To think that "I understand where you're coming from" is a PA statement

[Feelingmardy]

YABU - no it is not PA and it is a perfectly reasonable statement

YANBU - it is PA

I think it depends on tone/context. Also, it’s invariably followed by ‘but’. Not something I would say.

It’s a perfectly normal statement and personally I would take it at face value.

What phrase would you prefer people to use in conversation that conveys someone understands a point but still disagrees or wants to put forward an alternative view?

Do you think people should only agree with you, or disagree with you without any understanding of your point?

It's an attempt to understand why you think the way you do while not agreeing with you.

It’s not passive. They’re saying they agree with you BUT… then explaining their own view.

It's the kind of phrase you use because you feel you have to rather than being a phrase you'd naturally come out with.

YABU.

I can understand someone's perspective and still disagree. Saying so helps them appreciate that, and I hope they would feel like I had listened to them properly

YANBU

It’s an expression of empathy.

It’s a standard thing to say and doesn’t have PA connotations, unless that’s shown through tone.

Context would be very helpful here.

What else would you say? "I can see why you're saying that?"

I think it's most often used towards someone who is repeating their point of view over and over, to bring a close or change in direction to the conversation. I understand where you're coming from but the company doesn't have several million spare to buy a new property and revivals it to your standards, is a current one with one of my team. It can be used positively, I understand where you're coming from, maybe we need to rethink our plans around X, thanks for highlighting that potential issue.

Is understanding where another person is coming from but not agreeing with them pa now?

@Augusta1

It’s an expression of empathy.

I wonder if that's it, the fact that someone has to verbally demonstrate their empathy makes it seem less genuine to the recipient.

YABU - it means I understand your point of view and why you think that way, but I'm of a different view because X, Y or Z.

Far better than a flat out 'no, you're wrong' or an eye roll, or a HTH.

@Augusta1

It’s an expression of empathy.

Rarely.

It's more often used as a deflection, to show an understanding that doesn't actually exist. The speaker is usually being dismissive.

Yeah, I know what you mean but listen, my version is better.

It’s usually used when you’re disagreeing.

Eg
“I understand where you’re coming from but it can’t happen because…”

This must be an argument that’s happened. Give us the context!

I think because it is overused and the listener knows fine well there the ‘but’ coming it’s just kind of redundant - as if said for form’s sake. A shame because it it actually a proper thing to say if said and heard truthfully/literally.
I don’t think I ever say this.
I tend to use ‘I can see your point of view’ or ‘I do understand why you feel that way’. I try hard not always to have a ‘but’ following immediately.

No, I don't think it's PA - but I'm sorry if you feel upset by what I said 😁

The hugely PA kind of similars (to my ears) are ‘you do you’ ‘that doesn’t work for me’ and ‘meh’. Loathe those three. (Cue lots of meh?)

Why would you deem it a passive aggressive phrase?
It's someone empathising with your stance on the given discussion, but disagreeing.

I'd say it was quite a respectful way of telling you they don't see it the same way

I don't like it because it's a clichè and gives the impression that the person saying it doesn't understand at all and just wants to brush you off.
If they say a few other words, to show they do understand the point you're making, that's different.

Maybe people should just say "I think you're wrong" but then the problem with that is that some people then explain over and over what their argument is and feel like they haven't been listened to.

Yeah, I know what you mean but listen, my version is better.

Or
"Yeah, I heard you saying some stuff but my thoughts are the important ones."

Yeah but no.