To take a step back from 'parenting'

[snackajacks100]

Been with DP for 5 years, due to get married early next year, two stepdaughters age 8 and 9 who I have a great relationship with.

We have the girls alternate 3 nights then 4 nights a week so complete split custody. Not bashing their mum at all but we are the main carers in terms of providing, e.g all clothes, shoes, school uniforms, holidays, pretty much everything. When I say we I don't mean just my partner as I'm often the one who picks everything up and organises it. We also sort out appointments such as dentist, opticians, hair cuts. Previously they have needed to go to the doctors but just get over the counter meds until back with us and I take them to get antibiotics.

Yesterday, 8 year old has rang me upset that she think she has an ear infection but mum won't take me to the doctors, my DP spoke to her and she said there is no appointments. I was texting DSD as I do everyday and asked if she'd like me to take her to the walk in centre, again this isn't unheard of as and I wasn't trying to interfere, I was just trying to help.

Her mum has got sour, said I'm trying to be their mum too much and I have my own DD to look after (my DD is 3). DP has then had a go at me and said I need to respect that I'm not their mum and stay out of it,

I'm literally so upset And hurt and feel really unappreciated for all that I do. He said I'm being dramatic, I spoke to my mum and best friend and they said they completely understand how I feel as I think of these girls as my own!

Sorry for the ramble, just wanted to make sure there's enough to understand everything!

AIBU?

The mums pissed because she can't be bothered to take her walk in centre clearly. 😂 Just stay out of it in future, best way. X

ah poor little girl though. Why aren't her parents doing their fucking job. Good for you OP. Shame for those girls if you take a step back but absolutely get why you feel so hurt about this

Please for your own sake disengage.

Have a look at the step parents board - don’t be your DP’s bang maid.

Maybe you just have a lower threshold for when drs visits may be needed? Given most ear infections are viral then a watch and wait with pain relief for a few days is generally the advice anyway.

I do wonder if part of the problem here is you texting an 8 year old so much that’s bound to confuse boundaries surely?

Tbf I think you overstepped by making the offer directly to the 8yo and not speaking to her mum first.

I’d be furious with DP in these circumstances and take him at his word insofar as taking any load off him is concerned.
Continue to be the lovely step mum you are to his daughters but fuck doing any pick-ups, drop-offs, organising anything, bedding changes or chores relating to their visits. Just do the Disney step-mum bit and enjoy their company and let him “parent” his children as requested.

Their mum sounds awful, poor things.

I do think you've overstepped here op though you clearly had good intentions.

The mother sounds inadequate but you should be letting DP step in and offer to take her to the walk in centre. I have a feeling you did this because you know DP wouldn't, meaning both he and the mother are shit and you're trying to make up for it.

It’ll be painful for you and the girls but step back and let dad take the lead with all parenting tasks and he’ll soon be regretting not having your back!

@CallMeNutribullet

I do think you've overstepped here op though you clearly had good intentions.

The mother sounds inadequate but you should be letting DP step in and offer to take her to the walk in centre. I have a feeling you did this because you know DP wouldn't, meaning both he and the mother are shit and you're trying to make up for it.

It would be so hard not to do what she did in a situation where you have a child you love crying down the phone about being in pain though. Sometimes people should over step the mark i think. Definitely if a child is in pain

@Bonheurdupasse ‘disengage’?! With children she loves and cares for?! My god if my children had a step parent they lived with for half the week I’d want them to be more than engaged!!

I would be furious with your DP! Happy for you to be very involved, then blames you for being too involved. He should have stood up for you to his ex.

Please for you own sake do not post on AIBU about step parenting. You will likely be torn to shreds.

For what it's worth I have always dealt with the health appointments of all the kids step or otherwise. Is it right or wrong who knows or cares. If a child is in pain or needs a doctor who gives a fuck about boundaries.

If I were you I would forget being upset and get angry instead. Point out that they are being fucking useless selfish wet wipes and continue as normal.

I dont think you were being unreasonable as you usually so this stuff. You sound lovely.

But I would take a step back now. Just to save you from having this confusion/bother again.

