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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell friend the moment has passed?

65 replies

AutumnBliss · 06/09/2021 18:39

Both Good friend and I turned 40 the same year. Hers was a few months before mine. We ended up going for a very expensive meal for hers and I spent a fair bit on her present. I made quite a fuss of her. I even made her a cake.

Then it was mine. She was on holiday when I celebrated it but she told me she had a gift for me and we’d celebrate some other time. I’ve seen her a good number of times since then and it has never materialised. That’s absolutely fine, I’m not a child, but she annoyingly keeps bringing it up e.g. “oh, I must bring your present”. She doesn’t live far so it’s not hard to drop it off.

AIBU to say the moment has passed and stop bringing it up. The main reason being that last month was my 41st and the moment really has passed. I don’t want to be still having this conversation when I am 60. I am a bit miffed that hers was a massive event but mine was unimportant but that’s fine, I’ve learned my lesson.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 06/09/2021 19:56

@Jangle33

I love how you only got her a present because she said she’d got you one. You don’t sound like a great friend either tbh…
You need to read the OP again.
GreyhoundG1rl · 06/09/2021 20:05

I don't think that poster was addressing the op.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 06/09/2021 20:06

@OmgIcantbelieveshedidit has it spot on.

summercupcake · 06/09/2021 20:14

Next time she says it is just say 'I think we both know you didn't buy me anything, it's been over a year now, let's both stop pretending!' I'd say it in a jokey tone with a laugh....

StoneofDestiny · 06/09/2021 20:35

"You keep bringing up you have some amazing gift for me. Does it exist - just asking as I'm nearly a year older"

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/09/2021 20:38

I’d really want to suggest popping round to my get it. Watch her wriggle out of that one!

Original poster
AutumnBliss · 07/09/2021 08:50

I love how you only got her a present because she said she’d got you one. You don’t sound like a great friend either tbh…

That is not what happened. This person is a good friend of mine. A friend I have known since our DC were born. She invited us to a very fancy restaurant for her 40th, with a few other people. It cost ££££ for me and my DH as the champagne was flowing. I also bought her a very thoughtful, costly present because she made a very big deal of us turning 40 and made out that it was a once in a lifetime thing and we all deserved something really special. Even though she is a good friend, on top of the meal, I probably would have spent £50, rather than £100 on a present if she hadn't bigged it all up.

OP posts:
Original poster
AutumnBliss · 07/09/2021 08:51

Her birthday cost me hundreds and I actually feel a massive mug.

OP posts:
SquirryTheSquirrel · 07/09/2021 08:54

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I’d really want to suggest popping round to my get it. Watch her wriggle out of that one!
Yes, do this.
takehomepay · 07/09/2021 08:54

She invited us to a very fancy restaurant for her 40th, with a few other people. It cost ££££ for me and my DH as the champagne was flowing.

Please don't tell me you paid for her meal/champagne?

She's not a good friend, as I said upthread, don't treat her to anything ever again. Just pay for your own and take 50% of every shared cost.

Whinginadeville · 07/09/2021 08:54

'Good Lord the moment has past I've had another birthday ffs. You obviously haven't got me anything please let it go' that should cover it

NorthLodgeAvenue · 07/09/2021 08:58

@tempchecked, do you ever feel lonely? Genuine question. People I thought of as friends quit clearly aren't.

Original poster
AutumnBliss · 07/09/2021 09:08

No, we paid for our own meal but it was a top restaurant so it was very expensive.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 07/09/2021 09:25

its weird if she is STILL bringing it up, surely if she didn't have it, she'd just not mention it anymore.

So i'd just ask her to post it next time she mentions it, or just ensure you get it (too large, you will pop around for coffee on x date). Just don't let the conversation die once its next mentioned.

LookItsMeAgain · 07/09/2021 09:42

@burnoutbabe

its weird if she is STILL bringing it up, surely if she didn't have it, she'd just not mention it anymore.

So i'd just ask her to post it next time she mentions it, or just ensure you get it (too large, you will pop around for coffee on x date). Just don't let the conversation die once its next mentioned.

