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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.. to feel a bit hurt by this?

50 replies

besure · 07/09/2021 18:06

So my DP and I have been TTC for over a year now with no joy, and unfortunately two early losses.
My close friend knows about this. She's been TTC with her partner but didn't know where to begin so kept coming to me asking for help tips guidance etc and I was only too happy to help.

Fast forward to now, it took them 2 months to conceive, and she broke the news to me last weekend. I was of course happy for her whilst my heart was breaking inside. How could the help I gave her, get her pregnant so fast meanwhile I'm struggling so badly for the one thing my partner and I want so, so much 😔

She's sent me a link today. No back story, nothing.. just a link to a infertility psychic?! Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and actually slightly offended?

I know it's taking us a little while to conceive, but I wouldn't class myself as infertile as such. I feel like this was just really, really insensitive 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
besure · 07/09/2021 18:11

Thank you in advance for any rationalisation

OP posts:
Bobsyer · 07/09/2021 18:11

I don’t wish to be rude but she ‘didn’t know where to start’ with trying to conceive so came to you, a person she knew was struggling? And now she’s pregnant after just two months?

This woman is either spectacularly stupid, thoughtless, or just likes to be cruel. And she has proven this by sending you a link to something that will do nothing other than upset you.

Bobsyer · 07/09/2021 18:12

I’m gobsmacked she needed help on TTC. Doesn’t she know it’s starts with unprotected sex?!

crenellations · 07/09/2021 18:13

I guess she means well and wants you to know she's thinking of you... but id be Hmm at any suggestion of any psychic!

Just wanted to clarify re the term "infertility". Pre-TTC i thought it meant that you or your partner has a diagnosed condition that affects conception (and sometimes it does mean that).

But it also applies to a couple who are having trouble conceiving, usually after trying consistently for over a year. It can feel excessive - I thought it felt "wrong" for me to have fertility treatment when eventually it was diagnosed that it was my husband who was producing under average sperm count, and we'd had no problem conceiving previously - but that's still under the term "infertility". Just wanted to let you know I know how it feels!

Original poster
besure · 07/09/2021 18:13

Honestly she didn't have a clue. She didn't know what her 'cycles' meant, didn't understand ovulation whatsoever.. thought she could have unprotected sex on the breaks in her pill and it will happen for her. I helped her no end, recommended things that I'd used such as OPK's etc

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 07/09/2021 18:13

@Bobsyer

I’m gobsmacked she needed help on TTC. Doesn’t she know it’s starts with unprotected sex?!
I was thinking exactly the same thing!
takehomepay · 07/09/2021 18:14

YANBU, it was an extremely thoughtless thing to do. It’s almost like because she got pregnant that she now thinks she can send you whatever asinine help she wants.

I would say something like ‘I’m struggling and your out of the blue link to infertility really didn’t help. Please be more mindful.’

Merryoldgoat · 07/09/2021 18:15

Well she’s obviously stupid for recommending a psychic.

fairgame84 · 07/09/2021 18:15

I'd be annoyed too.
It's not her fault she conceived quick but wtf with the fertility psychic? Crass.

crenellations · 07/09/2021 18:16

Well I hope she and her dp work out how to access basic information before they become parents!?

RampantIvy · 07/09/2021 18:16

I agree with @Bobsyer. Your "friend" sounds rather thick, and tactless.

I hope you are successful soon Flowers

PugMumm · 07/09/2021 18:17

YANBU. I would feel so hurt also..... some people sadly just do NOT think.

RazorSharp · 07/09/2021 18:36

YANBU and I'd be telling your friend to stop sending you shit!

Good luck OP, it'll happen soon.

Bobsyer · 07/09/2021 18:43

She thought she could continue to take the pill and get pregnant?!

Ok maybe she’s just an idiot then.

Waspsarearseholes · 07/09/2021 18:43

I'd be very concerned about her ability to parent a child if she thought the best course of action to conceive would be to keep taking the pill and not have unprotected sex. She doesn't seem to have even the most basic knowledge of how a body works. How on earth is she going to cope with a baby? I think you need to spell it out to her that she has a lot to learn PDQ and that you can't and won't be on hand to help her learn it.

