I don't know what to do

[LostTheWill10]

NC for this and posting here for traffic. I don't really know where to begin. I'm feeling very fragile at the moment so please be gentle. I have a 2.5yr old DS and a DH. For about 6 months DS has been waking up before 6am (going to bed anywhere between 6.30/7pm) but recently has been screaming at bedtime and won't go to sleep until 10pm and then getting up at 5/5.30am. We are utterly exhausted. Last night I completely lost it and burst into tears (not in front of DS) and let out everything to my DH. The fact I hate being a mum, feeling like I want to leave, feeling exhausted after faking being happy about being a mum for so long, that having DS was the biggest mistake of my life, feeling like I simply just want to kill myself. The thing is, my DS is what would be described as a pretty 'easy baby/child'. Has slept through since 6 weeks (up until 6 months ago he would sleep until 7am which was a dream), fairly happy most of the time and no particular issues except the sleep. My DH is fantastic, he does his fair share of the cleaning, cooking, washing and childcare whilst working FT. I also work FT in a fairly stressful job and have DS 1 day a week to save on childcare costs. I don't enjoy looking after him, I find all the play very dull and boring and I'm very tired of the constant whinging and crying over nothing. My heart literally aches for my life before him where I can do whatever I pleased with no responsibility for anyone else. My DH was really sad after my outburst of feelings, he's sad for me but he's not a big talker and other than saying "you're a fab mum" he doesn't really know what else to say. I can't talk to anyone else, my mum is of the opinion if I talk to a professional then my DS will be taken away from us so I feel scared (and ashamed) of saying anything. I'm sorry for the brain dump, I just have no idea what to do - I'm stuck and feel I have no way out. Has anyone else felt like this? How have you made things better?

Your child will not be taken away at all if you speak to someone, which you need to do. I don't have any great advice but I know posters who have been through the same will comment soon. Thinking of you OP, you're not alone

Your DS won’t be taken away from you because you feel the way that plenty of mums do. Please speak to your HV or your GP, help is out there to feel better. You’ve taken the first step by telling your DH, you’ve got a lot on your plate and there’s no shame in struggling

OP

On the practical side, you have to make choices.
Stretch yourself to the 5th day in nursery if you can at all. Your MH will benefit.

Take time completely out - each of you and DH - at the weekend.

Talk to your GP and/or HV.

There is nothing to be ashamed of in struggling

Your child will not be taken away if you tell a health professional how you feel. Children are kept with parents as much as possible, and you are not in that category. I think a chat with the GP or HV about how YOU are would be a start.
2.5 is a difficult age, he’s probably having toddler tantrums and the works.
Firstly, I’d put him in nursery 5 days. Find out if/how much he’s sleeping when he’s there.
Then chat to the HV about how little he sleeps, and some tips for settling him earlier.
Can you tell us more about his day and his bedtime routine ?

OP it's really hard. I have a similar aged DD and the whinging and moaning drives me to despair. She has just started playschool and I am upset that she is crying going in as I want her to be happy but I also need time away from her. It's nothing to be ashamed of. What works for me is trying to get regular breaks (if that's possible). If there is anyone who could (cheaply) give you a hand that might be something to consider. Ps I think 2.5 is the worst age.

Go easy on yourself OP. Kids are relentless and totally utterly overwhelming.
We all have days where we'd quite literally be happy to rewind time.
It will get better.

Ahhh. I wish I could give you a hug.

Put your DS in nursery 5 days. And speak to your GP or HV. Talking ,here and to your DH , is the first step now take the second.

Its fine to go through a mix of emotions, we all do it. You should be proud of taking steps to fo something about it.

Really feel for you OP

I had very similar feelings when my baby was waking hourly through the night. Sleep deprivation is the most alienating and awful experience.

Please do talk to someone. Your son will not be taken away from you - that’s daft scaremongering from your own mum. Struggling and seeking help doesn’t make you a bad mum. It makes you a good one.

You deserve to feel happy again, and you will. Seek the help you need for this. Please also talk to your husband about practical changes you can make to ease your load; you need time to yourself each week for a start.