Next time the girls text or call you with a request, tell them to just ask their mum or dad first. Then you are doing no wrong.

Usually DO this stuff*

I’m afraid this is the role of a step mum / dads girlfriend.

Do all the grunt work and mental load of parenting every day but have no rights and don’t get included in any of the nice bits.

Be prepared for your contribution to be disregarded and minimised by everyone involved, including the child and your own partner.

It’s a mugs game.

If you are going to stay with your partner, step RIGHT back and be Disney Dads Gf and let him do all the work.

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself

I’d be furious with DP in these circumstances and take him at his word insofar as taking any load off him is concerned. Continue to be the lovely step mum you are to his daughters but fuck doing any pick-ups, drop-offs, organising anything, bedding changes or chores relating to their visits. Just do the Disney step-mum bit and enjoy their company and let him “parent” his children as requested.

Their mum sounds awful, poor things.

Except then the child suffers. OP is doing the actual parenting - the provision of proper care and attention for the children. If she stops and they can't be arsed, the only one suffering is the child.

I'd stand my ground on this if I were OP and say as a step mother, if you see that a child needs medical attention that hasn't been dealt with by her mother or father, you will provide it along with any other essential acts of care.

They're behaving badly,. so shame them.

As a fellow stepmum so not bashing, it does sound like you overstepped and have done for a while. There is no need for you to take her to any walk in centre thats her parents job, to text an 8 year old everyday. You also say you're the one who takes them to get antibiotics and pick up and organise all their clothes etc this is far too much. They have 2 parents who should be parenting them and ensuring they have everything they need, seems like you've been playing mum when you shouldn't have been.

Be engaged with and love your stepchildren. But let your partner do the grunt work....you've only overstepped because he's had it so easy letting you do all the work

It’s a thankless task step parenting, nobody will ever be grateful for it, I would be stepping back and leaving all the parenting to them both, no pick ups ,drop offs, daily parenting things, just transfer all the mental load back to your DP and his ex. Do all the nice bits. Not your circus OP.

I think the point is that DSD is 8 and has said she wants to see a doctor about her ear. It is reasonable in this case for any responsible adult (let alone a caring step parent) to take her to a doctor if her parent is not doing so.

OP you are basically saying ‘DSD has said she wants to go to a walk- in. I am happy to take her if no one else can’. This is totally reasonable and nice

You said you think of the girls as your own. Both their actual Mum and your DP have pointed out that you have overstepped the mark.
I'm inclined to agree with them regarding this, BUT it sounds as though you do a lot for AND with your step-children, so the lines are blurred, anyway.
I'd take a giant step back, stop texting your step-daughter every day.
I'd also consider whether you do want a future with someone who's so quick to put your input down.

@Holly60

I think the point is that DSD is 8 and has said she wants to see a doctor about her ear. It is reasonable in this case for any responsible adult (let alone a caring step parent) to take her to a doctor if her parent is not doing so.

OP you are basically saying ‘DSD has said she wants to go to a walk- in. I am happy to take her if no one else can’. This is totally reasonable and nice

But the mother had decided medical treatment wasn’t needed.

Nhs guidance is that in most cases no treatment is needed.

We surely don’t let an 8 year old make these decisions do we? Overriding the parent they are with?

I think you mistake you made was in asking the 8 year old if she wanted you to take her. You should have asked her mum. I think it would be a shame to take too big a step back as it sounds like you have a lovely relationship with the girls. I just think you need to remember that while you think of the girls as your own their mum is unlikely to see it that way.

I’d be furious with DP in these circumstances and take him at his word insofar as taking any load off him is concerned.
Continue to be the lovely step mum you are to his daughters but fuck doing any pick-ups, drop-offs, organising anything, bedding changes or chores relating to their visits. Just do the Disney step-mum bit and enjoy their company and let him “parent” his children as requested.
I agree. He can’t have it all ways.

@snackajacks100 sometimes people are crazy. You were just trying to look out for the girl. Poor kid.
In the scrap to apportion blame to the OP the "parents" have forgotten about the child!