to feel bad for my kids that we have no family

[BeachDrifting]

We have no close extended family. No family get together. Weddings. Family at my kids birthdays. It’s just the 4 of us all the time. On our own. I see other people’s social media and their celebrations every weekend. My best mate has 20 family members over to her house every weekend. Where did I go wrong? We don’t even have anything close to that and no possibility of it. I feel like I’m living life wrong. How do I get what they’ve got? How do I get that big extended family thing for my kids? It makes me feel incredibly depressed. Every weekend I feel lonely. Can I ask how others with no extended family cope. What do you do to fill the gap?

Only you can answer that, where is your family and your partners? Neither of you have any family at all?

We only have one relative. My sister.
It’s just my children and me otherwise.
My sister lives miles away and we don’t see her often and we really are alone other than her.
I’ve just learned to accept it.
It’s made me very sad for my children in the past but it’s something that is completely out of my control.
I don’t know if I’d call it filling the hole as it’s just how it’s always been but we are really close and do allot together.
I make sure they never go without love and time, practical needs and trips, holidays and treats etc.
I hope they go on to meet people to build their own little families with.

Our family members are hours away in different directions. Mine are toxic, racist and homophobic. DH has a broken family background and there is no cohesive unit just separate individuals who don’t like each other.

We're the same OP. Our families lives in a different country, and we've got both DS's birthdays coming up. They're getting to the age where they really start to ask questions about why they don't get loads of cards or presents. It's so tough, I'd like nothing more than having that input in their lives.

Well I don’t think there is anything you can do then, I only have my mum and dad as I don’t speak to my siblings, my ex is absent and a family aren’t involved. Isn’t there a saying about friends being the family you choose? Maybe concentrate on friendships

It is really hard. My kids have never had a family birthday celebration where cousins visit and family hang around for the day. I feel ashamed. Like I’ve massively let them down. It’s utterly shit.

I have tried really hard with friendships but I find everyone we know has their own big extended family network. They’re always booked up with family events most weekends. Maybe we aren’t living in the right area. I feel I need to live somewhere people move to rather than grew up in if that makes sense

I think in your situation I’d try to find some kind of community group to be involved in- a church or a sports club or something. Then you might get a bit of a mix of adults and young people to spend time with. Our martial arts club does Halloween parties for adults and kids and have organised trips also. I don’t go to church any more but when I had young family I did and that was nice to see all ages and do lunches and celebrations etc.

A community group is a good idea. Does anyone have any other ideas for what type of groups to look for? We aren’t religious so can’t do church.

I get this. I have dB and his family which is great, but my parents are dead, and dp doesn't get on with his family so we hardly ever see them.

I also feel really sad for dc that there's no happy family gatherings. It's particularly hard at events like Xmas, bank hols, Easter etc as everyone else sees family so aren't available. Mostly I try to see friends and weekends we entertain ourselves, but when everyone else is busy with their own families that's hard.

My parents are back in in Blighty, my sibling and 3 DC in New Zealand. DH's family are all within a 5mile radius, 4 siblings and 6 cousins to play with. However, the sibling with 5dc is a nutter and no one ever sees their kids. The sibling with 1 DC is always at her Mil's, pity as their child is just 3 months older than ours and could be really close.

There are also no mass gift exchanges at Xmas/birthdays, no big cousin get togethers at parties etc.

Our DS has tons of friends, lots of other 'onlies' to mix with. And actually since lockdown last year he's been playing Roblox and stuff with the NZ cousins and they have now a lovely relationship although they've never met, and probably won't in the next 10 years!

Kids don't know what they don't know. I don't think DS realises what he's missing out on as our lives are full of other things.

But I know it can leave a sour taste when you see others having big family get togethers

I don't understand why you would feel ashamed or that YOU have massively let them down. If you don't have close family and you are not the reason they are not close then those are not feelings you should be having.

My extended family are all alive and health but far away. Mil and fil have always insisted they are too young and vibrant and living their best lives so have no time at all for our kids. There is nothing you can do.

I just make mental note not to be like that when my kids are adults. My eldest is turning 18. Has no real family memoirs and he is fine. Fil, mil and step mil still in good health but their time to build bonds have past. One good thing is that my ds has no duty to them and I doubt much urge to form a relationship in their dotage. It makes me feel bitter but I was never my choice to make its theirs alone.

I agree with @LowlyTheWorm

Oh, and you would be very welcome at most Churches for the Community even if you haven't made minds up about belief or faith.

But you can get that same sense of Community at Scout Groups, at sports clubs (Rugby more so than most sports) or sometimes through groups you attend with pre-schoolers, like playgroups.

I'd say your best mate is very unusual. People generally do not have 20 people over every weekend.

I have a big family but some of my best childhood and teenage memories were hanging out with my sports “family” at the weekends. Team sports or tennis or anything with a club and members is a great way to get a sense of belonging and support that you might not get from a family.

