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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwritten rules for birthday parties

38 replies

Scotwhahae1 · 09/09/2021 11:08

Only posting in AIBU for traffic, not really sure of the correct thread.

My DS and his best friend are having a joint birthday party , which, nice idea in theory, is raising a few questions in regards to etiquette.

Invites, pretty much all the children invited know both birthday boys , apart from 2/3 children are friendly with just 1 of the birthday boys. I dont want these later kids having to bring anything for my child, but how do I word this incase they feel they have to?.

Party bags , if im honest i would rather kids didn't bring any presents for DS , he has enough, but they will and with them having to bring a gift for each child, should we supply the kids with a separate party bag ? Or make sure its a really good one from both of them?

Cakes, definitely think separate birthday cakes is essential but i'm over thinking that they will compare each others cakes.

Overthinking silly things here, but I worry about offending anyone.

Does anyone have any ideas on what would be best in this situation?

OP posts:
Mamette · 09/09/2021 11:15

DS1 has had joint birthday parties before. We said no presents expected but people brought them anyway. One party bag per guest! That’s part of the point of a joint birthday party- share the load. One parent does party bags the other does food or whatever.

Try to keep it to one cake. We had one party with 3 cakes, it was ridiculous. Everyone got bored of singing “happy birthday” and the cakes were mainly left uneaten.

MaryGubbins · 09/09/2021 11:16

One party bag.

Don’t stipulate about no present for your son. If they’ve never met him they will either not bring a gift or bring a token gift like sweets. If they do know him a bit it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth spelling out you’re not that close.

One cake or two. Whatever the other family think.

My kids often do joint parties easier all round.

FromEnglandWithLove · 09/09/2021 11:16

Why would you have two cakes at the party? Better and easier just to have one surely.

Two party bags makes no sense either, just agree with other mum who buys what, e.g you get bags, sweets and pencils, she gets bubbles or toys.

One of the benefits of a joint party is that you combine efforts rather than double up on cake, bags etc.

Marmite27 · 09/09/2021 11:17

Two cakes, one party bag.

Children that know only one child, present for only that child. Children that know both will probably bring presents for both.

TwoLeftElbows · 09/09/2021 11:19

With the children who don't know your son, I would just send them an invitation from the other child.

Wilkolampshade · 09/09/2021 11:20

Yes to two cakes.
One party bag.

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:20

2 cakes
Make them small though. Maybe order them from the same place/make them the same size so one kid doesn't have a bigger one?

1 party bag

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/09/2021 11:20

Have cupcakes. Easier to serve. Then each birthday boy can have one with a candle to blow out.

One party bag. Agree a budget between you.

People will bring a present for both.

MajorNeville · 09/09/2021 11:22

Split party invite list into two, half get invites from one child, half from the other so only one gift. I think it's bad etiquette to expect 2 gifts for one party.

Ducksurprise · 09/09/2021 11:25

Two small cakes to blow out candles and one big one to share/put in party bags. Since covid the blowing of candles is really ice (I mean it was before just never really thought about it)

Swirlingasong · 09/09/2021 11:28

My DC have been to parties where they only knew one of the children and the invitation has always come from just the child they know. Sometimes we've been unaware it was a joint party until we got there. I always presumed this was intentional so that parents didn't feel they had to get two presents. If they know both children, we take two presents.

Talipesmum · 09/09/2021 11:29

Don’t say anything about gifts and let people do what they want.
One party bag per guest but as you’re joining forces you can make it a tiny bit nicer if you want. No expectation for this though in my experience.
Loads of parties now are doing cupcakes or donuts etc for the candle-blowing-out thing (COVID obv). So it makes it easier for there to be one cake to share out between the guests, which could be made by whoever is most keen on cake making. Or one each, if one or the other of you feels strongly about it. Or you could go with a big tray of smaller cakes instead. We have recently v successfully been buying large trays of Krispy Kreme donuts in various flavours and kids choose which they want (this always results in leftovers which is brilliant). But only if we’re doing a “proper” birthday cake on my child’s actual birthday. Can’t have them going without a proper cake at all!

Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2021 11:41

I'd say two cakes and one party bag is the norm.

I wouldn't bother trying to word anything about gift giving - there's no way to do it that doesn't sound like you are expected gifts and people will bring gifts anyway.

Wheelz46 · 09/09/2021 11:49

Two ways you can go with:

Word the invites A&B are having a joint birthday celebration. B would like to invite x to the party.
Or
Do the invite only from the child who has invited them.

Oriunda · 09/09/2021 11:49

Done plenty of joint parties.

Invitations come from both children where they both know them (eg classmates).

Invitation to the extra children invited by just one child, come from that child only (ie no mention of other child/joint party). Invited child just brings gift for the child that invited them.

Our circle just gives cash now; very few gifts. Usually one of us posts on the whatsapp group asking if cash preferred, and that sets the tone.

One party bag only.

Two cakes.

Sit birthday children opposite each other on table so all their friends able to sit around them/they’re both centre of attention.

Oriunda · 09/09/2021 11:55

I stopped giving cake in party bags a few years ago as got too messy. Son’s last party was an activity (a month pre Covid) where they all got a mug, to which I added sweets. We served cake at the table.

I usually team up with another mum and we divide tasks between us.

Cakes - I bake my own but ensure it’s a simple one that matches the other mum’s cake. I save more elaborate one for son’s actual birthday.

LaBellina · 09/09/2021 11:57

One party bag for each child.
Talk to the other mum and if she’s on board with it too, spread the word to the invitees that bringing a gift is not necessary.
Get one big cake or 2 of the same smaller cakes each decorated for the boys personally.

Peanutsandchilli · 09/09/2021 12:00

Two cakes but make sure they're similar sizes. One party bag. If I only knew one of the birthday children I'd bring them both a card and a smaller gift for the other child.

BananaPB · 09/09/2021 12:03

2 cakes for hygiene, photos and ease.

Personally I prepack party bags with a different cake to the one that is used with candles for ease.

1 party bag is fine

Goldbar · 09/09/2021 12:04

Three cakes sound ideal in the current climate.

One cake for your DS to blow all over and get his germs on. Your family can take that one home and eat it.

One cake for the other boy to do the same. Cake goes to their family.

A third, beautifully clean and un-germy cake to be served to the guests Grin.

Unless you're doing your bit to help achieve herd immunity before winter kicks in?

BananaPB · 09/09/2021 12:04

If you're worried about comparisons you can agree on a size beforehand with other mum.

WaterAndRichTea · 09/09/2021 12:07

Invites - Come to ‘our party’

Small cake each, from same place, the same cake, Dont give out to others , take home (Covid risk)

Have cup cakes you can give to the children

One set of party bags.
Organise between you and the other parent how this would work, The less busy parent to organise and the other gives half the money?

Dont write anything about presents

Goldbar · 09/09/2021 12:12

There have been a couple of threads recently about men unhappy with their partners' cooking.

Fwiw, the correct response if anyone cooks for you is "Thank you, I really appreciate it". If they're close family and ask you for feedback, I think it's acceptable to say "I prefer this" or "I didn't think it was one of your best". So you don't need to lie. It's also fine to say "Thanks, I'll grab my own" if offered something that doesn't appeal to you.

What is not acceptable is expressing open dissatisfaction or discontent with the food cooked or (for anyone over the age of 18) making out that your partner has failed in their duties by not feeding you properly.

It is a privilege to be cooked for.

Goldbar · 09/09/2021 12:12

Oops, wrong thread Blush.

Datsandcogs · 09/09/2021 12:23

1 cake. 2 cupcakes so that each of the birthday children can blow out candles on an individual serving (COVID). 1 party bag per guest. I never put cake in the party bag, messy and wasteful, so I cut and offered it at the end of party meal. Don’t worry about guests - they’re parents will decide on gifts.