For wanting to leave a WhatsApp group?

[WhatsAppDilemma]

I’m prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable and petty but I really hope I’m not!

I am in a group of 4 friends. We’ve been friends for 15 years and used to be very close.

I was meant to get married last year but we postponed due to covid, and ended up having a micro wedding. One of the friends let me down quite a bit over both my weddings, and ended up pulling out 2 days before the micro wedding using covid as an excuse (despite regularly posting on her Instagram stories about other weekends away, visits to pubs, etc etc). She never made any attempt to make it right and that really hurt me so our friendship has pretty much ended. Don’t want to drip feed but happy to provide more details if it helps.

The other two were really disappointed with her behaviour too, but have recently started to talk properly. They didn’t fall out with her over it...she just stopped talking to them for a while for a reason that they didn’t know either. But because they’re all getting close again, the WhatsApp group with the four of us is being used again. I don’t engage at all, because I don’t really want to engage with her.

How petty and immature would I be to just leave the WhatsApp group we’ve had running for around 10 years? AIBU in doing so? I could just mute it I guess but I can’t help but sense the other two friends are trying to get it back to normal, and I have no interest in doing so. I know it leaves them in a tricky situation but I guess they always would be. And leaving the group would essentially be a massive FU, which I’m conscious makes me look immature!

I think failing to cancel until the very last minute for a tiny wedding where it was obvious that there could be other people the Op could invite is really unpleasant.

MN was full of stressed out people struggling to arrange and rearrange weddings and juggling suppliers and invitations and family pressures.

Not sure why people are claiming it's 50/50.

But leaving the group won't do you any favours. Mute it.

Seems a lot of drama over not very much. A lot of people's mental health suffered over lockdown, so I don't think you can automatically assume she was being malicious when she said she'd come and then didn't. The very short notice was crap, but I wouldn't necessarily hold it against a good friend, as she may have been genuinely struggling.

I'd mute the WhatsApp group for now and be mindful of what you say with your other two friends as it's bound to get reported and then it could spiral into a game of "I said...she said...".

You lost me at ‘pre wedding party’. What even is that?

@Soontobe60 I’m not white. My culture has various parties and events around a wedding, one of the which is a party a few days before the wedding. I held one in my back garden. Hope that’s been educational for you.

@RealBecca

Tread carefully OP. If your froends are maintaing a friendship with her its unlikely they are "letting slip" their champion efforts to support you and they want you to think they are in your corner fully. You dont know what they are actually saying to her.

@RealBecca I am conscious of this. I’ve never expected the other two to stop being friends with her, and I’ve told them that. And one of them is always brutally honest with me when I’m in the wrong or doing something wrong, so I would expect her to tell me if I’ve messed anything up or she disagrees with me. But I am conscious they could be appeasing her too to make her feel better.

Sounds like you like the drama OP. I’m assuming now you’re married and this is all in the past and you don’t have anyone to go on about your wedding to so now you’re going on about your friend instead.

You sound like a bridezilla. You mention constantly texting to ask if she was still coming before the wedding. You centre yourself and your event above everything else and you’re still doing that now. I get that in your head it’s about sharing your special day with your closest but in her head it was probably a bloody nightmare what with covid restrictions, being on her own across country and your drama /strop/initial exclusion to prove a point. I bloody wouldn’t turn up either.

You sound a really peach.

I don't think you can automatically assume she was being malicious when she said she'd come and then didn't. The very short notice was crap, but I wouldn't necessarily hold it against a good friend, as she may have been genuinely struggling

Oh I don’t think she was malicious at all, just selfish. But it was her behaviour afterwards that hurt the most...she let me down, but then she’s the one who made no effort to make it right.

As friends, we would always send each other flowers on any special occasion or on any good news, on a bad day, etc, whether it be flowers sent as a group or individually. When she cancelled, I genuinely expected her to send me flowers on the morning of my wedding and couldn’t wait to text her to say thank you, it means a lot, and I hope she was here, as that’s how I felt. I know how pathetic that makes me sound, but my point is I was disappointed and angry that she messed up my guests for my wedding, but I thought I’d get over it with a bit of effort from her. So hearing absolutely nothing from her in the weeks after my wedding was what made me really angry and upset and her continued silence, even after I sent her a happy bday message made me question my friendship with her. I felt so bad I was pregnant and she didn’t know, as despite not telling anyone apart from work and a very select few, she would have been in that select few but there was no more contact.

Aww thank you @Stinkywizzleteets!

I would have thought a friend messaging you to ask if you’re coming, to make sure you’re still comfortable and to tell you hey, it’s honestly ok if you change your mind, just tell me so I can plan, is what a good friend does for someone who is allegedly scared of travelling during covid.

And she’s someone who has travelled half of Asia and South America alone...she is not scared of travelling to the other side of the country alone...even though two of her close friends were also travelling...

I also laugh at yet another suggestion I’m a bridezilla and because I can’t go on about my wedding, have found something else to go on about. I barely spoke about my wedding to anyone, both the big and small wedding. I never wanted to be that person whose life revolves around their wedding so I only talked about it when asked, and I take the same approach with my baby now. Even with my two bridesmaids I let them choose the dresses they were going to wear and do their hair and make up how they wanted. I was very very uninterested in wedding planning and found it a chore. But if it makes you feel good about yourself to accuse others of being self absorbed and bridezillas, then you go ahead, peach...

The non wedding attending friend sounds like she's not in happy place atm, what with TTC and apparently uncomfortable being away from husband.

I've had a friend behave with me in a similar way to the OPs friend. I took a step back from the friendship, but didn't cut her off completely. We are now on good, but distant, terms.

Seems like once the OP and her friend can let emotions cool down, things might get back on track. .

Re the WhatsApp though ... That's hard!

Can’t believe the hard time you’re getting on here OP. Sounds like you went above and beyond for her wedding, I mean £700 on a hen?! Yet she can’t even drag her arse to yours. And I get it, it’s more about the messing you about than anything else.

If I was a betting women I would say she’s one of those people who expects everyone else to go out of their way for her events, but is too selfish to do it for anyone else. There’s no way somebody with such sky high anxiety levels about covid would be pub hopping around and going to restaurants.

As for the WhatsApp group, just mute it. I would say leave but I reckon she would start slagging you off behind your back.