To think everyone has regrets to a greater or lesser degree later in life?

[SlB09]

Just wondering from those who are maybe in the later stages of life, let me learn from your wealth of experiences!!!

Do you think its even possible to not have a single regret in life?

@Aposterhasnoname

I hate the smug never have any regrets mob. If you don’t regret mistakes how do you learn from them? I regret tons of stuff, but I’ve learned from it and moved on. Even worse is the “you only regret the things you don’t do” bollox. If I decided to tombstone off the top of durdle door, there’s a very high chance I’d come to regret it.

If you regret a mistake you can’t learn from it and move on. You just end up repeating it over and over again in many different ways, or worse, use it to never do anything fun again.

As for the example you used - it’s all about taking measured risks. I used to live locally to Durdle Door and many more people tombstone / jump off it than are injured (the media only reports the injuries).

I’ve got more contented as I age but I do have regrets. I’m mid 50s. I think I’m in the wrong career for my strengths, though having said that I enjoy my work, so it’s not all bad. I regret a couple of decisions we made re the kids and where we live, but again, I can forgive myself for making them because things don’t always work out as you hope/expect.
Overall things have gone ok so far! Like an OP said, there are reasons for decisions, but you don’t always get them right.

If you regret a mistake you can’t learn from it and move on. You just end up repeating it over and over again in many different ways, or worse, use it to never do anything fun again. As for the example you used - it’s all about taking measured risks. I used to live locally to Durdle Door and many more people tombstone / jump off it than are injured (the media only reports the injuries

Surely it's the other way around? Regret can teach you not to make the same mistake again. My brother is in the 'no regrets' crew, and his boundless capacity to forgive himself and move on means that it's much easier for him to hurt people's feelings or put his wants ahead of everyone else's needs again and again, while still being relaxed and charming at all times.

And as for the tombstoning... Yes, but the vast majority of people didn't die in car crashes in days before seatbelts. Doesn't mean we shouldn't wear seatbelts, and avoid the most likely risks (or take them very advisedly). I guarantee that spending a few days around people with brain injuries would cure people of the desire to undertake quite a number of activities. The likelihood of a bad outcome may be very low, but the severity of the bad outcome is so high. Someone upthread said that everyone who is bereaved has regrets. I'm not sure that's true, but I can guarantee from painful experience that *

I don’t have regrets. I’ve made mistakes and learnt from them, and it was often something I needed to learn. So then no I don’t regret that mistake, because it helped me in the long run. I wouldn’t go back and change it. There were decisions I could have made that would have made life a lot better, but equally some that would have made life a lot worse. I took the middle road and it’s worked out fine. So I feel happy with my choices.

everyone who has suffered a life changing injury or whose child has, has regrets.

@PersonaNonGarter

People who have no regrets have not suffered bereavement

Can you explain what you mean by that?

I have a few minor regrets but I don't dwell on them, it's pointless to do so.

Hindsight is always 20:20. There are always things we could've done or could've avoided and we tell ourselves that life would be amazing if only we had done x y or z, but we rarely think about how awful our life could've been if we'd done x y or z and how lucky we are in this moment in time.
Normal to have regrets, but don't dwell on them. Life happens, get on with it.
And watch Sliding Doors.

There are definitely things I would have done differently, but my experiences have made me the person I am today. Life would be quite boring if it was too much plain sailing! My biggest regret is that I didn't apply for a job as cabin crew as I think I would have loved it. My parents weren't very encouraging in that area but I wish I'd been more determined to actually go ahead with it. I ended up doing office work which I suppose has probably given me different opportunities. Different forks in the road!

When I say I have very few regrets at the moment....it doesn't mean I never have! That would indeed be somewhat arrogant. But many things I did regret at the time have turned out to help me become better or more thoughtful about something.

Example....I said something unkind to a boy in high school who was being very irritating. At the time he respected me and so my unkindness upset him. I felt awful, I thought about how it might have felt for him to hear my unkind words, and I apologised. We talked it out over a few weeks and it really shaped a long term and hugely valued friendship. I've never said anything thoughtlessly unkind like that again, which I think has helped me navigate more adult friendships in a better way.

So yes I have regretted things, of course I have, but as I have got older, I feel more and more that most things I have done, good and bad, have all formed a building block that is part of who I am now, and I feel at peace with that.

