.. to feel a bit hurt by this?

[besure]

So my DP and I have been TTC for over a year now with no joy, and unfortunately two early losses.
My close friend knows about this. She's been TTC with her partner but didn't know where to begin so kept coming to me asking for help tips guidance etc and I was only too happy to help.

Fast forward to now, it took them 2 months to conceive, and she broke the news to me last weekend. I was of course happy for her whilst my heart was breaking inside. How could the help I gave her, get her pregnant so fast meanwhile I'm struggling so badly for the one thing my partner and I want so, so much 😔

She's sent me a link today. No back story, nothing.. just a link to a infertility psychic?! Am I being unreasonable to feel hurt and actually slightly offended?

I know it's taking us a little while to conceive, but I wouldn't class myself as infertile as such. I feel like this was just really, really insensitive 😔

Maybe not what you wanted to receive, but it was sent with good intention. She knows you are struggling, probably saw the advert for it, and sent to you on the spur of the moment.

@besure

Honestly she didn't have a clue. She didn't know what her 'cycles' meant, didn't understand ovulation whatsoever.. thought she could have unprotected sex on the breaks in her pill and it will happen for her. I helped her no end, recommended things that I'd used such as OPK's etc

Oh dear... she definitely doesn't sound mature enough to make babies

@Bobsyer

She thought she could continue to take the pill and get pregnant?!

Ok maybe she’s just an idiot then.

Conclusion further cemented by her recommending a psychic(?!). She's an absolute idiot and insensitive too.

@NewlyGranny

Your friend sounds startlingly dim, confirmed by the psychic suggestion. 🙄

We struggled for 7 years with infertility and pregnancy loss and the amount of unsolicited advice ranging from the mundane to the offensive to the frankly loony enraged and exhausted me.

Tell nobody else and when you go to your GP, fib about the length of time you've been trying. I'd double it. There are some really simple tests they can start on right away, like a sperm sample from your DH. Make sure they do that before starting on anything intrusive for you.

Good luck. 🤞

Would the GP not know that you were picking up your prescriptions for the pill ( assuming as most common, I think)? Genuine question as I was considering giving the same advice to family member.

@Standrewsschool

Maybe not what you wanted to receive, but it was sent with good intention. She knows you are struggling, probably saw the advert for it, and sent to you on the spur of the moment.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Blimey OP for you

Having been in your situation I wholly understand how you’re feeling.

Hang in there, speak to your GP and see if you can get referred for tests, as PP said increase the timeline a bit x

Your friend is clearly an utter berk with no idea it seems about one of the most obvious of human functions.

Mute her for a bit and I just hope they get their heads screwed on on the next few months.

She doesn't sound hugely bright, and for that reason I'd be more inclined to attribute this to ignorance than malice.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you soon.

@besure

Honestly she didn't have a clue. She didn't know what her 'cycles' meant, didn't understand ovulation whatsoever.. thought she could have unprotected sex on the breaks in her pill and it will happen for her. I helped her no end, recommended things that I'd used such as OPK's etc

But usually having sex is all it takes. Ovulation sticks, where you are in your cycle really isn't necessary early on.

In fairness, she must be very, very stupid if she doesn't know how women get knocked up. Stupid enough to believe in psychics and believe she is being helpful? Possibly!

That's really insensitive of her.
And on top of that to send you a link to a scammer is just bizarre.

She doesn't sound hugely bright, and for that reason I'd be more inclined to attribute this to ignorance than malice.

I agree with this. She’s probably also feeling a bit awkward that it happened so fast for her when she knows you’ve been trying for a while and doesn’t quite know what to say. Maybe just tell her that it upset you so she knows for the future.

Astonishingly insensitive.
I'd be hurt at the inference that she feels she knows better now she's pregnant.
And a psychic, good god. I completely agree with a previous poster that that is exploitation of the highest order.

I think you ARE being over sensitive as this person sounds plain stupid! Sorry to be so blunt but if she is so clueless about the reproductive process and incapable of doing a basic Google search and has to consult a friend instead, then presumably she is dumb enough to fall for some nonsense abou infertility psychics.

She will be totally unaware that labelling you as infertile and linking you to hocus-pocus bs is even vaguely offensive.

So yanbu, because blaming an idiot for behaving like an idiot, is not reasonable.

God knows what kind of parent she will be. Makes me feel sorry for her baby.

People this stupid should not be allowed to procreate.

I would go fucking mental. Even without the whole helping her figure out basic biology stuff, anyone sending me a link to a frickin psychic, never mind a fertility physchic would be toast

Maybe I've been over sensitive, but I'm already going through tests with the GP which again, she knows about. I've had two losses around the stage that she is now. She knows all this.

@Waspsarearseholes

I'd be very concerned about her ability to parent a child if she thought the best course of action to conceive would be to keep taking the pill and not have unprotected sex. She doesn't seem to have even the most basic knowledge of how a body works. How on earth is she going to cope with a baby? I think you need to spell it out to her that she has a lot to learn PDQ and that you can't and won't be on hand to help her learn it.

Yup. And OP, I honestly think you’ve answered your own question. Your friend is spectacularly thick. She doesn’t understands the mechanics of human reproduction, so why wouldn’t she think that Madam Zelda peering into her crystal ball would magically bring spermicide and egg together? Not that she probably knows about sperm and egg.

