Pregnancy ruining my career reputation?!! What to do?

[ElektraAbundance]

Hello all,

Posting here as I need the vipers to tell me straight!

Started a new job beginning of pandemic when everyone was alternating working from home and being in the office so I never got to know colleagues well. We then went back into office full time in January.

The job is a professional one requiring us all to be registered professionals and dealing with the public. Massive workload, under resourced etc.
If someone goes off, it impacts everyone else.

End of May I became very unwell and ended up in hospital and requiring surgery. I was in for a week and then off my feet completely. I was off work May, June, July for recovery. It couldn't be helped and there was no way to 'work through it'. It was physically impossible to do my job after surgery until recovered.

Work were supportive and sent me gifts and well wishes.

In July I discovered I was pregnant (very happy and planned).

I went back to work in August, though not fully recovered from surgery, I felt able to manage with a smaller workload.

I shit you not, 2 weeks later, I got hypermesis. Constant terrible sickness. Unable to get out of bed type sickness. Had medical intervention and have been put on strong anti sickness medication.

I was then off work with the sickness until beginning of last week.

I went back Tuesday.. Wednesday I started to feel unwell. Thursday I tested positive for covid (I've had the vaccine). So off work again after 2 days in.

I am now very poorly again, in bed. Covid feels like terrible flu and the sickness has come back.

All of these things can't be helped but I do know that I appear flakey, lazy and unreliable. Especially as my colleagues don't know me well.

If this was my last job then I wouldn't be so bothered as I worked there 5 years and was never off so my colleagues and bosses knew me so well and that I'm usually hard working and definitely am ill.

I've had the odd comment from acquaintances outside of work of 'your pregnant, not ill' etc which makes me feel like shit.

A few colleagues did say comments such as 'I was working 60 hours with 2 small kids and 8 months pregnant' etc

My SIL is currently 8 months and telling me how she is currently painting the babies nursery and doing tip runs etc and never missed a day of work.

I know to everyone other than DP who witnesses everything, they must think I'm 'always ill' and 'playing the pregnancy card'

But the surgery and covid just happen to coincide with pregnancy sickness. Bad timing.

I don't know what to do.

I feel like just getting a sick note for 4 weeks and going back after a full month of recovery. I should then be fully recovered from sickness, covid and surgery. Then I can go and work like a horse up until maternity.

The alternative is that I keep popping back in whenever I feel well enough to work like I'm doing but risk going off again and looking more sketchy.

I don't know what to do.

If I could 'pull myself together' I really would. But its physically when I'm both ill and sick.

What would you all do?

Oh no! A perfect storm! I would be inclined to take the time off and get well.

I'd ask your dr but tend towards the 4 weeks off for full recovery.

Your health comes first and being pregnant + covid + surgery means you need every chance to get properly better.

It's unfortunate, work will probably be pissed off but it really can't be helped.

Hold you head up (when you go back feeling better ) and have a zero tolerance policy for snide comments. Great for those who worked like marines while pg but not everyone is so fortunate.

Hope you feel better soon

I cant stand people who say you're pregnant not sick.. I've been horrific this pregnancy and have had nothing but sympathy from work! But its hard as I am the only pregnant person who's been in our department for as long as anyone can remmeber.

Put yourself and baby first and sending you flowers

I totally get this, and had horrendous sickness and proper exhaustion too, (I never got diagnosed with hyperemis but I'm 90% sure it was) and had condescending comments from my boss and colleagues saying they don't understand why I'm saying I'm so sick as they managed fine and could manage as normal when they were pregnant - which I was but my god it was hard to keep up and I didn't do anything extra. Ive had friends around me with pretty much no symptoms too. I then developed bad spd and had to take my maternity early cos I wasn't allowed to work from home (even though my other colleague could). I longer work there, as I took redundancy I'm struggling to find another job but I couldn't bear the idea of going back to that environment after maternity.

I was tempted to get a sick note for a bit, but I don't think it would have made much difference, I had the same sickness for about 3 months but if you can do it make sure you can without having to take your maternity early (as its a pregnancy reason) then go for it and see if it helps.

You need to take the time.

Its really difficult. Because obviously, you haven't planned to have an accident, have HG then covid.

I always think these ybing are temporary. Even if it's like this to the end of your pregnancy. When you get back from mat leave, it won't be the same situation and year after that, no one will really think about it.

