Page 2 | To take a step back from 'parenting'

snackajacks100 · 2021-09-08T11:26:53+00:00

Been with DP for 5 years, due to get married early next year, two stepdaughters age 8 and 9 who I have a great relationship with. We have the girls alternate 3 nights then 4 nights a week so complete split custody. Not bashing their mum at all but we are the main carers in terms of providing, e.g all clothes, shoes, school uniforms, holidays, pretty much everything. When I say we I don't mean just my partner as I'm often the one who picks everything up and organises it. We also sort out appointments such as dentist, opticians, hair cuts. Previously they have needed to go to the doctors but just get over the counter meds until back with us and I take them to get antibiotics. Yesterday, 8 year old has rang me upset that she think she has an ear infection but mum won't take me to the doctors, my DP spoke to her and she said there is no appointments. I was texting DSD as I do everyday and asked if she'd like me to take her to the walk in centre, again this isn't unheard of as and I wasn't trying to interfere, I was just trying to help. Her mum has got sour, said I'm trying to be their mum too much and I have my own DD to look after (my DD is 3). DP has then had a go at me and said I need to respect that I'm not their mum and stay out of it, I'm literally so upset And hurt and feel really unappreciated for all that I do. He said I'm being dramatic, I spoke to my mum and best friend and they said they completely understand how I feel as I think of these girls as my own! Sorry for the ramble, just wanted to make sure there's enough to understand everything! AIBU?

Dontbeme · 08/09/2021 13:56

DP has then had a go at me and said I need to respect that I'm not their mum and stay out of it

I would take him at his word and stay out of it, I would stay so far out of it I wouldn't bother with the wedding or the relationship. You were trying to be kind OP and help with the girls, and I'm going to guess that boundaries are blurred as he sits on his arse and has you do everything for his DC. He cannot have it all ways.

Rosiiiiie · 08/09/2021 14:03

I mean, what were you meant to do? If she’s the one who called you upset about the situation of course you were going to offer? You weren’t just gonna brush her off. Don’t think you overstepped.

Bibbetybobbity · 08/09/2021 14:07

You’ve overstepped with the texting. That’s the bit I would knock on the head because of course you’re going to get drawn into stuff like this, especially when the kids are with their mum. That’s blurred the boundaries too much in my view.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/09/2021 14:27

Oh wow!! Nobody in this situation knows how much of a gold mine they have on their hands with you! You are a fully committed step-mother to these girls wrt contributing to their clothing, holidays, school stuff and even taking them to appointments! Your DP should have realised his luck. All that said if I were their mum I would feel that you are interfering and have crossed the boundary enormously. So whether or not yabu depends on who you ask in this set up.

Boobieboobieboobie · 08/09/2021 14:31

Your ‘D’P wants his cake snd eat it as does the ex. Nice how the shove loads of the parenting stuff on to you then moan when their noses get put out if joint. The mother sounds neglectful, no appointments for a child with earache, I call BS.

Such a tricky one, in terms of what you doo.

Boobieboobieboobie · 08/09/2021 14:33

This. And yes I can see why people think its overstepping but its necessary as their actual parents are crap and op loves and cares for these girls.

TimeForTeaAndG · 08/09/2021 14:34

I would not have asked an 8yo what they wanted in terms of medical attention. For an ear infection I'd have suggested asking her mum for a heat pack and some pain relief. I think you've maybe let your judgment get clouded by the regular feeling of doing grunt work and just assuming that her mum wasn't bothering.

DP can't expect you to do all the running and picking up etc but then not be involved when he feels like it.

How is an 8 yo able to text you every day?

PicsInRed · 08/09/2021 14:36

I think of these girls as my own!

That is lovely (really), but the fact is that they have a competent and involved mother still living.

How would you feel if another woman had your children 50% of the time and was texting and actively "mothering" the children when they were with you? Overriding your own medical judgement directly to the children? I think you need to reexamine things a little here from a more detached viewpoint.

Put yourself in the mother's shoes.

Are you overstepping, do you think?

Original poster

snackajacks100 · 08/09/2021 15:08

I am still quite young and the girls often send me TikToks, memes, usually just silly stuff. On the days they are with their mum they ask to FaceTime their little sister (my DD) every morning before school and before she goes to bed, they both have iPhones (ridiculous I know) but with being split between households it was a good way to keep in touch with both their mum and dad and they are often arguing about something or other so more than likely blocked 🙈

I haven't ever had much to do with their mum, she never liked me much so there wasn't much need for contact especially with the kids having their own phones, I haven't got her number and I don't think she has mine

I agree if someone was like this with my daughter I'd be pissed off, but then again, nobody would have a reason to be like this with my daughter as I do everything that she needs (Sorry not sorry) 😂

OP posts:

TiredButDancing · 08/09/2021 15:12

mmm, you may have overstepped in this one instance, but it feels a bit churlish of your DH to be having a go at you considering all your input massively reduces the load on him.....

Cuddlyrottweiler · 08/09/2021 15:20

I think I'd have said "well no, I shouldn't be taking her to the doctors. Because her mother or father should be. But they're not are they? So someone has to." You can't just leave ear infections, they can burst your eardrum.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 08/09/2021 15:27

Definitely overstepped. Shouldn't be texting an 8 year old every day. You don't have to do everything for them and they aren't your kids. It's perfectly possible to be involved and supportive without overriding their mothers parenting decisions. You sound a bit controlling.

RosesandPumpkins · 08/09/2021 15:30

Why are you texting an 8 year old all day during her mums contract time? Step away and let mum parent. You might think she’s shit. You might not agree with everything she does. But step away.