@Aposterhasnoname

I hate the smug never have any regrets mob. If you don’t regret mistakes how do you learn from them? I regret tons of stuff, but I’ve learned from it and moved on. Even worse is the “you only regret the things you don’t do” bollox. If I decided to tombstone off the top of durdle door, there’s a very high chance I’d come to regret it.

but there is a difference between accepting your mistakes, learning and moving on, and living life regretting all the what ifs.

@OverTheRubicon

everyone who has suffered a life changing injury or whose child has, has regrets.

I think this really highlights that we all mean somethign different by the word regret!

In this context, I might grieve for the life that wasn't, for the life that will now never be.
I might regret an action if it lead to the injury (although I hesitated to even write that as I think parents often blame themsleves when there is nothing they could have done)
I might wonder what life would have been like if....

I don't think those are what I mean by regret.
To me, a regret is wishing I could go back and do things differently.
I see a difference between acknowledging mistakes and regret. To mean acknowledging mistakes (and sometimes atoning for them) and learning from them, is not regret.
To me regret is wondering endlessly about the 'what ifs' and that colours the life you live now

I regret not making better choices in life.
Life could have been very different if I'd the awareness and resilience I have now.

Overall it could be worse, I'm generally positive and see the glass half full, my life is much better than lots of people.

There is no point living in the past.

@Ylvamoon

You only regret the things you didn't do.

‘Je ne regrette rien’ is such a vacuous platitude.

Is there anyone who has ever smoked who can honestly say that they don’t regret starting? I certainly regret doing so.

Is there anyone who has suffered or caused someone else to suffer a life-changing injury as a result of taking an unnecessary risk who doesn’t regret doing so?

Is there anyone who has ever hurt or betrayed someone they loved who doesn’t regret doing so?

I don't have regrets because I don't believe in free will. Decisions aren't made in a vacuum, you make them because they're the best one in that situation, so if you were placed in that situation a trillion times you'd always make the same decision, so regrets are meaningless.

I don't think it's very fair to accuse those who have no regrets of arrogance. Some people have had easier lives than others and haven't ever made a decision whuch has led to significantly awful consequences, either because they were lucky enough to have never been in such a difficult situation in the first place or because it all worked out alright in the end. As long as you recognise that there is a huge amount of luck in that, rather than claiming it's because you've made amazingly good decisions all the time, I don't see that as being arrogant at all.

I lost a ton of money and became a homeless single parent at one point in my life and that WAS through my own poor judgment to some extent) but I recovered. I have no regrets because it's made me a better person and I was lucky enough to recover and have a better life without any scars being left on anyone but myself.

I'm also not including things you have absolutely no control over, such as bereavement (in most cases). I lost most of my very loving and happy family by the time I was 18. Nothing I did could have had any influence over that. Do I miss them and wish I could have them back? Yes of course, but I don't 'regret' their deaths as there's nothing I could have done differently.

To the poster who lost a child through suicide, I can't imagine how painful that must be. I wouldn't want to patronise you with meaningless platitudes but you have my deepest sympathy.

@PinkKecks

Hindsight is always 20:20. There are always things we could've done or could've avoided and we tell ourselves that life would be amazing if only we had done x y or z, but we rarely think about how awful our life could've been if we'd done x y or z and how lucky we are in this moment in time. Normal to have regrets, but don't dwell on them. Life happens, get on with it. And watch Sliding Doors.

I think when life is going great etc of course hindsight doesn’t come into it… hindsight is amazing but not always comforting? If that’s the right word!

I think for some people though especially if pessimists, like me in some respects, then yes, it can be really hard not to dwell on certain mistakes especially if they’ve impacted on future life choices.

Sliding Doors is a good film.

@ToffeeNotCoffee 'that living life without regrets just means a life lived with a 'fuck you' attitude'

Kind of resonated with me, like its maybe a lack of reflection?

Regrets? Definitely.

Beating myself up over them? No point.

Far too many to mention, when I go wondering back through the years there are many times that I should of played my hand differently.I I try to not let myself get bogged down, but my mind loves focusing on my mistakes, failings which then knocks my mood and energy out of sync.

What’s the point of the negative effects of regrets?

None of us can change the past, but we can change ourselves and be more positive no matter what age.
If something negative happens I learn and work on doing it better next time. To me regret or dwelling and not learning could make me depressed and then make others who I love sad, so no I’m not a regrettable person. Of course bad things have happened, it’s life but I want a positive life as it’s the only one I’ve got.