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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New house doesn’t feel like mine

33 replies

Minthelicopter · 06/09/2021 22:05

Ready to be told I’m very ungrateful.

I recently bought a house with DH. Prior to this I owned my own property for a number of years, it was small but I spent a lot of time and money on renovations and sold it for a decent profit, enough to put a good deposit contribution on the new place.

DH’s parents gifted him a significant amount for a deposit towards the house, enough for us to have a very small mortgage for a big house. It’s lovely to have more space and the location is beautiful. On my own I would never have afforded this. As a couple we wouldn’t have afforded this without the help.

But it doesn’t feel like mine. I’ve spent a lot of time decorating, buying bits and pieces but I still feel like a guest in someone else’s house. We are tenants in common so joint owners, but it feels nothing to do with me. I feel like a fraud to be living here. It also seems totally unreasonable to feel like this. Am I being and should I just get over myself and enjoy it?

OP posts:

HurryUpAndWait23 · 06/09/2021 22:09

Why do people keep saying gifted all the time?

They never used to? Who started this?

OP, it might just be that it's not all yours like it was before. It sounds like your previous home was very much your baby, as it should be, given all the hard work you put into it.
Could that be the reason?

Crowtooyo · 06/09/2021 22:13

@HurryUpAndWait23 because the money is a gift? Why wouldn't it be called a gift?

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 06/09/2021 22:15

Did you take much furniture etc with you??

We're moving soon and I am honing down all the things I like and deciding where they will go, so new house filled with my things! I should say "our things" but dh isn't bothered. Although today we moved a lot of retro/vintage mirrors out of a room into storage and he's already said it seems weird in that room without them, and quibbled over my plans to hang them on the stairs gallery style in the new house!
Same with bedding/throws, it's all stuff I love so it's coming with and going to make that house mine, iyswim.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 06/09/2021 22:16

[quote Crowtooyo]@HurryUpAndWait23 because the money is a gift? Why wouldn't it be called a gift?[/quote]
Gave. We used to use 'gave' or 'have given'. Worked well.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 22:17

Please get out of this mindset.

You've given up your own property to buy with DH.

Unless you've entered into the marriage with bad faith, you deserve your home as much as DH does.

Are you worried about what would happen in the event of (hopefully unlikely) divorce?

Hopdathelf · 06/09/2021 22:18

While I don’t love “gifted” it’s helpful in clarifying the money was given as a gift not a loan.

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/09/2021 22:18

@HurryUpAndWait23

Why do people keep saying gifted all the time?

They never used to? Who started this?

Because that’s what it is in mortgage terms - they have to sign a letter stating that the money was ‘gifted’ as opposed to loaned. ‘Gave’ could mean anything

Thatsplentyjack · 06/09/2021 22:19

Why do you feel like that? Was your share of the deposit much smaller?

stonebrambleboy · 06/09/2021 22:19

There are worse problems to have.

Longdistance · 06/09/2021 22:19

Are you perhaps grieving for your old house?
I had this when I moved in with dh. I loved my little house. I chose everything for it. Now live in a house where I have to take dhs ideas into consideration, which are bland and boring in stuck in the 2000’s.

Original poster

Minthelicopter · 06/09/2021 22:20

Sorry, they gave us the money. I’m using the term gifted as that’s how the solicitor saw it when we looked at the mountain of associated paperwork!

Actually most of the furniture is mine as DH isn’t really interested in interiors so it’s not that. I think in my head my last house was an achievement I was proud of. This one just feels like I cheated.

OP posts:

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/09/2021 22:20

Also OP - are you from a different background than your DH?
I grew up in a one bed, small terrace. DH nice middle class 5 bed. The first house we got together was a 3 bed and I could not believe it was mine. Felt like such an imposter too! Howveee I got used to it’s
Do you feel guilty as the money wasn’t fully yours?

