Aibu to to go on this challenge

[UndecidedPoster]

A few months, I told my partner I wanted to take part in a popular hiking challenge with a group of people I know.

Later I began doubting my ability to complete this and was preoccupied with some health stuff so didn’t book. I’ve since done some training and now feel confident. The plan was to initially stay over the night before as it’s a 6am start.

Meanwhile, I found a national event in his hobby that I knew he would enjoy and told him about it. They’ve recently fixed the date for their networking event and it’s on the day before mine. He booked as soon as the date was decided and is ready to go.
If I went on mine, he would need to make a return journey on the day. It’s 4 hours each way.
If I don’t go on my challenge, he can take it easy and book a hotel for the night as the event will finish around 9pm/10pm. He hardly gets the chance to go stuff like that. I’m usually the one who goes away for events like this. I would have to set off at about 4am in the morning.

If I don’t go on this date, I’m unlikely to go at another time this year as the people I know are all going on the same day. The last dates are in October.

I might be able to do this next year, all being well. Maybe I’ll find new people to go with.

He’s happy enough to drive there and back the same day but I feel guilty because I worry he’ll be too tired to drive safely.

We can’t both go on the same day as we don’t have childcare.

@Aprilx

But OP told she was going first, she gets first dibbs

No she doesn’t! . She said she wasn’t going and then told him about the event he might like to attend.

RTFT

I think if he says he’s happy to do it and is a safe driver with good judgement I’d be happy for him to do it.

In similar circumstances I’d be happy to drive but wouldn’t be happy for my dp to. That isn’t because I’d be a martyr, but he can’t stay awake if tired so I don’t think he would be safe at the wheel whereas I only sleep in a comfy bed.

@Aprilx

I think previous posters misread, you didn’t book, he did. As he booked first then you shouldn’t book yours this time but next time something comes up he should be available so that you can go.

Yep, I'm inclined to say you snooze, you loose.

He hardly gets the chance to go stuff like that. I’m usually the one who goes away for events like this.

If I don’t go on this date, I’m unlikely to go at another time this year as the people I know are all going on the same day. The last dates are in October.

You aren't less important, but you're also not more important. Are you saying that you get more child-free trips away than he does? In which case, he might get priority this time, especially given you told him about his event, and you gave the impression you weren't going to do yours anymore.

I know you said you didn't have childcare, but you didn't make clear if you simply couldn't (e.g. DC with complex needs) or if it was just really expensive and/or hard to arrange.

If one-off (potentially expensive) childcare isn't possible, I think I'd be inclined to prioritise your OH if he doesn't get as many chances to do things like this that you do.

@Grenlei

I wouldn't want my partner doing a 4 hour drive (is that the minimum time or does it include a break etc) at 9pm or later after having already done a similar length journey at the start of the day (and then done a day of networking) I think its simply too much.

This is what is holding me back

I’ve suggested this to him @Grenlei but he says he’d rather not go the night before.
I’ll speak to him again later today and ask him to reconsider. He could just wake up later, somewhere nearby for the 9am ( or 10am) start

@Iggly

Why did you tell him when it clearly would have clashed?

They had not fixed a date yet so we’d no idea when it was going to be. They fixed the date about 3 weeks ago.

@TwooThirty

If it were me and my DP I think we’d just talk together and see what she thought. If she genuinely was ok with doing the drive then that’s her choice. If she wasn’t 100% and I was the one who always did things and suddenly DP able to do a thing I wouldn’t do my thing.

He says he’s 100% up for driving back the same day but I know he would say that to me.

I’ve asked if he would stay at a hotel if I didn’t go and he said he would stay away in that case.

@MenaiMna

Do you have separate cars? How far is his event from yours? If the distance between events is shorter than his drive home why don't you take the kids up to your event the day before and he joins you after his - one family room overnight and he takes the kids home in the morning while you do your thing and get home on your own after.

When I read your reply, my initial reaction was that this is a good idea. We do have separate cars.

However, if he drives to me at a hotel near the event, it would take him an extra hour and then he’d have to make the drive back home too.

@Wole

Did he discuss it with you before he booked his?

Unfortunately, he didn’t.

He just told me he’d booked and I said, “ but that’s the same weekend as my event”.
His reply was, “is it? Sorry I forgot”.

I know he was really excited to attend this but I was a bit . He usually would tell me beforehand

@Abouttoblow

How did he book in good faith when he knew OP was going to be away?

He didn't know OP was going to be away. She decided not to book her event and suggested he book his.

I'm sorry OP but you're being unreasonable. If the roles were reversed and you had booked an event and your DH decided afterwards he wanted to do something on the same day, you would be receiving very different responses.

I hadn’t decided I wasn’t going. I was being annoying looking back, tbh I would just say every so often how I couldn’t believe I was going to do the challenge, what if I couldn’t finish, blah blah His reply would be to encourage me to go as it would be fine. So I was undecided but I do take your point about me being unreasonable

He just told me he’d booked and I said, “ but that’s the same weekend as my event”.
His reply was, “is it? Sorry I forgot”. that would make me so mad. He's just assumed you'll look after the kids.a

** He didn't know OP was going to be away. She decided not to book her event and suggested he book his.

I'm sorry OP but you're being unreasonable. If the roles were reversed and you had booked an event and your DH decided afterwards he wanted to do something on the same day, you would be receiving very different responses.**

^ I agree. And I wouldn’t want my partner driving 8hrs in a day

Yes I get more child free time away. He hardly ever goes away.

However, on a day to day basis, he gets way more child free time than I do.

@Wole

He just told me he’d booked and I said, “ but that’s the same weekend as my event”. His reply was, “is it? Sorry I forgot”. that would make me so mad. He's just assumed you'll look after the kids.a

I was quite cross about that tbh. I’d never dream of booking a trip so far away without speaking to him first.

I’ve decided not to go for mine. He can to his and stay overnight. I was swayed by the fact that he barely ever gets the chance to go away overnight.

I’m looking to see if others might like to tackle the challenge at another time. Hopefully, I’ll find someone, stay over a couple of nights and have a great time. I’ve not found anyone yet but keeping my fingers crossed

Thanks to everyone who replied.