13dd is boy crazy and I need advice please!

[Manga123]

My dd 13 started talking about boys in year 7! ( she was 11) . She had a “ boyfriend “ for almost 4 ( they never really met outside school and only held hands twice) . Since they “ broke up “ she had a series of crushes and ended up asking few of the boys out, which they were flattered as she’s a very beautiful and confident girl.

She is very open about her feelings and talks to me about them ( thank god we keep the communication going) so I know everything what is going on in her “ love life”. She hadn’t kissed anyone yet ! ( which I’m quite happy about it) but keeps getting involved “romantically” with boys ( always starting as “ besties). They are from her school /form so I personally know them , they all very immature. I’m getting a bit worried as every month she is “dating “ someone who she is says she will in love with. We keep her busy with sports etc , but she seems to enjoy getting herself into dramatic situations which involves boys ( basically “ dating “ boys from the same circle of friends). One parent passed a comment the other day saying that oh she has a different boy every week!( apparently her friend mentioned it to the parent). I was a bit annoyed by the comment . I don’t want to shut down the great communication we have but at the same time I fear that she might develop a bad reputation ( sorry if I sound silly but just being very honest ) . But I’m also worried she is doing all this for attention and I wanted her to stop becoming emotionally involved with every boy that gives her a bit of attention. She then gets bored and moved to someone else! I’m Just looking for advice on how to deal with it , what is the best way to approach without putting a strain on our loving mother/daughter relationship and is her behaviour quite unusual for her age?

God it's scary. The other parent's comment was awful, how rude. I hate the way some people gossip about children, have a little respect fgs.

I think just keep her close, keep listening and make some firm rules about where she can go with boyfriend, are they allowed to be alone, door open to her bedroom etc. You're in this for a few years yet, might as well start as you mean to go on!

Oh and I don't think her behaviour is at all unusual.

I don't think that her behaviour is unusual, but it's important to keep the communication going. Particularly about consent and staying safe, but also about being strong, independent and not needing a boyfriend to be happy. Good luck!

I don't think this is unusual but I can see it would be a concern for you. I agree with 50Shades - start as you mean to go on!

Also agree with blubberball!

You’re being ridiculous. she isn’t doing anything - which is a lot less concerning then the girls I knew at 16.

I wouldn’t listen to any of the parents commenting on your child either. you know her best and you’re happy with the communication

do not try and broach this or you risk her feeling as if you’re judging her… which you are.

I was a fairly square teenager but I recall still feeling grown up and mature and of course we all read More magazine, cosmo etc. My point is, I was not as savvy as your daughter seems to be and with no boyfriends and still would have been doing inappropriate things (as did many girls of my age who did have boyfriends). I think you're being naive to imagine they've not even held hands.

Take about sex, birth control, consent, boundaries (her's and your's).

I had a different "boyfriend" every week at that age and the most we did was meet up for a snog somewhere. I certainly did not tell my parents any of this so it's great that she is open with you. By the next year I chilled out a bit, and didn't have sex until I was in sixth form college, so I shouldn't worry too much.

You you clarify what you mean the diffrence is betwen being Besties and 'romantically involved'' is- if they dont even hold hands never mind kiss.

To reassure you, I don't think it's unusual. My DD (17 now) was like this not long after she started secondary school. It seemed every week I heard 'I'm going out with blah blah now', but like your DD, nothing serious, just meeting up, handholding etc.
Like you, I have a good relationship with my DD so it's important to keep up the communication so she doesn't get too secretive. Echo what others have said, have a conversation about consent, boundaries, respecting herself etc so that she knows she can come to you if she has any concerns.
It didn't last long with my DD. She got fed up in the end as the novelty wore off and has only just got herself a 'proper' boyfriend at 17.

The only person you need to shut down is the parent who made that disgusting comment.

You're obviously doing a great job if she's telling you everything, so keep it that way. It's normal.

If you haven't had candid chats about sec yet, maybe start to weave them in. There's a woman called Kathleen Hema on YouTube/Instagram who posts great videos about how to have awkward sex chats with kids.