Tell her to sod off and good luck with conceiving.

Oops sorry, I pressed send too early!

... still she tried to send me a link to someone which she claims will be able to heal my infertility. She's even said that if she has twins, she will 'give me one' I know it's a fleeting comment, and yes it definitely had the other friends we were with around the dining table 'laughing' so was probably intended as a joke, but it really hurt. My DP and I have longed to be parents and it's just not happening for us.
I have been diagnosed with a clotting disorder, meaning the embryo struggles to attach to my uterine lining each time we do 'fall pregnant' resulting in chemical / early losses, alongside the two losses I've had already.. so it's just been a struggle and she's aware of all of this. Maybe me being over sensitive again, but it just cut deep.

It gets worse. That's not a joke. How stupid can you be.
I'm truly sorry you have to deal with such comments on top of an already devastating situation.
In your shoes I would be considering the friendship as you don't need 9 months of 'jokes' (and afterwards).

@besure

Oops sorry, I pressed send too early!

... still she tried to send me a link to someone which she claims will be able to heal my infertility. She's even said that if she has twins, she will 'give me one' I know it's a fleeting comment, and yes it definitely had the other friends we were with around the dining table 'laughing' so was probably intended as a joke, but it really hurt. My DP and I have longed to be parents and it's just not happening for us.
I have been diagnosed with a clotting disorder, meaning the embryo struggles to attach to my uterine lining each time we do 'fall pregnant' resulting in chemical / early losses, alongside the two losses I've had already.. so it's just been a struggle and she's aware of all of this. Maybe me being over sensitive again, but it just cut deep.

You’re not being remotely ‘over-sensitive’, but I think you may need to realise that your friend is dopey, tactless and not the best person to be around for you right now. If she doesn’t understand the basics of how to get pregnant, she’s not going to understand clotting disorders or chemical pregnancies.

She was insensitive, but TTC for a year without success does indicate fertility issues. Have you had your hormone levels checked, DH had semen analysis etc?

Firstly, sorry for your losses OP. That can be really tough.

Secondly, you are def not U - your friend should be really thinking about how her news effects you and talking with you about it, ideally. Acknowledging that her good news might be painful for you and asking if you do or don’t want to be kept up to date with her pregnancy and how you can let her know if it’s too much. But...

People only know to do this if they have the knowledge and skills. So in case it helps here are some possible explanations to add to the ‘thoughtless’ narrative. It was thoughtless behaviour but...

May be she’s really awkward at discussing difficult feelings. If we don’t learn this in childhood and grow up in a ‘stiff upper lip’, ‘sweep it under the carpet’ type environment it can be really hard to know where to start those conversations - what words to use even.

• she may have some level of difficulty in processing information if she struggled to access basic information on TTC.

• she may have felt bad afterwards as she realised she hadn’t acknowledged your pain when she broke the news and saw the psychic on a forum somewhere and wanted desperately to help you - albeit in a clumbsy and hurtful way.

• she may have sent it to you accidentally

Some ideas. But I would be hurt too and it would be totally reasonable to talk with her about it and how you can both navigate this difficult and painful situation.

Or she’s a selfish and self centred person and may be nit the right friend for you at the moment. Only you know the depth of the friendship and what she’s like at other times.

Best of luck OP. I hope things work out well for you.

Just seen the twins comment too. Very insensitive. She sounds very emotionally immature. Or really cruel. Only you can know what she has been like in other situations and whether this is her feeling like she doesn’t know how to handle this. Either way it might be a good idea to gently talk to her about how you are feeling. And your other friends. If they are good friends they will understand and want to make things easier for you.

Also, just another thing. If you have never lost a pregnancy/baby or been really close to someone who has, I don’t think all people truly understand just how painful it is. Especially if it’s early on. If you’ve never struggled TC then it’s hard to know how painful that is too. I’m not defending her actions BTW. They were very insensitive. Just trying to understand why and if she’s horrible or just oblivious.

She sounds clueess.
Not sure that i would have gone into the finr details of my failures with her though, given her seeming level of intelligence.

She presumably knows WHY she takes the pill- yet doesnt understand that you have to stop taking it to get pregnant.

Please dont expect her to understand your situation. You have told her things that are seemingly way above her understanding and that is now apparent - she just doesnt get it.

Put some distance btween you, and reduce communications.

@besure

Oops sorry, I pressed send too early!

... still she tried to send me a link to someone which she claims will be able to heal my infertility. She's even said that if she has twins, she will 'give me one' I know it's a fleeting comment, and yes it definitely had the other friends we were with around the dining table 'laughing' so was probably intended as a joke, but it really hurt. My DP and I have longed to be parents and it's just not happening for us.
I have been diagnosed with a clotting disorder, meaning the embryo struggles to attach to my uterine lining each time we do 'fall pregnant' resulting in chemical / early losses, alongside the two losses I've had already.. so it's just been a struggle and she's aware of all of this. Maybe me being over sensitive again, but it just cut deep.

Anecdotally OP my friend has a clotting disorder and had to take a meds regimen whilst TTC, this was discovered after two MCs so hopefully your GP can look into this further for you. There’s definitely hope.