I completely identify OP. When I was a young child, extended family meant the world to me. All my happiest memories were formed during large family gatherings. I hoped for similar for my own children. But my mother and mil enjoy their freedom too much to get bogged down with seeing family, they've made it perfectly clear we are an inconvenience so DH and I have stopped bothering. They've missed sports days, important assemblies, nativities. I tell myself it's their loss, but can't help but feel bitter that my children are being denied the type of family involvement that they see a lot of their friends getting. I'll be watching this thread for tips, I've been considering church too but I'm agnostic.

I hear ya, op.

I live abroad so all my family are back in the UK. We see DH's family but not that often, maybe 3/4 times per year? We occasionally have big celebrations, Xmas, Easter etc but the cousins are older than our kids, which isn't ideal.

I've found that I have had to really encourage and develop new friendships. It's true what you say about moving away from places where everyone grew up.

Thanks everyone. It’s made me feel not so alone hearing everyone’s stories

Same here OP 😓 I often feel sad tok. I grew up in big family community with lots of cousins but sadly not same for my DC.

We have one GP who is still alive, my DM who lives in a different country and is fairly toxic. My DB lives in another different country with family, we see him twice a year (less now due to covid). My DH’s sibling lives a long haul flight away, they are not interested in having a close relationship. All our cousins are miles and miles away or/and different countries 😓 No family members that live close to us.

@AdriannaP have you managed to fill the gap? Do you take part in a community group?

I grew up in foster care and my grandparents who raised me for most of my life before then are both deceased, so I understand what it’s like to not have close family ties.

Teach your kids that family isn’t always about blood. Sometimes family is the people you choose as family. If you don’t have any friends you’d count as family, then work on that. Not just for your kids, but for you too.

If you do have any family at all (assuming there is no negative pat history involved, I don’t know your full situation), consider reaching out more. It can be awkward at first when the family dynamics are unfamiliar, but it’s worth a shot. You may have to keep reaching out and continue trying.

Does your partner (assuming you have one— I read family of 4 but didn’t see a specific reference to a partner so I wasn’t sure if it was 2 partners and 2 kids or you and 3 kids, sorry!) have any family either? That’s always a possible source.

Beyond that, get involved in groups, activities, kid’s school/extracurricular activities. Get out there and start meeting some people! You might not have been given the family you want, but you can choose to make a family of your own design.

And if you can’t? That’s okay too. Remember that social media is very deceptive. Of course you see all the parties, events, get togethers with big happy families. Nobody gets on social media and blasts “I’m so lonely, my family sucks, we have nobody,” do they? You just see all the good parts. So don’t beat yourself up about it and your kids will most certainly turn out fine. Nowhere in my psych undergrad courses did we cover where kids turn out maladjusted because they didn’t have a big extended family. 🙃 Your kids are fine, so just put yourself out there to see who you meet and don’t put pressure on yourself if it doesn’t work out.

Same here and it does upset me sometimes. The family we do have are so far away we don't see them much.

I have my dad and sister in Scotland(we are in Wales) we see them once a year, my dad sometimes twice. we have done a couple of Haven holidays in the past with them and my brother who we see twice a year(4 hours away). I really hope we can do something together with them next year cause last time we all met together was 2-3 years ago. My mum's got serious mental health issues and in a home with terminal cancer(not local either). Hubbies parents have both passed away, we used to see his mum a lot as she was local but she's been gone 3 years.

It def makes it harder in many way but as long as our kids have us they will be ok, that's what I tell myself.

We live abroad so no family here. Back ‘home’ we have very little family left between us.
Ds is an only child so he has no siblings either. It’s just the three of us. But you know, I don’t mind really at all.

We do have some lovely friends here who join us for various events as well. Many of these also don’t have family nearby, so maybe that’s what you need? Friends that also have little family so you basically become A kind of close ‘family’ between you.

I didn't grow up with an extended family but I grew up with close friends whom I regard as family/cousins. Our parents were all immigrants here and met through work/cultural clubs etc. They got married and stayed in touch mainly to keep the cultural/food connections alive. Back then society wasn't accepting of immigrants so people stuck together for safety & support.

It's sad that your blood family isn't available but teach your kids to create bonds with others & each other. People here can be quite insular about family and sometimes adopting the immigrants model might help widen horizons. I'm close to my 3rd cousin but not my 1st as I have more in common with her. Think about what you have in common with people and build on that slowly.

I'm sorry, how difficult. I'm not normally one for moving away from situations as such. But in your case, as you've suggested it, you could have a point about living in a place people move to.

I have a number of friends who live in cities, who make up family-type groups. They have less connection with their families for all sorts of reasons: distance, time constraints, small/no families, fall outs, they grew up in care, loss of family member etc

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Have you considered looking at some of the books about families that are aimed at children? Depending how old they are, a quick peek on Amazon showed a wide variety.

Your small family is not so unusual, but I understand the sadness.

Best wishes. I hope some of the suggestions on this thread help you