You’re in a really tricky phase at the moment but things are going to get better. Hang in there.

Do you mean you work 5 days condensed into 4 to save childcare costs ? If so then I imagine that is very difficult. I think you need to reduce your hours if you can. Some people just don't cope well with lack of sleep and that's completely understandable.

Toddlers are hard work! Get him into full time nursery, and take the extra day for yourself. FT is usually discounted, so the cost rise will be small.

Ask you GP for a referral to a counsellor. Use this to offload and it will help get your head around why your feeling this way.

It’s normal to not enjoy time with kids. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine. You’ll be okay.

It’s also good you told your DH. He needs to understand you’re struggling.

Re bedtime, stop fighting it for now. Bring your son into your bed for snuggles, a book, some tv even. He will fall asleep next to you quietly and content. He just wants you. Put him back in his bed once asleep. I promise it’s much easier for now. In a couple of months, you can make a fuss of him being back in his own bed, see if he takes to it. Keep bed time a happy, relaxed space and eventually he will get there.

Your child will not be taken away but you will get support. Go and see your GP and ask for a referral to counselling.

Your DS is clearly loved and cared for and you need some love and care as well.
Just because you don’t like the toddler stage doesn’t mean you will hate being a mum forever. Everyone has stages they don’t like

Plan yourself a nice treat for the weekend and book that appointment. You are completely normal with how you feel

Your mum is wrongity wrongity wrong. GP. Some huge proportion of the population has needed some support with their mental health at some point. They don't all have their children taken into care. There would need to be vast state institutions to look after all the millions of children.

Thank you all for being so kind, I'm crying reading the comments. To answer a couple of questions, bedtime has always been a very good routine of calm play after dinner or when home from nursery, bath every other night, change, story, bed. With the early morning wake ups I've tried to put him back to bed repeatedly but DS will just cry and scream so we did get in the habit of bringing him in bed with us till 6am but he would just be wide awake (and then fall asleep on the way to nursery at 7.30am!). I'm tempted to start taking him back to bed and putting my foot down in the mornings like we have to at night. He sleeps for 1.5hrs at nursery 12pm - 1.30pm but won't nap at home anymore. Someone asked if I work condensed hours which I do, we can't really afford for me to cut my hours down and to be honest, although it can be stressful, I love my job. I'm upset my mum told me I'd lose my DS if I said anything to a professional, she's very old school and the logical person in me knows she's wrong.

OP I promise you, your child will not be taken away. I had similar feelings and put off help until I was suicidal and then went and got help. I wish I'd gone sooner as I got counselling and some medication and felt so much better. In the meantime, can your mum take DC over night and give you chance for sleep - lack of sleep is like torture and makes you unable to think rationally!

You just need a break and to find a more sustainable balance OP.

Part of my "growing up" as a mum and adult has been to recognise much earlier the warning signs of approaching burn out, exhaustion, the tipping point between stressed but happy into stressed and unhappy. Including diet, mental diet, sleep, social contact, hobbies, self care etc.

I don't always spot things going off track soon enough but I'm getting better.

You got this OP.

@HeyDugeesCakeBadge I'm sorry you felt this way. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm actually going to the GP today for another issue so will pluck up the courage to raise it then. My mum taking DS overnight is another issue really. Any time I ask her, her face drops and it's like a huge inconvenience to her so it really puts me off asking unless we have somewhere like a wedding to go to. I think she's had DS overnight twice since he was born and she's never seemed particularly happy about it, but always says they've had a lovely time etc. It's strange. Unfortunately DH family are a few hours away so aren't able to help with childcare at all.

I am sorry you are going through this. Parenting young children in my experience is not easy and I struggled with it. The constant demands on you from every angle and lack of sleep are too much to bear sometimes. Can I ask does your DS sleep in a cot. One of my dd’s woke very early crying at this age and slept in a cot bed so we changed it into a bed, put a safety gate in the door way and toddler proofed the bedroom. That way if she woke early she could get out of bed and play with a few toys for a while. It did seem to help at the time and bought us a little more sleep. Best of luck.