It probably seems like a long time away, but it will fly. And if you are better and work between when the sick note ends til leaving, people will have forgotten before you go on mat leave.

Its unfortunate and there's no point pretending some people won't be sympathetic. But it will pass and people will forget.

If you have HG it is unlikely to be solely controlled by meds. Going back early always makes it worse. I did this during my firsr pregnancy (I got pregnant 2 months into a 12 month contract - they really hated me) and spent more time being violently sick in the loos than I did working.

2nd time round (I gave birth in November) I was basically signed off for the whole pregnancy.

I would go for the 4 weeks initially and see where you are after that. You cannot be penalised for pregnancy related sicknesses.

Good luck, it is bloody horrendous.

Wow you have had such shit luck!!! I agree with pp. that you should take the time off. If you push yourself, you’re more likely to get sick again and it will seem more flakey. Once you are back to full health and are able to work at 100% everyone will see what you are actually like to work with and all this will be forgotten. Take care of yourself and baby.

Do you have a copy of your company sickness policy. I am assuming all of your absence has been GP certificated.

Ask for an informal meeting with your manager and HR to discuss your absence in line with the policy. Pregnancy related illness must be treated separately to non pregnancy related illness. That said, it is appropriate to discuss it so that there is transparency and everything is documented.

If your GP signs you off sick, that should be sufficient but your company should also be undertaking a pregnancy risk assessment and referring you to OH.

Frankly anyone that all speaks up about your pregnancy absence is skating on dangerously thin ice and that needs to be handled by HR, who will be all over ensuring you are not discriminated against.

Talk to your Gp, talk to HR. Ignore everyone else and remember that opinions are like arseholes; everyone's got one. But employment law is there for a reason.

get a sick note?
they will sign you off on maternity leave from 36 weeks anyhow so go put your feet up

I suffered with HG. Literally suffered. Its grim as, i worked like a horse too through my pregnancy, HG, hip pain couldnt walk but i trooped on. It isnt worth it

The right answer for you will depend on your workplace absence policy.

At mine, every instance of sickness goes down as a sick period, whether it’s a day or a month, and periods are counted in terms of trigger points. So you’re no worse off having a few days off than you ate one day (once you’ve started to rack up sick absences it changes to a calculation called the Bradford factor).

So someone who was going in for a few days cos they felt a bit better, then realised they weren’t ready and went off again, went back again and so forth will be in deeper shit than the person who just got signed off for a fortnight to recover.

It puts people off from going back when they feel ready as then if you get it wrong and go off again you’re penalised for that, but that’s how it is.

Have you looked into your workplace absence policy at all?

I would try your best to stop giving the opinions of others any weight: YOU know that you’re poorly, not faking it, it’s not your fault. To anyone who said ‘I was working blah blah through pregnancy’ or ‘pregnancy isn’t sickness’ I’d be very tempted to say something like ‘gosh, you were so lucky to have been well the whole way through! I’d give anything not to have gotten so poorly with HG’, really make the point you are ill. Just because it’s related to pregnancy doesn’t mean it’s not illness! But frankly people like that are best off receiving silence from you. There’s a certain sort of person who really gets off on telling everyone what a strong Viking warrior woman they were during pregnancy, no self awareness to realise they could just as easily have become poorly like anyone else.

You sound like a conscientious and hard worker and I hope you can cut yourself some slack!

I think you may do the same job as me… take the 4 weeks off to get better! You can’t pour from an empty cup!

If anyone dares to say anything negative about you being off all you have to say is ‘my doctor told me I wasn’t able to attend’. That’s what a fit note is, a doctor saying you’re not well enough to be there. Nobody else but you and your medical team have any right to any say on that. If you were at our workplace (NHS) even though we’re stretched the most we’d say is that we hope you’re okay, get well soon and look after yourself. Because we’re not monsters and we recognise that when someone is off sick it sucks for them and it isn’t their fault we have so few staff so there’s no sense in being angry at them.

Oh you poor thing, it is so unfortunate! I would definitely take the four weeks off to recuperate fully. You owe it to the baby you are growing!

Awwww that’s unlucky OP. Much better to get a sick note and get yourself better than to go back too soon and make yourself poorly again.

Is there any chance you could negotiate working from home for a period to ease yourself back in?

Thank you all so much for your replies. Really appreciated.

I know they can't sack me or penalise me for this in anyway.
I'm very fortunate that I have a lot of benefits in my employments due to my profession including full sick pay etc .