TractorAndHeadphones · 06/09/2021 22:21

Also - I was v proud of my own little flat (rented but still it was all mine). I’d also feel out of place in a bigger house paid for by someone else.
Remind yourself that it’s a bit of luck, that you deserve it :)

trulyconfuseddotcom · 06/09/2021 22:22

Is it maybe because your previous home was all yours, you bought it, you could afford it, you felt you had control over your housing situation? As opposed to now, where if things didn't work out longer term, you'd maybe have to sell up and move on? I feel a bit like that in my current house, it's pretty weird. Slightly removed from it all.

Hekatestorch · 06/09/2021 22:25

Think about it this way. If you sell and use the money to buy somewhere else, you would still feel the same because the money came from his parents.

So it's not the house it's your mindset. You are married it's both your house.
.
You aren't a fraud, you do own half of it (apart form the mortgaged bit but you know what I mean).

Its your home and your property.

Original poster

Minthelicopter · 06/09/2021 22:26

Yes my contribution was small as an overall percentage although not in terms of actual value, it was still a decent sum of money. But it’s about 10% vs the overall amount.

OP posts:

LookAtMoiPloise · 06/09/2021 22:26

@stonebrambleboy

There are worse problems to have.

👆🏻

Unsure1983 · 06/09/2021 22:27

I think I would feel like that, too. You'll have to channel Lady of the Manor vibes and 'own' it somehow. Maybe see it as an expression of love from DH parents to him and by extension to you. So feel loved and taken care of and that you deserve that love.

GoWalkabout · 06/09/2021 22:36

When you marry you combine assets. Families pass down assets to benefit each other. Does the gift your family member gave you for your birthday not feel like yours? You are building a life together and that means intertwining not demarking boundary lines and counting beans. If you have a value about having to earn things for yourself - where does that come from? Why has it been drummed into you? Does it need discarding or updating.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 06/09/2021 22:38

Because that’s what it is in mortgage terms - they have to sign a letter stating that the money was ‘gifted’ as opposed to loaned.
‘Gave’ could mean anything

Thank you. I didn't know it was used in mortgage terms. It's bandied about on MM left right and centre at the moment. Same as "of a night" instead of "at night" but don't get me started.

What do you mean "gave could mean anything" though? It seems pretty black and white to me. It isn't a loan or a favour. Gave is gave, surely?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 06/09/2021 22:44

Maybe see it as an expression of love from DH parents to him and by extension to you.

I’m not the OP but I really struggle whenever DHs parents want to give us anything - I don’t have parents and am very used to being independent and paying my own way, so it makes me very uncomfortable.

I’m going to try and view it through this lens. Thank you.

Cam2020 · 06/09/2021 22:50

How long have you been in the house? It took months for pur new house to feel like my home.

LastGirlSanding · 06/09/2021 23:12

It’s a bit ‘diamond shoes are too tight’ in some ways but it sounds like you may be feeling something self-esteem wise. You say that your old house felt like an achievement but this one feels like you ‘cheated’. So maybe you are feeling like it’s worth less somehow or undeserving in some way because you were fortunate to end up in a house that you didn’t 100% solely by yourself ‘earn’ in the same way.

But my view on that is - try to relax. It’s ok for good things to happen even if they were a stroke of luck rather than blood sweat and tears. Plus, your hard work DID make a significant contribution to your new house.

FlyingSoHigh · 07/09/2021 00:08

We moved 9 years ago as a family - this house still doesn't feel like my home even though I own it jointly and it is lovely. Not sure there is a logical explanation.

PickAChew · 07/09/2021 00:36

How much say did you have in choosing the house? I know you're getting jibes about diamond shoes being too tight but I can look through rightmove with a budget beyond my reach and only a handful of maybe a dozen houses might even look like they could feel like home to me. Even when we were hunting, out of a dozen potentially suitable houses in budget, we ended up viewing half a dozen and we only loved this one, with a couple of others that were suitable on paper but we could never have loved, for various reasons.

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