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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leaving DD Alone

29 replies

Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 19:25

I'm after some impartial advice as I'm currently locking heads with my ex about our DD.

She's 11 and just started secondary school. Previously she went to a childminder before and after school and therefore I arranged my work around her. This included working a longer day on a Tuesday and Wednesday as she went to his from the childminder Tuesday night and I didn't collect her until after school Wednesday as he dropped her back in the morning. I worked less Mondays and Fridays so I could collect from school and my mum collected her from the childminder on a Thursday so I could work longer on this day too.

Now's she's at secondary, there is no before and after school childcare and I'm trying to mix being at home more and leaving her for an hour or so to go to the office on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

My ex has said he can't drop her at school on Wednesday morning now and wants to drop her back to me at 7am. I will often have left for the office by then and she doesn't want to come home and I'm not here. She's ok with me leaving earlier than her but she likes me to be around to check she's got everything etc.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he should he should change his work (or at least try) as our agreement was I didn't collect her until after school on a Wednesday?

I'm doing my best to hold down a demanding job with very little help from her dad and find it so stressful when he just drops things like this on me. It's bad enough when he tells me he cant have her at a moments notice but luckily this isn't too often.

I realise I get much more support than some but some days I swear this is more stressful!

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading!

OP posts:
Whitefire · 09/09/2021 19:35

No he can't just change his part of the 'deal'. He needs to arrange things as he is responsible on that morning, this is not one for you to sort.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 09/09/2021 19:41

Have you checked about clubs? Ds's secondary school has sport clubs before school starts.. If you only enquired about child care maybe they didn't mention actual clubs..

Ponoka7 · 09/09/2021 19:45

He shouldn't change like that. However she should start using lists and notes to not forget anything. That way and another year and this wouldn't be an issue.

RandomMess · 09/09/2021 19:46

If he doesn't arrange to drop her to school then he can't have her overnight anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️ perhaps that will focus his mind.

His childcare option is not dropping her to you early on his time with her.

Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 19:48

Thanks all. I have said it won't be like this forever as she will need to become more responsible but I think it's too much all in one go plus she said she's not comfortable with it. She's not even completed a week yet. I don't understand why he can't sort something until half term then we can reaarange

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 19:49

@RandomMess

If he doesn't arrange to drop her to school then he can't have her overnight anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️ perhaps that will focus his mind.

His childcare option is not dropping her to you early on his time with her.

That what he's now saying but that doesn't help me either as what do I do about working late Tuesday night!
OP posts:
Notyouraveragecupofcoffee · 09/09/2021 19:53

Just tell him "no" and to work out the logistics of what to do himself. It's not on you to deal with the mental load, he's your ex for a reason.

She's his responsibility on a Wednesday morning, so he has to find a way to make it work.

Sounds an awful lot like he just can't be arsed with having her on a Tuesday night overnight and is thinking he can possibly get away with no longer doing it if he makes a big hoo-hah about it all.

Strangevipers · 09/09/2021 20:00

What is his working pattern. Has it changed ?

RandomMess · 09/09/2021 20:04

Will him dropping a night affect his CMS payments?

Could she still go to the CM if she's not ready to be home alone?

Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 20:12

He works an office job, the same as me so can be flexible if he chooses. He's decided he wants to be in work earlier so he can leave earlier

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 20:12

Childminders don't take secondary school children, at least not where I live

OP posts:
Strangevipers · 09/09/2021 20:13

@Fairycake2

He works an office job, the same as me so can be flexible if he chooses. He's decided he wants to be in work earlier so he can leave earlier
Oh I see.

If he is leaving work earlier then can't he have DD after school more often instead ?

Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 20:14

@RandomMess

Will him dropping a night affect his CMS payments?

Could she still go to the CM if she's not ready to be home alone?

Sorry posted too soon!

