if he's that insistent.

Gizlotsmum · 09/09/2021 20:45

He wants him in the extra clubs he gets him there!

Jengnr · 09/09/2021 20:46

He wants it, he sorts it.

Wole · 09/09/2021 20:46

Is that 5 sporting clubs for one child?!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/09/2021 20:47

Does DS want to do all these Sports clubs?

ShoppingBasket · 09/09/2021 20:48

How does ds feel about all the clubs? My ds would need a lot more down time than that.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/09/2021 20:48

Wow. That’s a lot of clubs. And no he doesn’t get to insist that you leave work early, rush around and work into the evening for something he wants to happen. If he thinks it’s so important he can facilitate it.

Stath · 09/09/2021 20:48

Fuck no!
I’ve 5DC (two now adults) and we had an agreement to have no more than 2 clubs/groups/lessons during the week.
Your husband sure is playing fast and loose with YOUR time, isn’t he?

EL8888 · 09/09/2021 20:48

Hmm loving the way he wants it but doesn’t want to personally put any effort in. Your husband needs to finish work early and make it happen

Hungry675tf · 09/09/2021 20:48

Why does he get to insert himself as the family dictator?

It sounds like a horrific amount of activities.

What would happen if you said no?

OrangeTortoise · 09/09/2021 20:50

Your husband is being very unreasonable.

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2021 20:50

You have a real husband issue

First is that is too many clubs - he doesnt need that many and is no downtime
Secondly he is being a right arse about the division of labour you need a serious chat with him

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 09/09/2021 20:50

We’re in 1 club and that’s hard enough 😂

KidneyBeans · 09/09/2021 20:51

He doesn't get to sit back and dictate your work/home life and your child's activities whilst offering no support.

If he wants DS to do the activity (and DS is keen) then he facilitates it. If he won't then it's clearly not that important is it? Or is he too big and important to parent when he can simply dictate your time instead? In which case, tell him to fuck off

BareVanilla · 09/09/2021 20:52

45 mins to eat dinner. Get changed and go out? It’s doable but why would you? What about homework?

Everydayimhuffling · 09/09/2021 20:52

He wants it to happen, he has to make it happen. But also, your poor DS! That must be very stressful for him as well as you, having so little free time or time at home. I'd actually be inclined to say one football club only either way.

Original poster
FusionChefGeoff · 09/09/2021 20:52

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

Does DS want to do all these Sports clubs?
This is something that makes it really hard for me.. DS is mad passionate about all of these clubs. He loves loves loves cricket and doesn't just walk anywhere anymore - he moves forward whilst pretending to bowl Grin

But just like an owner sometimes has to force a working dog to stop before they overheat / become exhausted I feel a responsibility as a parent to limit it

He has so little time to just hang out. He's a wonderfully creative boy but if all these clubs start back the pens / kits / piano app he's so into at the moment will all get forgotten about as he's never here to do them.

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 09/09/2021 20:52

I would definitely say if DH wants him to go he needs to facilitate it.

Does ASC not give the DC tea? That has been a lifesaver for me in the past when not had time to go home before a club.

jamimmi · 09/09/2021 20:53

Say no. Has even asked your DS. Not sure how old he is but homework needs to be done somewhere and downtime is needed. Just been talking to my 14 dd . She isn't applying for a dance academy place this year as she's already our Saturday Sunday and Tuesday pm dancing and more is just too much she says . I have to say I agree.

MimiSunshine · 09/09/2021 20:53

Absolutely not unreasonable. Firstly I think that’s too many for a 9 year old and second of all, as others have said, he wants it he can facilitate it.

Of course your DH doesn’t see the problem with busy-ness as it doesn’t impact him anywhere near like it does for you. Stop allowing that.

TheyreTheSamePicture · 09/09/2021 20:54

I could not be arsed with that. He sounds selfish. He can take him if he wants him to go - does your DS even want to go to another cricket club?

DS does Beavers one weekday evening (5.30-6.30) and then both DD and DS swim on a Saturday morning. Both do ASC 5 days a week.

converseandjeans · 09/09/2021 20:55

That sounds too busy & it's not good for them to be out all the time. It's also not fair that you have to facilitate it all.

It sounds like he thinks his job is more important & that your business is some sort of hobby.

Does he earn lots more? It's not fair that he's deciding what you do with your afternoon/evening.

What about dropping rugby & having Sunday off?

Original poster
FusionChefGeoff · 09/09/2021 20:56

If I say I'm not doing it, then DH will begrudgingly finish at 5pm and feed them beans on toast. So that sort of solves my problem but it still leaves DS with no time at home.

He's not usually an arse I promise and he does pull his weight - but he just says yes to everything and we end up rushing around like headless chickens and I don't want that anymore.

OP posts:
ChocolateCauldron · 09/09/2021 20:56

You would be unreasonable to say yes!

Sport 5 times a week is too much for a 9yo, they need time to relax, read, do homework.....just "be"

That's before you even touch the ridiculous idea that it's your responsibility to facilitate it happening.

A hard no from me.

Quartz2208 · 09/09/2021 20:57

I think 2 midweek are enough, then one say at the weekend.

You do one and he does the other. And you do have I think to change that dynamic