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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother's ex

89 replies

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 10:13

What would you do?
Back story:
Brother has 2 children with his ex (let’s call her A). They are 17 and 18 years old. They had them very young and split up when the youngest was 3. She went on to have 4 more children with another man whom she married. That relationship also failed and last year she met and married another man 21 years her senior and has just had another baby with him. He is very wealthy. She is 37.
I’m not sure what to do. My brother has told me over the years what an incapable mother she is but I didn’t really know the extent of it. I thought he was always exaggerating.

Yesterday, I went to collect my nephew (the 18 year old) so he can to the school pick up with me (her daughter is in reception with my son). As the builders were in, the doors were open and I popped my head in the door and called his name. He was asleep on the sofa and jumped up. He had no idea what time it was (midday) and I told him he needs to collect his little sister from school. It was obvious he was stoned. The house was a complete mess. The 7 year old was feeding himself out of a tin of spaghetti hoops. There was food all over the floor. The bins were overflowing and there was rubbish everywhere. The sink was full to the brim of dirty crockery. There was even tuna in the sink?! The dining table was filthy. I mean what do you expect when there are kids roaming around a house on their own. He even asked me to make him a sandwich, which I did because I felt so bad for him. They all go to kids club after school every day until 6pm because she refuses to look after them after school. Her children eat sugar all day and she put money in her 18 year olds account to order Mcdonalds for the kids. The 4 year was drinking coke. I could go on and on about what I saw and I felt awful walking away.
Where is A? She is away with her new man living it up in a posh hotel Bristol for 2 nights. She goes away quite often to very expensive places and gets her 2 eldest to look after the 4 youngest. She has recently given up her council house and has moved into a large house. I feel like her kids are no longer important to her. My sister and I think this is totally unfair as she is putting so much pressure on them to look after her kids! They can’t even look after themselves properly. They are also doing so poorly at college because of this.
I’m concerned for all 6 kids. What should I do? Should I stay out of it or talk to her?

OP posts:

Original poster

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 11:45

@B1rthis

All adults are responsible for the children they're coming into regular contact with by raising concerns. I would Phone the mother, explain what you saw and ask where the father of the children is so that you can contact him as he may not be aware of the living situation his young children are in (the girl who is the age of your son etc). If mum refuses to share/he's not in the picture/extended family not involved I would say to her that she has 8 hours to get back to her home before you contact social services and/or the police. I would not leave your brothers children there, they might end up being blamed for their parents lack of parenting. I would ask them to pack a bag and stay at your parents. It's a disgusting way to treat your children; replacing them with ur new man/life.

Thank you for your advice. A's daughter will be in my son's class for the next 3 years which means I will have to face her for this time. I suppose I do not want any arguments at the school gates. If I threaten social services / police this is not going to go down well at all but at the same time, keeping quiet feels like I would be doing a disservice to those gorgeous kids. My head is spinning.

OP posts:

PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:46

I'm not sure why poster's are going on about OPs brother. Yes he should also be responsible, absolutely and he should have done more if he thought their mother was incapable 100%. But it doesn't mean that nothing should be done for the children now.

Focusing on the brother and what he should have / be doing is sort of irrelevant to the small child eating spaghetti hoops out of a tin and drinking coke.

PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:48

We do not know what state the house was in before the Mom and her dp went away. We only know the state of the house when an stoned 18 year old was in charge

This is true. So I would absolutely at least tell the mother when she got back so she could make sure she never left them with the 18 year old again.

Original poster

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 11:48

@BoredZelda

Why are you making the kids OP’s responsibility? Because she’s a woman?

Because she claimed to be very concerned about a child who is a member of her family.

I'm concerned for ALL of the kids!! Not just my niece and nephew!

OP posts:

SafeMove · 09/09/2021 11:49

So we have a 4 year old, a poorly 7 year old, a 9 & 10 year old being looked after, overnight, by an 18 year old substance using sibling? I would phone your nearest LA contact centre and state that you are concerned that the 18 year old is overwhelmed and unable to care for his siblings properly. Let social care do their assessment and deal with it. It will probably go to Early help as there is not significant physical harm but the entire family sounds like it needs input. That poor 4 year old little girl

PennyWus · 09/09/2021 11:52

Well you should tell the mum your nephew was stoned whilst looking after the kids, that is out of order. And I'd be on your brother's back to persuade him to sit his two kids down and have a serious chat about not messing up their education. Living in London may be more attractive to them in a few years, so then perhaps they will move there. But you arent likely to make any impact if you intervene with the boys or their mum.

As for the rest, stay out of it. A messy home, a poor diet, a lacklustre mum who palms her kids off on other people, isnt really the end of the world. Unless the babysitter is stoned, that is obviously not acceptable.

I know lots of kids who prefer to go to after school club as it is like having an organised play date every day with their friendship group. So don't judge that part.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it is not the best home these kids could grow up in, but I don't think you can do much about it.

Original poster

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 11:53

@cereallover

Well his kids are still at an age where its easy to make new friends...crikey your brother sounds useless as a parent. Sometimes as a parent you have to make the kids do things they don't want to do like move house or go to school....

