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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to to go on this challenge

41 replies

UndecidedPoster · 08/09/2021 23:29

A few months, I told my partner I wanted to take part in a popular hiking challenge with a group of people I know.

Later I began doubting my ability to complete this and was preoccupied with some health stuff so didn’t book. I’ve since done some training and now feel confident. The plan was to initially stay over the night before as it’s a 6am start.

Meanwhile, I found a national event in his hobby that I knew he would enjoy and told him about it. They’ve recently fixed the date for their networking event and it’s on the day before mine. He booked as soon as the date was decided and is ready to go.
If I went on mine, he would need to make a return journey on the day. It’s 4 hours each way.
If I don’t go on my challenge, he can take it easy and book a hotel for the night as the event will finish around 9pm/10pm. He hardly gets the chance to go stuff like that. I’m usually the one who goes away for events like this. I would have to set off at about 4am in the morning.

If I don’t go on this date, I’m unlikely to go at another time this year as the people I know are all going on the same day. The last dates are in October.

I might be able to do this next year, all being well. Maybe I’ll find new people to go with.

He’s happy enough to drive there and back the same day but I feel guilty because I worry he’ll be too tired to drive safely.

We can’t both go on the same day as we don’t have childcare.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 08/09/2021 23:42

You aren't less important and you booked your event first. If he's happy to drive there and back I don't see the issue. Unless you've changed your mind about wanting to do your thing.

Original poster
UndecidedPoster · 08/09/2021 23:52

@Stompythedinosaur

You aren't less important and you booked your event first. If he's happy to drive there and back I don't see the issue. Unless you've changed your mind about wanting to do your thing.
I told him I wanted to book it but he ended up booking before me. “You aren’t less important”. Thank you. I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear that even though I’d say I knew that.
OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedPoster · 09/09/2021 08:26

Hopefully some coffee/energy drink will give him the needed energy for the return journey

OP posts:
takehomepay · 09/09/2021 08:29

@Stompythedinosaur

You aren't less important and you booked your event first. If he's happy to drive there and back I don't see the issue. Unless you've changed your mind about wanting to do your thing.
This.

Definitely go, OP!

Aprilx · 09/09/2021 08:33

I think previous posters misread, you didn’t book, he did. As he booked first then you shouldn’t book yours this time but next time something comes up he should be available so that you can go.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2021 08:36

I probably shouldn't have used the term "booked". What I meant was that you expressed an intention to do your thing first, so he knew about the plan prior to booking his thing.

Grenlei · 09/09/2021 08:50

I wouldn't want my partner doing a 4 hour drive (is that the minimum time or does it include a break etc) at 9pm or later after having already done a similar length journey at the start of the day (and then done a day of networking) I think its simply too much.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 09/09/2021 08:57

Can he stay over the night before? Then it's only one 4 hour journey each day.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 08:58

@Aprilx

I think previous posters misread, you didn’t book, he did. As he booked first then you shouldn’t book yours this time but next time something comes up he should be available so that you can go.
But OP told she was going first, so she gets first dibs.
Iggly · 09/09/2021 08:59

Why did you tell him when it clearly would have clashed?

merrymelody · 09/09/2021 09:01

I would not let him risk his life by driving at night when exhausted.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 09:07

@merrymelody

I would not let him risk his life by driving at night when exhausted.
It’s not that big a deal, DH and I do 4 hours each way all the time to see in laws. DH drives both ways.
Stompythedinosaur · 09/09/2021 09:10

He isn't a child, he can decide for himself whether the drive is feasible (and cancel his own event if it isn't).

The idea that a woman has to sacrafice her own wellbeing all the time for other's benefit, even when not asked to, is just a misogynistic narrative.

TwooThirty · 09/09/2021 09:36

If it were me and my DP I think we’d just talk together and see what she thought. If she genuinely was ok with doing the drive then that’s her choice. If she wasn’t 100% and I was the one who always did things and suddenly DP able to do a thing I wouldn’t do my thing.

TwooThirty · 09/09/2021 09:37

Or, public transport?

MenaiMna · 09/09/2021 09:51

Do you have separate cars? How far is his event from yours? If the distance between events is shorter than his drive home why don't you take the kids up to your event the day before and he joins you after his - one family room overnight and he takes the kids home in the morning while you do your thing and get home on your own after.

Wole · 09/09/2021 09:56

Did he discuss it with you before he booked his?

Wole · 09/09/2021 09:57

Or has he just assumed you'll do the childcare so he can go

CliffordMystery · 09/09/2021 10:13

He booked it in good faith, and after you encouraged him to. It it were me, I’d just accept that it wasn’t feasible for me to do my activity that weekend.

If you’d said all along you were going to do your thing and put it on the calendar, then it would be very different. But you said you didn’t think you were going to do it, so he has no reason not to book his thing.

I do think it’s unreasonable for him to have to drive 8 hours in a day to get back.

It’s nothing to do with the fact that you personally (or as a woman!) should have to sacrifice what you want to do for him - just that it’s the practicality of this situation.

Personally I would just suck it up.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 11:19

@CliffordMystery

He booked it in good faith, and after you encouraged him to. It it were me, I’d just accept that it wasn’t feasible for me to do my activity that weekend.

If you’d said all along you were going to do your thing and put it on the calendar, then it would be very different. But you said you didn’t think you were going to do it, so he has no reason not to book his thing.

I do think it’s unreasonable for him to have to drive 8 hours in a day to get back.

It’s nothing to do with the fact that you personally (or as a woman!) should have to sacrifice what you want to do for him - just that it’s the practicality of this situation.

Personally I would just suck it up.

How did he book in good faith when he knew OP was going to be away?

He can still go anyway, but needs to drive up on the day.

Abouttoblow · 09/09/2021 11:24

How did he book in good faith when he knew OP was going to be away?

He didn't know OP was going to be away. She decided not to book her event and suggested he book his.

I'm sorry OP but you're being unreasonable. If the roles were reversed and you had booked an event and your DH decided afterwards he wanted to do something on the same day, you would be receiving very different responses.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 11:31

@Abouttoblow

How did he book in good faith when he knew OP was going to be away?

He didn't know OP was going to be away. She decided not to book her event and suggested he book his.

I'm sorry OP but you're being unreasonable. If the roles were reversed and you had booked an event and your DH decided afterwards he wanted to do something on the same day, you would be receiving very different responses.

No, that’s not true. OP says ‘I told him I wanted to book it but he ended up booking before me.’

OP was first.

Etinox · 09/09/2021 11:37

Swerving the issue of who has first dibs, what childcare do you need? It sounds like it's for children old enough to be left alone all day so can they sleepover at a friends or have a relative stay- or even have their first night alone?

Etinox · 09/09/2021 11:41

Ignore my post above, I completely misread and see it's on consecutive days.

Just seen this, "He’s happy enough to drive there and back the same day but I feel guilty because I worry he’ll be too tired to drive safely."

Let him be the judge. He can power nap before he sets off or en route, or drive on apples and coffee.

Aprilx · 09/09/2021 11:42

But OP told she was going first, she gets first dibbs

No she doesn’t! Confused. She said she wasn’t going and then told him about the event he might like to attend.

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