ManifestDestinee · 07/09/2021 18:46

@besure

Honestly she didn't have a clue. She didn't know what her 'cycles' meant, didn't understand ovulation whatsoever.. thought she could have unprotected sex on the breaks in her pill and it will happen for her. I helped her no end, recommended things that I'd used such as OPK's etc
She sounds like a fucking moron to be honest, and if she believes in psychics on top of that......you can't fix that level of stupid.
billy1966 · 07/09/2021 18:52

@besure

Honestly she didn't have a clue. She didn't know what her 'cycles' meant, didn't understand ovulation whatsoever.. thought she could have unprotected sex on the breaks in her pill and it will happen for her. I helped her no end, recommended things that I'd used such as OPK's etc
If she was really so ignorant and unable to do such basic research, you really shouldn't be surprised.

I really hope it happens for you.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/09/2021 18:52

In honesty I'd wonder about her cognitive ability if she both didn't know how to get pregnant and wasn't able to look it up.

I am astounded at the level of corruption it takes to become an "infertility psychic", that is absolutely taking advantage of people at their lowest ebb.

Calmdown14 · 07/09/2021 18:56

I can see why you are hurt but your year plus is probably the more normal experience than two months
Being so focused on cycles relatively early may not be helping you.
The link was insensitive but probably well intentioned. Is it possible she found your advice a little too full on and is trying to find ways to help you make trying a little less intense?
I do believe there is a big phycological aspect to pregnancy. Wouldn't be keen on seeing a psychic about it though. Started the IVF process and was told 'don't be surprised if you now fall'.... wanted to punch him but guess what...!
Friends have similar stories. Removes a pressure we weren't even aware of.

ChargingBuck · 07/09/2021 18:58

Horrendous insensitivity OP - but she's thick as mince, so are you surprised really? - or just (v understandably) hurt?

Very unfair on the entire human race that she gets to contribute to the gene pool. Spectacularly unfair on you OP - please don;t give yourself a moment's grief if you feel it would be best for you to have less contact with your 'friend'.

ChargingBuck · 07/09/2021 19:02

@Calmdown14

I can see why you are hurt but your year plus is probably the more normal experience than two months Being so focused on cycles relatively early may not be helping you. The link was insensitive but probably well intentioned. Is it possible she found your advice a little too full on and is trying to find ways to help you make trying a little less intense? I do believe there is a big phycological aspect to pregnancy. Wouldn't be keen on seeing a psychic about it though. Started the IVF process and was told 'don't be surprised if you now fall'.... wanted to punch him but guess what...! Friends have similar stories. Removes a pressure we weren't even aware of.
Is it possible she found your advice a little too full on and is trying to find ways to help you make trying a little less intense?

She shouldn't have asked for it then.
Although probably, yes, as the intensity of learning that - wow, having unprotected sex may make you pregnant - may have been a little overwhelming to the friend's limited brainpower.

& I don't think any of us need to bandy words like "intense" at OP right now.

Newmumatlast · 07/09/2021 19:39

@Bobsyer

I’m gobsmacked she needed help on TTC. Doesn’t she know it’s starts with unprotected sex?!
I agree with you. I can understand coming for advice if struggling but before you have started? Either very stupid or intentionally hurtful
AtrociousCircumstance · 07/09/2021 19:45

OP. She’s dumb as a rock and cruel.

Maybe see less of her. A lot less.

Original poster
besure · 08/09/2021 07:51

Thanks everyone I just wanted to be sure that I wasn't being over sensitive.
I only helped her with the advice she wanted, I.e how to know when she's in her fertile window, how to use ovulation strips etc

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 08/09/2021 08:05

Your friend sounds startlingly dim, confirmed by the psychic suggestion. 🙄

We struggled for 7 years with infertility and pregnancy loss and the amount of unsolicited advice ranging from the mundane to the offensive to the frankly loony enraged and exhausted me.

Tell nobody else and when you go to your GP, fib about the length of time you've been trying. I'd double it. There are some really simple tests they can start on right away, like a sperm sample from your DH. Make sure they do that before starting on anything intrusive for you.

Good luck. 🤞