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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want MIL to move in when baby is born?

66 replies

Goodbee2052 · 05/09/2021 15:13

DH has told me he’d really love for his mum to move in after our baby is born, in December, to help me out. We’ve only spoken over video call and never met plus we don’t share a common language. I don’t think she’s very good with children either as I’ve seen her on video call holding a newborn baby once and she didn’t hold his head, she left his head swinging as she passed him to his mother.

OP posts:
crikey456 · 05/09/2021 15:38

Just tell him no.

It will be awful. I don't know anyone who has ever said they were glad their MIL stayed over after their baby was born.

Chotuladoo · 05/09/2021 15:44

Op don't let this happen!!!

Just deal with it diplomatically, I'm sure there's good intentions on both sides (mil wants to help etc)

But seriously game plan for some water tight reason why this cannot happen. And spell it out so that your dp is fully aware that this is not happening. I.e. "I want to nest and establish the bond with the baby at home just us 3. We can certainly Skype/facetime your mum to keep her involved, but you need to know I am not ok with her staying. As a new mum I need my space and privacy. I only get to do this once."

You and the baby come first xx

Ozanj · 05/09/2021 15:48

Use practical objections. She doesn’t speak english so she will need to be collected from the airport (how would quarantine work?) ferried about, would be useless in a true emergency, and won’t be able to dose up baby’s medications or read instructions so it would be double the work for both of you. There’s also the matter that if something happened to her your DH would need to pay for medical treatment in full - the NHS is becoming really strict about treatment for foreign nationals.

Munchyseeds · 05/09/2021 15:51

I wouldn't have wanted ANYONE to move in...let alone a MIL with a language barrier and probably a different culture
No way!
You need to sit down and explain that to him now before they get carried away

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2021 15:53

Use practical objections.

Nope. Use NO, it's a complete sentence. No debate necessary.

Cillmantain · 05/09/2021 15:54

How convenient for him.
Does he plan on doing nothing to help once she arrives.
I wouldn't have my own mother there never mind my MIL.

SpeckledyHen · 05/09/2021 15:56

Why? It doesn’t need 3 people to look after a new born baby ffs .

diddl · 05/09/2021 15:58

When he has a baby he can have who he wants to move in help.

Lots of new mums don't want anyone & if they did, they might not choose their MIL.

Won't he be there to help?

saraclara · 05/09/2021 15:59

"I will be bleeding, vulnerable, and exposing my breasts. I will likely be tearful at times, and anxious. There is no way I can have someone who is basically a stranger, with whom I am unable to communicate, staying in my home while I deal with the massive change in my life and my body. So this is a very firm no. I will not discuss this further"

sofakingcool · 05/09/2021 16:01

I'm guessing this is a cultural thing? It's traditional in my Ex's culture to have the women, in particular the grandmother, rally around the new mother in the early days.

It's not really the same in my culture, so when DS1 was born I was upset when having arrived home, went to bed for a rest and woke to find a lot of women in our flat having given DS his first bath SadAngry

gamerchick · 05/09/2021 16:01

Sounds like he wants to duck out of any duties and housework. Does he do his bit now?

Tell him that if he moves his mother in then you'll be moving out. Just to hammer the point home.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2021 16:04
  1. He said 'Move in' - not 'Come and stay for a couple of weeks'? He's not planning on her ever going home.
  1. If she lives in the UK, not a problem, but if she lives overseas, there could be a world of problems with immigrations, quarantining and suchlike, which could only be compounded by Covid outbreaks continuing through this winter.
WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 05/09/2021 16:23

Good god no. She can come for a visit surely but why on earth would she move in.

Nat3kids · 05/09/2021 16:27

Is your mum in law Nigerian by any chance? I think in their culture it is common for MILs to move in and ‘help’ (mine did, and all I can say is don’t do it!) Smile

cptartapp · 05/09/2021 16:31

Why does it have to be his DM? Can his DF not 'help you out'. Or radically, him!

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/09/2021 16:32

YANBU
And I know I am repeating other posters, but he should be expecting to share parenting of the newborn. It’s not “helping you out” like the baby is 100% your responsibility.

You need to talk to DH and be firm, and do it before tickets are booked. MIL can come for a visit when baby is a few months old...

Thatsplentyjack · 05/09/2021 16:34

NOT A FUCKING CHANCE. Would be my answer to that.

I'm sure he would love for his mummy to move in.

SukonthaM · 05/09/2021 16:37

Presumably you’ve told him no?

Chachachawoo · 05/09/2021 16:37

There was a really upsetting thread when a foreign mil moved in for an extended stay and then didn't leave. It seemed like it was the plan all along. The op was slowly realising that she had been duped and was losing her mind with a new baby and an unkind mil who did nothing except cry when anyone mentioned her going home. Husband of the op felt bad asking her to leave and op was struggling tremendously.
It was a terrible situation. Don't let it happen to you!
You have good logical reasons

  1. You've never met each other
  2. You can't communicate easily
  3. You want to be completely comfortable in your own home, possibly undressed to feed or whatever.
  4. Just no!
greenlynx · 05/09/2021 16:38

I suspect that the cultural element is involved. So I would sit him and tell him nicely and politely that no, you are against his mum moving in to help you with your baby. Keep it short and simple ( = easy for him to understand). You would make your life much easier if you tackle this ASAP.
And don’t ask him why he loves this idea because you don’t love it anyway.

Fashionesta · 05/09/2021 16:38

Why does he want her to move in to help out? Do you have other DC? Two fully competent adults should be able to look after a baby between them. Assume your husband is getting at least two weeks off at the start.

Personally I would find a stranger moving in more of a hindrance than a help. In the early days you just want to walk around in a haze, possibly with a tit hanging out, eating whatever you can get your hands on etc. Not worry about people in your house!

Your husband being keen on this proposition would have me worrying that he's not planning to pull his weight. Otherwise why do you need help?

diddl · 05/09/2021 16:41

Why would it be the man's choice & why would that choice be his own mum?

Skelator1 · 05/09/2021 16:42

Stand your ground op.
This sounds a disaster waiting to happen.
Newborn days are as hellish as they are lovely, you'll be a walking zombie whilst trying to recover, whilst trying to care for a baby.
An extra body in the house 24/7 is just going to cause stress.

NapoleonOzmolysis · 05/09/2021 16:44

Tell him she'll have to bunk in with your mum and see how he likes those apples.

Auntienumber8 · 05/09/2021 16:46

It will be a cultural thing, I’m not saying you should go along with it but please speak to your DH about how your going to raise your child together because you could both be on the road to a terrible marriage if you can’t compromise. Especially if religion is involved.