I already have another WhatsApp group with the other two and we’d been using that over the past year. They also have one with her (there’s various ones used for planning birthdays, holidays, etc) but I have no idea how often they use it.
I think @LolaButt has hit the nail on the head re my pettiness so that’s helpful! I know I need to have it out with her, but we sort of had it out last year, which I will get to, and she just gets extra extra defensive and you don’t get anywhere.
What happened was:
A few months before my original wedding, she told me she can’t come because it’s her mum’s birthday the following day. I was disappointed but didn’t fall out or persuade, just told her I really hope she can make it. The other two persuaded her to make it work by coming to both, there’s no reason why she couldn’t do both in one weekend considering they were on different days and only an hour to 1.5 hours apart from each other. When she said she can make it, I genuinely was over the moon and there was no bad blood.
We cancelled due to covid and after much oohing and ahhing were thinking of a small wedding on the other side of the country (where DH is from, his parents are elderly and we didn’t want them to travel) in a few months time. This was when weddings were limited to, I think, 20 people including suppliers. I told my friends that’s what we were thinking of doing and she messaged me the next day to tell me her and her husband won’t be able to come due to covid (even though he wouldn’t have been invited due to numbers).
Within days and over the next few weeks, her Instagram stories are filled with weekends away with other friends, and going to pubs and restaurants.
We decided to go ahead and I didn’t invite her. I didn’t update her either but to be fair she never once asked me about the wedding after she told me she can’t make it.
When she heard that we were getting married, she got really upset she wasn’t invited. I had a pre wedding party in my back garden which she was invited to. She then “had it out” with me that she wasn’t invited to the wedding. When I told her how much it hurt that she immediately bailed on me but happily went out and about with others, she got really defensive. In the end I told her if she can make it to the wedding, there is definitely a place for her, and I hope she can come to the pre wedding party. I also told her the numbers are limited to 20, including us and suppliers, so I need to know for sure. A few days later she came to the party but spent the entire time standing metres back at the edge of the garden (honestly, no judgment, she was allegedly worried about covid, despite regularly socialising with others) and then confirmed she could make the wedding.
Over the next few weeks I kept messaging her to see if she’s still ok to come. Each time, she said yes.
Two days before my wedding, she text to say she can’t make it because she’s worried about covid. I later found out from my other friends she had already decided this the week before but was hoping the government would cancel my wedding so she didn’t need to break the news. This meant she wasted a precious space at a wedding where we only had 13 guests, a place that could have been taken by extended family.
I got a short text on my wedding day to say congrats, and I never heard from her again, until 6 months later when she sent me a small gift. I should add that she got married the previous year and I spent over £1k on her - £700 on hen, £250 on gift and £100 plus on accommodation, dinners, etc. It honestly isn’t about the money but a £15 gift felt a bit like why bother.
I should add that what she didn’t know was that the reason we went ahead with the mini wedding was because I was pregnant. We announced it at the wedding and other than that, we kept the news quiet because DH and I were really worried it could go wrong. We barely told anyone I was pregnant so not telling her wasn’t a case of her being deliberately excluded. She only found out when I messaged to say thank you for the gift, which happened to arrive a few days before DS was born, so from her perspective, I was pregnant and didn’t tell her. I also know she’s having troubles getting pregnant.
Gosh, this sounds so immature but the whole thing really hurt me. Not the not coming to the wedding, but kicking up a fuss after saying she’s not coming, me pandering to her, her pulling out anyway and then get making no effort whatsoever to make it right.