I'd brazen it out. If she mentions it again I'd go in "Oh, I've been meaning to say something to you about that. As you keep forgetting to drop this gift around, shall I pop around to yours on Monday to pick it up?"

See her change the topic double quick time (this means that she hasn't bought you anything and will end up having to resort to Amazon Prime to get something delivered to her in 24hrs) or she'll say "Oh that would be brilliant. It's been taking up most of the space in the hallway and it would be great to hand it over to you".

Or something like that but I'd be brave and brazen it out!

Notgoodatchoosingnames · 07/09/2021 09:42

I have a friend like this. I bought her a beautiful gift for her 40th (as I have done for all our friends 40ths) and she told me she had something for mine 6 months later that I would get next time I saw her. It hasn't been mentioned since. Neither has mine and DH's wedding gift. We've just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. Though she doesn't bring it up past the first time she mentions it. Then it's done.
She's also the last to pay you back if you've paid for something, last to get a round. And no she doesn't have financial worries. At all!

secular39 · 07/09/2021 09:44

Yep, I had a friend like this. I was just glad that I didn't spend no more than £20.00 on her birthday gift as I knew she would have never returned the favour and would keep saying "I will get you your present soon".

RicherThanYew · 07/09/2021 09:47

@tempchecked You're completely right. I had a large group of friends some years back but now I have 1 friend and then "acquaintances.

3luckystars · 07/09/2021 09:49

You have not been a mug, you were just lied to and that’s not your fault.

There is no gift. What do you say when she says ‘oh I must drop over your gift’ ?

Next time don’t fill in the silence, just stay quiet. If she changes the subject say ‘what is the gift, I can’t wait to see it’ stay silent again.

Stay on the subject.

There is no gift. She will either cut you off completely or buy you something shite and resent spending her money on you.

I think that £100 was the best money you ever spent. It revealed all.

Pinkdelight3 · 07/09/2021 09:58

I wouldn't see it as being a mug. It's not like you didn't eat the nice meal. You got what you paid for and presumably had a nice time, so I'd recast it in your mind as that. If you hadn't been turning 40 that same year, there wouldn't be this expectation that you should get the same out of it or else you're a massive mug. You went (voluntarily) to a fancy restaurant for your friend's 40th and enjoyed it. That's one thing.

Your friend being lame about mentioning a gift that's never materialised is another thing. Tell her that moment has passed by all means and that sting of embarrassment should equal the sting of her being useless about it. But that's all I'd frame it as. Not build it into anything bigger to get bitter about.

billy1966 · 07/09/2021 09:58

Whatever she is OP, she isn't a good friend.

They really don't behave like that.

CF's do.

I can understand you feeling like a mug but it really isn't your fault.

She is just a dishonest, crass CF.

Sorry.Flowers

Lanique · 07/09/2021 10:03

Yes I would tell her the moment has passed. In fact, I would go one step further and say, "please stop bullshitting me. I know you don't have a gift for me so let's stop pretending eh." But that's because I'm a grumpy 45 year old now with a very low tolerance for bullshit these days Wink.

friendlycat · 07/09/2021 10:06

Yes it would annoy me too and I would want to put a stop to the comments going forward. I think I would simply say what you have ..
"I think that moment has passed now, don't you? Especially as I'm now 41."

Then I would just change the subject but note her reaction. Of course it's nonsense in this amount of time. She's had ample time to do something but has not bothered and somehow thinks it is OK to keep mentioning it as if that somehow makes it all OK which it doesn't. It just makes it worse.

whatwasIgoingtosay · 07/09/2021 10:17

This is not OK. She's a CF. I had a friend who would say, every year for several months, I must bring you your Xmas present. Then around Easter she would turn up with a scruffily wrapped present in Xmas paper - it was always either a diary or calendar! I took the hint after a few years and stopped giving her a Xmas present.

AuntieStella · 07/09/2021 10:25

If she was terminally disorganised, and she really was so used to tripping over your pressie in the hall that she doesnt 'see' it any more, you'd probably know this character trait?

Yes, it probably doesn't exist, and YANBU to ask her to refrain if she mentions it again.