My childminder is no longer working and I can't find another who will take a secondary school child. Thanks for the suggestion though 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 20:16

He certainly hasn't volunteered that and every indication from the past 10 years tells me he will say no. I regularly have to fight him to take any kind of responsibility for her and even to actually have her at times. If he didn't have to pay more maintenance as a result I have no doubt that he'd cut contact to 2 days a fortnight

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/09/2021 20:18

Well if he stops having her the mid week overnight as he won't have her in the morning then he'll be paying more in maintenance won't he.

Geez what a waste he is being 🙄

Snoozer11 · 09/09/2021 20:18

I would encourage your daughter to start to have the confidence that she can sort everything out for herself to be honest, I think that will make many things much easier for you both.

Can you or her father be in the office but phone her before she leaves to make sure she's ok and has everything? I'd also make a list and get into the habit of laying out everything the night before.

I agree he can't renege on his agreement and it sounds like selfishness on his part, but the reality is that your daughter is older now, at secondary and will slowly starting to become more independent. I wouldn't deal with a 9yo in the same way as I would an 11yo, and I think changes in what was previously agreed upon will naturally change and slowly adapt as your daughter gets older.

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 09/09/2021 20:21

Am I missing something? How is she getting to school if he drops her to you after you've left ?

Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 20:34

@Snoozer11

I would encourage your daughter to start to have the confidence that she can sort everything out for herself to be honest, I think that will make many things much easier for you both.

Can you or her father be in the office but phone her before she leaves to make sure she's ok and has everything? I'd also make a list and get into the habit of laying out everything the night before.

I agree he can't renege on his agreement and it sounds like selfishness on his part, but the reality is that your daughter is older now, at secondary and will slowly starting to become more independent. I wouldn't deal with a 9yo in the same way as I would an 11yo, and I think changes in what was previously agreed upon will naturally change and slowly adapt as your daughter gets older.

I do agree with you and am more than happy that things will change over time and she needs to become more responsible for herself. However, she's not even completed a week at school yet and he's expecting her to be fully responsible for everything already plus she's said she's not comfortable yet which is reason enough for me. I'd prefer to give her until half term at least as only 7 weeks ago she was still at primary and being treated very differently. I can phone her from the office but am over 20 miles away if anything is wrong meaning I can't just pop back.
OP posts:
Original poster
Fairycake2 · 09/09/2021 20:35

@DaphneDeloresMoorhead

Am I missing something? How is she getting to school if he drops her to you after you've left ?
She can walk to school from mine. This isn't the thing she doesn't feel comfortable with. It's the coming into an empty house and getting ready on her own. She's an only child so perhaps not as confident as some children
OP posts:
SE13Mummy · 09/09/2021 20:36

Is there a cafe local to her school that he could drop her at for breakfast? She could sit with a book/homework and set off for school from there.

My DCs had to do this from Y5 because of childcare issues and it worked well, especially because the cafe staff got to know them so there was always a friendly face. Years later, they still ask after DC1 (who has just finished Y11).

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2021 20:38

What a shit he is.

Tell him he absolutely cannot change his hours until October at the earliest, as this will involve you both having to renegotiate office working hours and the overnight schedule. Be crystal clear it is not possible.

What an arse. Your poor DD.

saraclara · 09/09/2021 20:50

He's decided he wants to be in work earlier so he can leave earlier

That's all? I thought it must be that he'd been asked to change his hours. No, he can't just change the arrangement to suit his preferences. What comes first, him getting to leave early, or his anxious daughter?

DaphneDeloresMoorhead · 09/09/2021 20:59

It'd be a resounding no from me

monkeysox · 09/09/2021 21:01

Have you asked her former childminder or one of her friends mums/dad's if she can go there before or after school?

Whitefire · 09/09/2021 21:12

@monkeysox

Have you asked her former childminder or one of her friends mums/dad's if she can go there before or after school?
Why should the OP do that? It is not her child care issue to sort.

As for a friend's house, I live near the school, it is not unusual to see one of dd's friends in the morning, but it's not at 7am, and presumably he is not intending to sort her out and breakfast her beforehand. It is a massive ask of a friend's parents for a regular occurrence (rather than a one off 'need to be at the hospital in the next city for 9am' type scenario. )

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