I don't want to be outing by saying exactly it is that I do. But a LOT of people depend on our type of profession. So when I'm off someone else has to do the job.

I have worked from home sometimes to try and show willing. The only problem is that it makes little difference. If clients need me, they need me. So me having my head down the loo impacts them regardless of if I'm in the office or at home.

I'm more worried about my colleagues opinions I guess and I shouldn't be.

But I know whenever I'm off I'm having such an impact.

Also, I'm the only female of childbearing age. They've never had a maternity in the department before.

All the women are a lot older with adult children that are my age.

It’s just terrible luck OP. Not your fault.

I think anyone who says ‘you’re pregnant not ill’ or thinks you’re ‘playing the pregnancy card’ is an idiot who doesn’t understand what HG is. I haven’t had HG but I have had regular pregnancy sickness and frankly I found that debilitating. I can’t even imagine what HG is like. You ARE ill. You have HG and Covid.

I would take the four weeks and recover. Your health is the most important thing.

Covid AND hyperemesis, I can't begin to imagine how debilitating that must be and it's absolutely right and appropriate that you rest and recover, especially after the surgery as well!
It's understandable that you feel anxious about how your colleagues perceive you, I would too but as others say its just rotten luck that it's all happened while you're relatively new in role.

Ugh I feel for you, started new job sep 20 (coming back from mat leave using hols to only work 3 days a week) new year- cancer scare, March- found out I was pregnant, may - appendicitis - july father passed away. I was worried I looked like I was taking the mick but my manager was incredibly supportive.

Ultimately, as you know, none of these things are your fault or can be helped. So whatever time you need to feel better enough to return, take it. Don’t go back before you’re ready as you won’t really be operating at full capacity and will probably end up feeling worse and needing more time off. It’s good that the company you work for has these sort of benefits so you don’t have to unduly worry about any ramifications. As for any colleagues who chime in with ‘playing the pregnancy card’ or ‘when I was pregnant I was out ploughing fields’ I’d promptly, succinctly and obviously ‘professionally’ tell those colleagues that those comments are inappropriate as you’ve dealt with three serious health issues in rapid succession of each other.

I know it’s hard when you want to perform at work and climb the ladder etc but ultimately employees are just a number at the end of the day, anything happened to you (me or anyone else) the vacancy would be posted by the end of the week so in the grand scheme of things its really not worth fretting over xx

HG can last the entire pregnancy (or at a later stage you might have other pregnancy related sickness). I’d take the time you feel you need now to manage and then see what you can do. If you aren’t well enough to work, you aren’t well enough.

I’d take the four weeks and hope I felt better.

As someone who has had an HG pregnancy, I can confirm that anyone who says "you're pregnant, not ill" is a fucking idiot. How vomiting multiple times a day, severe nausea and dehydration for months can somehow be fine because you're pregnant is beyond me! Anyway. I'd take the time off and fully recover. I totally understand the guilt but really what choice do you have? Pushing yourself might make everything ten times worse! Recover and then go back definitely. Good luck with the pregnancy.

I spent a lot of time during pregnancy worrying about what my work would think, sneaking off to vom, going on work trips when I was clearly too unwell. I ended up being treated very badly by my company regardless of my efforts to 'power through' pregnancy, and had terrible mental health problems after my baby was born.
Not saying any of that will happen to you BUT it really made me realise that work will never really give too much of a shit about you, whatever you do! Your pregnancy and health are by far the more important thing, so put yourself first. You're not letting anyone down, you're pregnant and sick, which is fucking hard. There are always women who sail through pregnancy, but many many don't. I found it the physically toughest time of my life, and the extra pressure to try harder at work was awful.
Put yourself first, focus on rest and recovery

You should do what is best for you. If it is taking another month off so be it. It is likely irrespective of your best efforts there will be people moaning about you taking several months off for illness followed by more illness followed by regular hospital appointments for pregnancy followed by maternity leave. You can't and shouldn't please everyone. It is just a job

If you haven't already found it there is a hyperemesis support thread in Pregnancy here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/4322558-Hyperemesis-Support

HG sucks, I had it with each pregnancy. Try to keep your fluids up as much as you can and sleep as much as you can.

All the women are a lot older with adult children that are my age

They may not have experienced HG or know how serious it can be. If there isn't sufficient cover in place to cope with staff illness that is an organisational problem rather than your responsibility and its shitty when the workplace enables staff to blame each other for being ill.