Solidarity OP I also have a 2.5yo as well as a 4.5yo

Things which have helped in my experience:

Ask nursery to drop the nap or limit to 30 mins. See how that affects the early morning wake ups

Buy a gro clock. You set the sunshine to the time they are currently waking. Make a big fuss when you go in and say oh look it's morning etc etc. Then you start edging the time forward by 10 mins every few days until you get to desired wake up time. You will be amazed how they buy in to relaxing until the sunshine's and eventually sleep in (as long as they aren't getting too much sleep elsewhere hence cutting the nap). You could even do sticker chart

Both my kids dropped nap by 2 but I know
It massively varies. The fact he's started waking early says to me that he doesn't need that daytime nap

Read how to talk so little kids will listen - very good book

Finally - working FT with
Children as well as juggling general life is a really full plate. You are doing incredibly well. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I work 3 days and sometimes have an inward sigh when I realise it's my day with the kids. It's so mundane and boring 😳 that's not to say we don't love them , we do but it's just so draining especially when you have no give in your whole week, no time to decompress and basically running on empty

Could you maybe put him in for some additional half days on your day with him? Even every second week? It will help. It won't be forever.

Do speak to your HV - in my area there is a service where a volunteer will come out to you once a week for an hour or so. It can really help to break the day up as it can become very intense when it's just parent / child all day. And don't get me started on the pandemic

You say that he started acting up about 6 months ago, which would put it March when it started to stay brighter in the evenings so naturally kids associated daylight with the time to be awake and up and active and not going to bed irrespective of the time of day, so could you put some tinfoil or get some black out blinds to help with the bedroom issue.
As for what your mum said to you, that may have been the situation in the past, and I mean the very distant past, but it really isn't the case any more. If you ask for help from a professional, they really don't want to break up a family unit while they are giving the help to one of the members of that family. Talk to your GP. See if there is something that they can do to help you.
You are not a failure, you are not a rubbish parent. You sound worn out and you need a little bit of help to get you through this time.

It will get better.

If possible and if your DH is on board, book yourself into a hotel one Sat night and let DH have the toddler. Not instead of getting help, but as well. I found this unbelievably helpful when sleep deprived.

First of all hugs and support to you, this is a difficult age and it can be extremely stressful.. and there is no shame in admitting it! Speak to your doctor, taking your DS away is not going to even cross their mind unless he is at risk of being harmed and just because you are finding things stressful doesn't mean he's at harm, that's a massive misconception and a big reason why mums are scared to ask for help. I know you have a stressful job but being a mum is a job too, also i recommend getting rid of social media, posts from mums that give the impression every day they have their crap together doesn't help, when really they are more than likely crying in the bathroom because their kid is having a tantrum

Don't make a permanent decision on a temporary emotion.. this stage will pass

[quote LostTheWill10]@HeyDugeesCakeBadge I'm sorry you felt this way. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm actually going to the GP today for another issue so will pluck up the courage to raise it then. My mum taking DS overnight is another issue really. Any time I ask her, her face drops and it's like a huge inconvenience to her so it really puts me off asking unless we have somewhere like a wedding to go to. I think she's had DS overnight twice since he was born and she's never seemed particularly happy about it, but always says they've had a lovely time etc. It's strange. Unfortunately DH family are a few hours away so aren't able to help with childcare at all.[/quote]
Hi,

If you can, write down how you are feeling and hand it to the doctor. That way if you don't have the confidence to say something, you can still get the help.

You've said you feel suicidal - it's really, really important you talk to a GP. Depression is very real and you'd be surprised at how much your life can improve simply by your mental health getting better. Your child will not be taken away from you just from what you've described! I felt very similarly to you after DS2 was born - I went to the dr when he was 9 months old. I started to feel better just before I was due back at work and regretted having taken so long to go because I finally started enjoying him! At no point was there any talk about taking my children away from me and my husband.

It may also be worth asking for blood tests to rule out vitamin deficiencies. Some can make you feel like this (eg B12) and if it's that, it's a really easy fix!

Good luck at the doctors (((hugs)))

Talk to your gp , your child won't be taken from you because you had the good sense to reach out for help .