AIBU to tell friend the moment has passed?

[AutumnBliss]

Both Good friend and I turned 40 the same year. Hers was a few months before mine. We ended up going for a very expensive meal for hers and I spent a fair bit on her present. I made quite a fuss of her. I even made her a cake.

Then it was mine. She was on holiday when I celebrated it but she told me she had a gift for me and we’d celebrate some other time. I’ve seen her a good number of times since then and it has never materialised. That’s absolutely fine, I’m not a child, but she annoyingly keeps bringing it up e.g. “oh, I must bring your present”. She doesn’t live far so it’s not hard to drop it off.

AIBU to say the moment has passed and stop bringing it up. The main reason being that last month was my 41st and the moment really has passed. I don’t want to be still having this conversation when I am 60. I am a bit miffed that hers was a massive event but mine was unimportant but that’s fine, I’ve learned my lesson.

I'm in the text and offer to pick it up camp. That will shut her up.

You’re not a mug OP xx
Next time she brings it up be ready with some ridiculous sentence like
“Oh we’re well and truly so far down the river and round the bend you may well hold onto it for my 50th”
😂
Then either leave, go to the loo, put the kettle on, Hoover ……..
But point will be made and you keep your head held high x

I'd call in unexpectedly and say you were passing by.

You could then say you can take your present, and save her a journey with it.

Do you never go to her house?
I’d go round for coffee take a sip and then look round me saying

“ ooh I’m excited for my 40th birthday present”

You’ll know right at that moment if it was ever purchased - -or regifted to you at Xmas- -

That’s really poor form from her and you have every right to be pissed off.

I have the opposite going on at the moment. It was my 40th first and 3 months before it my friend said as it was a big birthday we should do something special, leave it to her she would organise something as a surprise. Which I thought was really very sweet of her. Not necessary at all, but thank you.

I gave a few ideas of things we could do; road trip to a new city to explore / train into London for shopping and a pub crawl / check out that restaurant for dinner that we keep meaning to go to but haven’t yet….. all suggestions met with “leave it to me”

One week before my birthday she tells me she hasn’t got round to arranging anything, sorry. We had not fallen out in this time or anything btw.

She was a bit upset about it all and I didn’t want my bday to be a cause of upset or stress (I wasn’t fussed about doing anything major in the first place!) so I said don’t worry about it, shall we go to [local chain restaurant that we be been to umpteen times before and always have a good time at] for dinner that will be nice.

We did. And somehow I ended up paying for both of us!

Her 40th is in a few weeks and she keeps on telling me how excited she is for her bday surprise from me…

I am actually planning something brilliant and putting in a fair amount of effort, and although I am excited to be doing it for her, I do think it’s a shame that this whole thing has been so one sided.

@AutumnBliss

Her birthday cost me hundreds and I actually feel a massive mug.

Gosh. My friends and I never spend money like that on each other. A bunch of flowers or maybe a home made cake or chocolates or a bottle of wine with a card is sufficient.

As pp said op, it was presumably your choice to take your friend out for a meal. I am sorry she hasn't reciprocated in kind as you anticipated, but I think you need to forget about it. She may be out of pocket from her holiday. Or she may be just selfish. Either way, you need to decide if this is worth terminating the friendship over, or if you want to still be her friend, and act accordingly. And if she brings it up again fhs just let her off the hook graciously. Not in a million years would I lower myself by suggesting that I pop around to her house to pick up your "supposed" present. Seriously, having just lost a friend to cancer, there are far more important things in life to worry about.

As pp said op, it was presumably your choice to take your friend out for a meal

Well, yes and no. She wanted to go to this place to celebrate her birthday and asked us to join her. We didn't feel right in saying it was too expansive as we were all under the impression from her that 40th's were huge and to be celebrated in style.

Just her's so it happens.

No YANBU OP. I got fed up with a friend as I felt she was generally selfish . This was a few years ago. I started pulling back - she sensed this and only then said “oh sorry I forgot your birthday” - I thought to myself it’s strange that only when I’m pulling back on the so called “Friendship” is she choosing to remember my birthday? It ended in a bitter row and we’re not friends now

I'm still waiting for the "so sorry you're leaving" present a work colleague (and friend!) told me she'd got me, that I was going to LOVE...!

That was over 3 years ago.

If the gift was that amazing she would have been banging down your door to hand it over, so she could rack up the ‘I’m a great friend’ points.

She possibly had a vague idea of something she might get you, but life got in the way and she never got round to it. There is no gift.

I was all ready to say 'Cut her some slack, she's probably busy' until you said your 41st had come and gone!

She obviously doesn't value the friendship as much as you do.

Let us know if she ever turns up with it. Maybe she's also thinking the moment has passed and is saving it for your 50th

@tempchecked

"Friends" can be highly overrated. That's why I don't have any lol. Learned the lessons big time. I'm older now and couldn't give a toss anymore.

Many are high maintenance, constantly late, break confidences, are users, unreliable,and all for a cup of coffee or a drink now and then.

Forgive me or shoot me now.

You've cracked it.

I would swerve this person - I cannot stand that kind of thing. Either get me a present or dont, but dont keep going on about it like you have when you clearly haven't - it is beyond dull. She sounds selfish and a bit of dick.
As you get older you realise that you really don't need these people. Make room for more considerate friends.

"she annoyingly keeps bringing it up e.g. “oh, I must bring your present”."

I would have to reply to that next time. Maybe -

• Yes, you must.
• You do realise that I'm 41 now?
• Shall I just come back to yours and pick it up now?
• You've been saying that for a year now.
• Ahahahahahahahha! Like I believe you ever got me a present! Good one!

Sounds like she's been a crappy friend but I must say that some people are uncomfortable with big birthday gestures.
I've got a friend who arranged a weekend of surprise outings and parties for my 40th and it was a lovely gesture buy I didn't ask for it!
I found the whole weekend quite knackering and at times overwhelming.
I've never been able to reciprocate that kind of generosity for her, maybe I'm a terrible friend.