He also says that the kids love their siblings very much hence why they stay with the mum. I'm feeling that they feel a sense of responsibility towards them because their mum is always asking them to help her look after them.

OP posts:

BobLemon · 09/09/2021 11:56

I counted 7 kids in the OP?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/09/2021 11:59

Please ring social services these kids are being left in a grim dirty home with 17/18 Yr olds who are stoned.

They have a legal duty to investigate

dworky · 09/09/2021 12:03

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

The parent who is present has to do it all, the absent parent simply has to try and gets praised for it. Maybe you should talk to your brother about his shitty parenting.

Why doesn't he now provide a loving, stable, clean home for his dc?

If the filth is how they live and not just a one off I would report that to social work.

The after school club isn't an issue, and its pretty much up to her what she feels her kids.

If he believes her to be such a terrible mother, why hasn't he stepped up? That's the least a decent parent would do.

FooFighter99 · 09/09/2021 12:03

Don't "threaten" to speak to social services - DO IT - those children need someone to advocate for them. End Of!

Original poster

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 12:05

@SafeMove

Exactly. The mother KNOWS that her eldest smokes a lot yet still decides to go away and leaves them to it!!

She came back from Bristol last night so I'm not sure what to do NOW. Do I let it go or say something if this ever happens again? Or do I just call the LA contact centre now?

OP posts:

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 09/09/2021 12:06

My brother has told me over the years what an incapable mother she is but I didn’t really know the extent of it.

I don't understand this - it's severe enough that your brother has been telling you and worried, but what has HE done to try and rectify it? Presumably you are asking if you should report it - so why hasn't he over all these years?

WhatsTheBFD · 09/09/2021 12:07

Speaking as someone who was that teenager, left to look after 4 younger siblings (and my Mums friends 2 kids at times), it’s very difficult to get said teenager to leave because they will be truly panicked about what happens to the other children if they leave. My Mum was a coke head and an alcoholic.

I never told anyone.

Until one weekend it all came out in a massive shit storm and my Dad got me out of there. The other 4 weren’t his and all he could do was get me out (I was 16). It was a relief to have my hand forced, tbh.

I’m going back 20 years now, but nothing happened. SS were informed. The clean and tidy middle class show home, food in the fridge, kids in school = no further action.

SmokeyDevil · 09/09/2021 12:10

Your brother should get his kids out of the house and leave his ex to deal with her other kids on her own.

But I'd let the school know too what she is doing. Those kids lead a grim life.

Famousinlove · 09/09/2021 12:10

I would anonymously report now and not give too much details so they won't know it came from you. Maybe make out that you were at the scholl and she was picked up by her brother who was clearly stoned?

Original poster

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 12:11

@BobLemon

I counted 7 kids in the OP?

Yes she has a 2 month old baby as well.

OP posts:

notthemum · 09/09/2021 12:14

@YourFinestPantaloons.
Ffs, yet another one who can't be bothered to read the thread properly.
Op said she was collecting HER NEPHEW from the house so that HE could collect HIS LITTLE SISTER from reception class. She did not say that he was collecting her child, she is doing that herself.
OP, Your brother should have dealt with the welfare of his sons a long time ago. He is a total waste of space and shpuld not be relying on your parents to parent his children.
Your brothers boys are almost adults, they need to start behaving like this.
As for the state of the house and the other children, normally I would say mind your own business. However you cannot unsee that that you have already seen, so in this instance I would urge you to call social services. The children need to be looked after properly, you would not be able to forgive yourself if anything happened to any of them because you said nothing.

Original poster

Shahira78 · 09/09/2021 12:20

I have decided to call social services anonymously.

Thank you for all of your advice. I really appreciate it very much x

OP posts:

HailAdrian · 09/09/2021 12:28

But it’s not all on her, there are 3 useless men equally responsible for some of these children and none of them seem to be around or doing anything.

What, the kids have 3 dads??

HailAdrian · 09/09/2021 12:30

@HailAdrian

But it’s not all on her, there are 3 useless men equally responsible for some of these children and none of them seem to be around or doing anything.

What, the kids have 3 dads??

I misread, there are indeed 3 dads.

B1rthis · 09/09/2021 12:48

Its so difficult. I agree that there is likely to be heated exchanges at the school gate after this.
There is an alternative, talk to the school. They may raise the safeguarding.

If I knew I would see the little girl and her siblings regularly for about 3 years. I couldn't do nothing.

What a horrible situation for you and of course, those neglected children.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 09/09/2021 12:56

You're doing the right thing OP. I'm also concerned about the building work going on during all this - are there safety risks? is the house safe? Most builders require an adult in the house if there are also small children there, I guess your nephew counts, just....
But also often with building work the front door might get left open, or unlocked, which is very dangerous when small children are around and could get out....terrible situation OP, I hope SS do something to protect these poor children. x

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2021 13:24

@Wole

She has recently given up her council house and has moved into a large house. sorry what has this bit got to do with it? I think I'm missing something.

She's given up a secure tenancy and could now be in a vulnerable position

Cocomarine · 09/09/2021 13:26

Right, so your brother is a shit dad.
Must be if your idea if you talk to her.
What else did you want to discuss?

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