It’s not unusual to have crushes at that age (didn’t you??), but I’m not surprised you’re concerned about her being too emotionally involved and changing herself for a boy.

Explain about consent and peer pressure and that it’s best to say no, even if she thinks others will make fun of her. Good boyfriends (and even just friends) will not emotionally manipulate or embarrass you into doing things you are not comfortable with.

Put her on the pill! It might calm her down a bit.

I was like your dd at school, not a new boy each week but went through quite a few boyfriends - and in year 7 it was not even hanging out at break times so definitely nothing for my parents to worry over!

If you watch Bob's Burgers I was boy crazy like Tina Belcher with a long list of celebrity crushes etc. But in the end I lost my virginity at 16 to an older boy who I was with from 15 to about 18, and I met my husband at 19 (together 15 years now) so being boy crazy doesn't have to mean bad reputations and underage sex. My school friends were not like this, but I wasn't the only one in my year group either. As pp have said, the parent commenting should be embarrassed, your daughter is normal

EishetChayail

Wow. Put a 13 year on the 'pill to calm her down a bit'. Not funny. I suspect you are you friend's snide parent?

Call me old fashioned but a no boy in bedroom policy? At least till 16?! I grew up with this rule before anyone jumps down my throat!

This all sounds perfectly normal! I agree with casually chatting to her about consent and protection; although she hasn't kissed anyone yet, it could escalate quickly if she finds herself in that situation. In terms of keeping the communication open I'd try to not get suckered into drama but just say "oh, that sounds difficult" etc. Distractions and helping her do things with her friends sound good too.

Thank you so much for the replies. The “ boyfriends” visit our house with a group of friends and they stay either in the garden or living room. We have a rule about no boys in the bedrooms. She isn’t allowed in their houses. I agree the comment about the parent was awful ! I wished I said something now. We do talk about consent ,not needing a boy to be happy. I hear comments about how none of her friends have kissed yet ( only a hugs and occasionally holding hands in the park) so I’m not concerned about any sex or inappropriate behaviour ( yet). Gosh, the pill comment is a tad harsh ! Blimey .

Just be aware that it can become sexual very quickly especially if the other party is keen. I think you might be shocked by how sexualised young people are. Do you ever check her instagram or snapchat?

It sounds as though it's just a game to her really, playing at being in a "relationship". She likes the idea of it.

I agree, it's important she's aware of the dangers/ pitfalls of posting sexual things or pictures online.

Also remind her that friends should be treated respectfully (boys or girls). If she's "dating" a boy in her friendship group then dropping them because she's bored, then that's not a kind way to treat friends.

Apart from that, it sounds like fairly normal behaviour for a 13 year-old. You can humour her, listen to her but try not to get too involved in the drama of it.

As a parent to a 12 year old girl I think I’d be wanting to discuss more about self worth and confidence. And how valuing yourself is important. It sounds like she thinks there is a value to having a relationship status which is quite sad and even a little worrying from age 11. At that age I’d have been pushing that girls and boys can be friends without the labelling required of girlfriend and boyfriend. Friendship and social skills are more important and sadly she sounds like she already as a name for being into all the boys which is not true really but be kade her innocent interactions are being given a more adult interpretation which hasn’t been quashed by the actual adults around her sadly.

I think having lots of crushes is perfectly normal at that age, and part of healthy development. However, your dd sounds quite immature in many ways, so make sure that you have had lots of conversations around consent, protection, not feeling pressured to do anything that she doesn't want to do etc. I'd be concerned that she sounds like she would be easily taken advantage of because she seems to need a lot of attention and validation.

It's great that she is communicating with you so openly, so definitely try hard to preserve that - it will be invaluable.

It really isn’t unusual for a 13 year old to be “boy crazy”! Equally, it wouldn’t be if she wasn’t that interested yet. At least you and your daughter have what sounds like a really good relationship and she talks to you about stuff.

I never knew going on the pill would “calm someone down a bit” and make them want to date less