QueenBee52 · 08/09/2021 15:39

Definitely DID NOT Overstep .. a child is in pain.. her Mum cannot get her an appointment .. her Step Mum can..

what the problem ?

Totally step back now OP, both Mum and Dad sound like a pair of piss takers.

You on the other hand sound lovely and caring..

user1471457751 · 08/09/2021 15:39

She doesn't need to go to the doctors. Guidance is not to prescribe antibiotics for ear infections as they only shorten the illness by a couple of days. Given how you are always the one to take the kids to the doctors, sounds like you may just be a bit trigger-happy and going to the doctors for any small niggle.

QueenBee52 · 08/09/2021 15:40

@user1471457751

She doesn't need to go to the doctors. Guidance is not to prescribe antibiotics for ear infections as they only shorten the illness by a couple of days. Given how you are always the one to take the kids to the doctors, sounds like you may just be a bit trigger-happy and going to the doctors for any small niggle.

we aren't you nice.......

Original poster

snackajacks100 · 08/09/2021 15:43

@user1471457751

She doesn't need to go to the doctors. Guidance is not to prescribe antibiotics for ear infections as they only shorten the illness by a couple of days. Given how you are always the one to take the kids to the doctors, sounds like you may just be a bit trigger-happy and going to the doctors for any small niggle.

Usually things like UTI's and tonsillitis need antibiotics instead of paracetamol

OP posts:

2catsandhappy · 08/09/2021 16:04

Your maternal instincts kicked in. You sound like a dream stepmum. I would be hurt too. You were not thinking of kudos for yourself.
On this occasion, as dsd was at her mums then it is 100% her mums decision to deal with as she saw fit.
Your well meant intentions have thrown up just how delicate the balance is between looking after and overstepping with step children.
Another time, bat the dsd query right away to dad.
Think of it like this. Would you welcome any unasked for parenting advice for your dd from your dp exw?

pbdr · 08/09/2021 16:04

With regards to the posters calling the mum terrible and negligent for not taking her child to the doctors with earache... I am a GP and, as long as the child is otherwise well, it is entirely appropriate to manage earache expectantly and symptomatically at home. Ear infections are often viral, and even when they are bacterial they will usually clear up within a few days without antibiotics. If the child is unwell or the earache is not improving within a few days then a GP appointment is appropriate at that stage.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/earache/

Redjumper1 · 08/09/2021 17:18

Overstepped.

If you have very little contact with their Mother how do you know she is such a terrible parent? I presume as access is 50/50 then there is no maintenance paid. Perhaps the Mother can't afford all the holidays etc. Doesn't make her less of a parent.

You don't say she telephoned in pain but that she said her Mother wasn't planning to bring her to Dr that day. There are plenty of other Mothers who would make this decision also for various reasons or wait it out a day etc. If you are so concerned about her parenting you can report her to Social Services. Over-riding her decisions is damaging to your step children.

Your DP needs to parent his children during the time they are with him. If he is not willing or unable to do that then he should speak with his ex wife and they can maybe spend more time with her/in childcare.

Lostmyway86 · 08/09/2021 17:54

You sound lovely OP. And exactly how I started my step-parenting journey....same age SDs as mine too. A few years down the line and two DDs added to the mix, I am well and truly disengaged for my own mental health. Nothing I did was appreciated by DH. SDs mum used to go between having a go at me for being too involved or not caring enough. And I just gave up being used and abused for trying to be kind to two children that weren't actually my responsibility. I still welcome them, make food and do their lunches for school. But for everything else leave it their mum and dad. I suggest you do the same.

Original poster

snackajacks100 · 08/09/2021 18:01

@Redjumper1

Overstepped.

If you have very little contact with their Mother how do you know she is such a terrible parent? I presume as access is 50/50 then there is no maintenance paid. Perhaps the Mother can't afford all the holidays etc. Doesn't make her less of a parent.

You don't say she telephoned in pain but that she said her Mother wasn't planning to bring her to Dr that day. There are plenty of other Mothers who would make this decision also for various reasons or wait it out a day etc. If you are so concerned about her parenting you can report her to Social Services. Over-riding her decisions is damaging to your step children.

Your DP needs to parent his children during the time they are with him. If he is not willing or unable to do that then he should speak with his ex wife and they can maybe spend more time with her/in childcare.

She gets £50 a week for both children, not much compared to others but more than enough for shared custody.

I know she doesn't do anything as she always tells my partner to sort it out. Like I said I'm not bashing her at all, she can parent them kids however she wants, it's my parenting I'm bothered about. She wants me to overstep when it comes to the nitty gritty but when she's in a bad mood it's too much?

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 08/09/2021 18:16

she always tells my partner to sort it out.

She wants me to overstep when it comes to the nitty gritty

Yes, exactly as you've written above. She wants your partner to parent his children, not you to do so. £50 is a pittance for 2, so she likely needs him to buy a lot of the extras as she won't have any change from that.

There but for the Grace of God, etc.

JustLyra · 08/09/2021 18:22

You did overstep - if you disagreed with her mother then you should have spoken to your partner.

That said I would be taking him at his word - put all of the mental load and practical side of things back onto his shoulders.

Become fun step-mum and let him deal with the parenting.

Original poster

snackajacks100 · 08/09/2021 18:23

@PicsInRed

she always tells my partner to sort it out.

She wants me to overstep when it comes to the nitty gritty

Yes, exactly as you've written above. She wants your partner to parent his children, not you to do so. £50 is a pittance for 2, so she likely needs him to buy a lot of the extras as she won't have any change from that.

There but for the Grace of God, etc.

Sorry.. did you miss that we have them half of the time? Where is our money coming from? 😂 She also has a partner, I don't understand why one parent is more deserving of maintenance than the other.

We all have the same bills to pay.

OP posts: