Feel sad that childhood is different..

[Purplelemon7]

Anyone feel sad that their children’s childhood is different to their own?

I grew up with a lot of relatives who we saw regularly (many lived in the same city and other would often visit over the holidays from abroad). I also grew up in a fairly tight knit religious community. My children are unlikely to have those experiences as the family has drifted apart after my parents generation and I’ve lost my faith so no longer part of the religious community and it makes me sad.

I did when my kids were little yes. I grew up in a tight knit working class community...it was the early 70s and it was a safe, respectable community where all the neighbours knew one another and helped one another.

All the kids went to the village school and played together, the big kids helped out in the holidays by taking all the little kids on the bus to the swimming baths...I went to chapel every Sunday and there were lovely events like church fetes etc.

When I had my own kids, DH and I were always looking for a community like that one...we didn't find it but did find a close second when we moved to Australia and settled in a semi rural town.

My only advice is to participate in your local community as ,much as possible. Take the kids to any local events...volunteer if you can.

Why do you want children to have a faith that you've abandoned?
There's parts of childhood that's improved and other bits gone, we've just got to recreate the bits that have gone, but safely. I don't believe in religion, I'd rather children be taught critical thinking. I like the rights that children now have, the safeguarding and improved living conditions. Not everyone's childhood is as you described. How did the 'tight knit religious community' deal with people who didn't conform, single parents, gay people, women who wanted the sexual freedom of men etc?

@Ponoka7

Why do you want children to have a faith that you've abandoned? There's parts of childhood that's improved and other bits gone, we've just got to recreate the bits that have gone, but safely. I don't believe in religion, I'd rather children be taught critical thinking. I like the rights that children now have, the safeguarding and improved living conditions. Not everyone's childhood is as you described. How did the 'tight knit religious community' deal with people who didn't conform, single parents, gay people, women who wanted the sexual freedom of men etc?

It's obvious she doesn't want them to have the faith she abandoned. She wants them to have a close community.

@FortunesFave Thanks for sharing your experience. I live in a suburb of London and I just don’t get a community feel here. I guess it might be possible to find in more rural areas but being an ethnic minority some sort off diversity is also important to me. And thanks for explaining about faith vs community, you are correct.

20 years ago my neighbourhood would have been filled with children playing out. Now the streets are empty and children aren't old enough to play out until they're too old to play. Parental anxiety, and children being occupied in formal activities/ childcare means that the children just aren't avaliable.

Yup. Aspects of my childhood were abusive so don't want to replicate that! But I had a wonderful aunt and granparents and remember amazing gatherings. I used to ring whenever there was "news." My kids have noone to share they won a sport competition or got good results etc with. Or even just to get excited about a playdate or a holiday etc.

I think London suburbs might make it tricky because everything is so spaced out - I remember when I did NCT it used to take close to an hour to get to some of the other mums houses by public transport.

I think a town where there is only one 'centre' might be good for you, I live in a small city but I always bump into people I know on the bus/in the park. I feel like it's a community.

My DC are mixed race too, we did have to look around a few nurseries to find one that was fairly diverse.

By the sounds of it, I had a childhood like yours OP. However there were drawbacks within the religious community and I did have to deal with sexual abuse at 11 and at 14. As well as being exposed to all kinds of bigotry.
There are other ways for your DC to gain a sense of community with appropriate safeguards in place. Mine went to Brownies, army cadets and became part of the athletic/sporting community.

I'm bloody glad in many ways that my kids don't have the childhood I did. They're not at a school where a bullying disclosure provoked the comment that "your suffering will bring you closer to Jesus"... they don't have to be child carers to a sick sibling or parent like I did... they're not caught playing ping-pong between battling divorcing parents.

We live somewhere there's probably more of a sense of community than I experienced growing up as well - we've been very lucky in that regard.

Of course we didn't have to cope with the hell of a pandemic and never knowing if schools were going to close, and social media and everything that comes from that though - so it's a trade off.

@PileOfBooks Yes I too remember wonderful family gatherings :( I’m sure my kids will have their own lives and friends but I would love to be able to give them something that’s long lasting outside of that.

@SeoultoSeoul I have wondered about those sorts of things but I just don’t know if it’s the same as a family/religious community? I went to brownies and whilst it was great at the time it didn’t give a lifelong community in the way that a large extended family or religious community gives you I think

Anyone feel sad that their children’s childhood is different to their own

No, I'm delighted. My childrens childhood is far far better than mine in every single way.

My advice would be to move out of London. I lived in London for a few years and never knew any of my neighbours let alone felt like there was any kind of community, I found it a hugely depressing place to live where no one seemed to give a shit about anyone else. We moved to a small village and I know everyone in my street now and a lot of people in the village, the school is a big part of the community and there are parish council and church newsletters with events and things to help out with.

