New house doesn’t feel like mine

[Minthelicopter]

Ready to be told I’m very ungrateful.

I recently bought a house with DH. Prior to this I owned my own property for a number of years, it was small but I spent a lot of time and money on renovations and sold it for a decent profit, enough to put a good deposit contribution on the new place.

DH’s parents gifted him a significant amount for a deposit towards the house, enough for us to have a very small mortgage for a big house. It’s lovely to have more space and the location is beautiful. On my own I would never have afforded this. As a couple we wouldn’t have afforded this without the help.

But it doesn’t feel like mine. I’ve spent a lot of time decorating, buying bits and pieces but I still feel like a guest in someone else’s house. We are tenants in common so joint owners, but it feels nothing to do with me. I feel like a fraud to be living here. It also seems totally unreasonable to feel like this. Am I being and should I just get over myself and enjoy it?

Op, please give yourself a break and enjoy your beautiful house on behalf of those of us never likely to have such a thing! Sounds like you have some self esteem issues perhaps?

I felt like that when we moved into this house. I think it took about 6 months to feel like home, but it does now.

You won't always feel like this, in x years time things will need doing, replacing. Just enjoy living there and having a good life now.

It's imposter syndrome. Have a Google.

@Minthelicopter I get it, we bought our house 12 years ago. Myself and my husband contributed equally. We moved from his small 2 bed terrace to this large 3 bed terrace and it didn't feel like mine for about 5 years! We decorated throughout and remodelled the kitchen in that time but it still felt wrong.
I did sort of 'settle' but I was always on Rightmove looking for something that might have felt right but in the end we had a massive disaster in 2019 that meant we had to move into a rental for almost a year (in a house I truly hated)
Well, the day we walked back into this house was definitely like coming home! It looked totally different to the last time we saw it (redecorated completely) but it felt so right, I can't explain it!
I haven't really spent anytime on Rightmove since moving back in and when I have had a quick nosey I can't see anything I prefer-even well out of my budget!
I'm not saying have a disaster with your new house (it was 12 months of hell exactly in the middle of the pandemic, nearly finished me off) but I definitely get how you feel. You will settle in, eventually. Overtime I collected plenty of old/secondhand furniture that I picked myself. I also inherited a lot of bits from my grandmother when she died (glass decanters, wine glasses etc that no one else in the family wanted) which made it feel more properly part of my life rather than me fitting into someone else's story if that doesn't sound too wanky!
Obviously, I have no idea what your personal taste is when it comes to decoration but try and find things that are 100% you (don't follow fashion blindly!) For example all of the furniture in my bedroom is dark wood that was 'trendy' 80-100 years ago! I do not give a shite what anyone thinks...it it's my peaceful place and makes me happy! All I can suggest is you sit and think about what you like and go from there, it will make a difference.
Sorry for the epic post...got a bit carried away

It’s most likely an issue you have with accepting gifts. Some people are uncomfortable with it.

Also, it could be the house itself. Some houses just don’t feel like home, it’s an odd thing but they have an uninvolved vibe.

I think the point of did you have much of a say in choosing the house is v relevant… my mum chose the house I grew up in, my dad always hated it despite working to pay the mortgage

In your shoes I’d consider:

• the money your in laws have given would be coming at some point any way so enjoy it
• redecorate a bit to your taste - doesn’t have to be anything major, a lick of paint & some throws/cushions/plants would make a difference

A lot of us choose houses that somehow resemble the ones we grew up in … is there some of that going on? So … is the issue this house in particular, or having a lower financial stake in any house?

I think it's normal if you move somewhere significantly bigger or nicer than you are used to. It takes a while to settle in and feel like you deserve it.

We moved to a beautiful house 14 years ago. Much nicer than we had ever dreamed of living in. It involved a stonking great mortgage but we had done our sums and knew we could manage it. The day we moved in DH had a nightmare that we couldn't pay the first instalment. When he told me about it he said plaintively " I thought we could manage at least one payment Confused'. It bought it home to me what a big step it had been and what pressure there was on him as our major wage earner.

The good news is we are still there, the mortgage was paid off some years ago and we both still love the house. It took a few years but it really does feel like home.