I don't think anything can replace having cousins though, they're the 'best' relative when you're a child IMO, I spent a lot of time with mine and there's no one my son gets on better with than his - but you don't miss what you've never had. Are your kids happy is the main question?

PurpleLemon7 Yes, I understand where you are coming from, but in reality, I'm not in touch with anyone from my childhood Church/community. The 2 people I do keep in contact with, I met at school.
Religion is far more than a social club and I'm not happy with a lot of religious ideology.
My own adult children are still in contact with their rowing coaches and a lot of people from that scene.

@tal45 My children are too young too know at the moment and you’re right that you can miss what you’ve never had- DH keeps saying that to me. Cousins are wonderful in my experience too. I had several second cousins in the U.K. and first cousins in Europe who would visit every summer. My children have several cousins their own age but all live in different continents. I think we will need to make an effort to see them regularly. At the moment we don’t see much of each other as everyone is busy with their own lives. I know we all want the children to spend time with each other we just need to figure out how and put the effort in.

@SeoultoSeoul Yes I too have lost contact with most people from my religious community now but I know it’s always there if I wanted to go back. Like you I’m not happy with the ideology so it’s unlikely I ever will but sometimes I feel the temptation purely for the sense of belonging & community.

Absolutely. Gives me a hollow feeling and makes me feel so sad. I was lucky, having grandparents and great grandparents as well as aunties, uncles, cousins etc. I've tried to keep it going but no one seems to care as much 😞. So yes OP I sympathize, I suppose we just have to make the best of what we have.

My kids had a better childhood than I had and mi e was pretty decent for 70/80s standards to be fair.

I don't know: I think people can be quite rose-tinted about this sort of thing.

For every person who sees large family as a source of comfort and strength, there is someone who sees it as stifling and restrictive. Growing up in a large religious community in a rural setting would be awful for a child who was different, or more ambitious or whatever. TBH I can't think of many things worse.

I'm always hearing people say they are desperate to get out of London (where I live) because they miss the sense of "community", then moving to the countryside and finding people are generally far less trusting and open to outsiders than anywhere in London.

If you've lost your faith, why do you regret that your children won't have the same experiences? Surely there's a reason why you've abandoned this life.

I think the sense of "community" which gets trotted out in relation to nostalgic posts is often quite misleading. You can have a "community" just as easily among close friends with whom you have no biological connection in a big city as you can with people to whom you happen to be related by blood. And your connection doesn't have to be underpinned by faith, it could be politics/lifestyle/hobbies, anything really.

If you really unpick it, isn't this just religious guilt talking?

@Beelzebop Yes I’ve found the same! People seemed to care a lot more when we were growing up. I think maybe with many women being SAHMs when I was growing up they kept it going whereas now everyone is busy with work and struggles to find the time? Just a guess

My kids upbringing is different to mine. We didn't have the big extended family. We lived 100s of miles away from grand parents etc. I didn't mind it. I didn't know any different TBH.

My own DC see their grandparents and extended family quite regularly. I suppose they don't know any different. They're at the age where visiting family is boring and they'd sooner be playing on their bikes or minecraft. I'm just glad my own parents get to see a lot of then and be involved.

You'll have to build your own.

Cultivate a circle of friends among parents of your DCs friends. DO things together, lots of BBQs, camping trips, days out, help with decorating, sorting out the garden, that sort of thing.

Communities get stuck into practical stuff, not just the good times.

I’m kind of the opposite. When I was growing up we had no nearby relatives so I’d only see them once a year at most and no real relationship. My DD has a really close relationship with grandparents on both sides, aunties and uncles and cousins. I never felt like I was missing out when I was growing up, but I’m so glad she has this in a way I didn’t.

I think the change in working has definitely not helped!

Oh, I feel this so strongly. I grew up with a big garden (not well off, just a conveniently-positioned semi!), grubbing around in the dirt with my brother, learning about plants and insects. We had a computer, but no games consoles etc. Grandparents just up the road, and lots of visits from aunties, uncles and cousins. I played out in the street with friends or at their houses.

Now I live in a small flat in a foreign country without even a balcony. No real countryside around to explore, and it's often too hot to do much outside. My 14-w-old's geographically closest cousins are too old to play with her, and the others are too far away. She'll probably spend her childhood inside, online. She's unlikely to have any siblings. I want to introduce her to the books and activities that I enjoyed, but I'm worried that'll make her "weird" to her peers. I'm too socially awkward to help her with friend relationships. I'm really sad about everything.

No I couldn't think of anything worse!

I've been thinking about you while I was doing the shopping OP! I know you say you live in London, are there any "lighter" churches you could get involved with? Ones that are inclusive? Or could you volunteer at something like community allotments? Samaritans (they often have family events) or RNLI?