13dd is boy crazy and I need advice please!

[Manga123]

My dd 13 started talking about boys in year 7! ( she was 11) . She had a “ boyfriend “ for almost 4 ( they never really met outside school and only held hands twice) . Since they “ broke up “ she had a series of crushes and ended up asking few of the boys out, which they were flattered as she’s a very beautiful and confident girl.

She is very open about her feelings and talks to me about them ( thank god we keep the communication going) so I know everything what is going on in her “ love life”. She hadn’t kissed anyone yet ! ( which I’m quite happy about it) but keeps getting involved “romantically” with boys ( always starting as “ besties). They are from her school /form so I personally know them , they all very immature. I’m getting a bit worried as every month she is “dating “ someone who she is says she will in love with. We keep her busy with sports etc , but she seems to enjoy getting herself into dramatic situations which involves boys ( basically “ dating “ boys from the same circle of friends). One parent passed a comment the other day saying that oh she has a different boy every week!( apparently her friend mentioned it to the parent). I was a bit annoyed by the comment . I don’t want to shut down the great communication we have but at the same time I fear that she might develop a bad reputation ( sorry if I sound silly but just being very honest ) . But I’m also worried she is doing all this for attention and I wanted her to stop becoming emotionally involved with every boy that gives her a bit of attention. She then gets bored and moved to someone else! I’m Just looking for advice on how to deal with it , what is the best way to approach without putting a strain on our loving mother/daughter relationship and is her behaviour quite unusual for her age?

My dd13 is like this. Having been agonizingly tongue-tied around boys myself, I'm delighted for her. I think it's easier for girls not to be pushed into things they don't want when they know there are plenty of fish in the sea and they don't have to cling on to any particular boyfriend.

Ah - I wouldn’t worry too much. It sounds like it’s a way to add a bit of interest to life - some teens love a bit of drama, but their lives are in reality very dull. I honestly wouldn’t worry about ba reputations - this all sounds innocent and age appropriate. The other parent shouldn’t have said what they said but it may have just been a joke.

I think the two key things are keep the communication going and keep trying to open up her interest in life. What you want to avoid is all her focus and self esteem coming from attention from boys - how can you develop her passions and interests?

I was boy obsessed throughout my teenage years. Although it never lead to anything serious and I didn't have sex until I was 17, it took up an awful lot of headspace. I didn't do anywhere near as well at school as I should have done. If I were you, I'd be more concerned about that!

Perhaps a conversation about how she is going to see the same boys and girls every day for the next 3-5 years and that will be much more fun if they are all her good friends and not her ex-boyfriends so keep the friendships and avoid the drama

Is she going in to year 9? It's about now they realise it's not a good look to have a new boyfriend every other week and that they don't NEED a boyfriend to feel worth something.

Just a warning though, my DD is just going in to year 10 and some of the things year 9s got up to last year was quite a leap from just holding hands in year 8! I'm talking sex. Once one had done it there was a whole group who decided they were going to as well 😬

As above, but please also remind her to treat everyone with respect, including the boys. Nobody likes to be “replace” quickly and easily (not clear from your post if they are all playing the same game, or if some are more serious), and there is potential for serious hurt and drama.

@Manga123

Thank you so much for the replies. The “ boyfriends” visit our house with a group of friends and they stay either in the garden or living room. We have a rule about no boys in the bedrooms. She isn’t allowed in their houses. I agree the comment about the parent was awful ! I wished I said something now. We do talk about consent ,not needing a boy to be happy. I hear comments about how none of her friends have kissed yet ( only a hugs and occasionally holding hands in the park) so I’m not concerned about any sex or inappropriate behaviour ( yet). Gosh, the pill comment is a tad harsh ! Blimey .

I would watch this though. When I was in year 9 - so ages 13 to 14 - quite a few of the girls were already having sex and some with older people. I doubt their parents knew and probably also thought they only held hands. I myself had a bf at 14 who guilted me into oral I wasnt 100%happy with as he kept telling me how he had been having sex with his ex (true) and they'd been together over a year. This was normal state school. And I was what would be considered a bit of a square. High grades, academic, sporty too though but bit of teachers pet. Noone wouldve expected that from me. And I had a great relationship with my mum and told her when i did have sex etc when I just turned 16 (waited but was doing bits before that). However no I absolutely didn't tell her about every kiss and definitely didn't tell her about what happened at 14 etc

@sparepantsandtoothbrush

Is she going in to year 9? It's about now they realise it's not a good look to have a new boyfriend every other week and that they don't NEED a boyfriend to feel worth something.

Just a warning though, my DD is just going in to year 10 and some of the things year 9s got up to last year was quite a leap from just holding hands in year 8! I'm talking sex. Once one had done it there was a whole group who decided they were going to as well 😬

Absolutely this. And I went to an all girls school, was in loads of clubs every evening and had no bf in bedrooms at home policy :/

Wow - ‘boy crazy’… ‘bad reputation’ @Manga123 you need to ditch your internalised misogyny. YABVU.
So your DD has crushes and has asked a few boys out but never kissed … sounds pretty innocent and age appropriate. The language she(you?) is using makes it sound more than it really is - romance, dating, etc but it’s just simple boy/girl friendship. I’m guessing she doesn’t have a DB so hasn’t got the language to relate to a boy as a friend rather than a boyfriend. I would encourage her to recognise she can be close to boys without romance and drama, that having friends of the opposite sex is a real sign of maturity.
And tell the other parent to fuck off with their sexualising of an innocent young teen.

I have a DD who is about to start year 10 and this sounds like a lot of what she describes happening at school with some children. She says two things: one, they're usually doing a whole lot more than they're admitting to parents ; two, it really affects their school work in some cases. I think I'd be concerned with making sure she was as knowledgeable as possible about consent and contraception and ensuring she was spending enough time on actual school work.

It’s not norm for my teen dd and friends. The bits that would concern me are loving the drama and always needing a ‘boyfriend’
I’d think low self esteem. What’s her experience of relationships in real life - does she think that’s the norm - constantly breaking up, dating his mate to get him jealous etc. Is she watching a lot of soaps/love island etc.
I’d be chatting to her - watching teen films together is often a good way to bring up things.

I dont think its exactly "unusual" ,but not that common either ! Try to keep your communication together going. I think these days Teens can get into difficult situations if they are not careful. Maybe allow the boys back to your house (not in bedrooms obv!) and make sure you know where she is at all times. Youngsters grow up fairly quickly and you need to keep your eye on the ball!

Thank you so much for your reply and for giving me a different perspective. Maybe I’m just really expressing my own prejudices and need to work on it. She’s overall a good kid, we get some teen tantrums but nothing major. Also I made clear that snap chat and Instagram only when she’s older. Too much distraction as it is. I’m more concerned about the drama she seems to enjoy a bit too much when the whole getting together/breaking up circus happens . So I was looking for advice on how to approach it from a different perspective than my own .

I think it's probably fine - lots of young women are like this, but she's got an open and honest relationship with you so you're more aware of it than other parents would be.

You're doing all the right stuff - lots of clubs and activities, lots of communication. I'd suggest that you try to keep that going as much as possible, and maybe try to gently push the importance of strong platonic relationships in your life. Watch some films about friendships, buy her some YA books which are about platonic relationships etc.

There is no need to 'put her on the pill' unless she's having sex, and adding a big extra dose of hormones to this situation is laughable.

I would also add, on the sex stuff, that trying to keep boys out of her bedroom or away from her won't work. I went to an all girls Catholic boarding school, and most of the girls I knew weren't allowed boys in their bedrooms. So people had sex in the park, or in hotel rooms, or in someone else's car, or at parties, in bathrooms - the list goes on and on.

If you want to stop your child from having sex the only emotionally healthy way to do it is to try and convince them that they're likely to have a more meaningful and gratifying experience if they're older. But if she does have sex with the wrong person, too young, she's not going to somehow be changed or devalued as a person.

The sexually risky behaviour I saw as a teen was mostly from girls who felt like they'd 'lost' their virginity, were therefore 'sluts' so might as well take loads of risks. We need to teach girls that sex should be fun, safe and consensual, and that even if you've had some bad, sad sex before you should expect it to get better.

@LittleGwyneth

I would also add, on the sex stuff, that trying to keep boys out of her bedroom or away from her won't work. I went to an all girls Catholic boarding school, and most of the girls I knew weren't allowed boys in their bedrooms. So people had sex in the park, or in hotel rooms, or in someone else's car, or at parties, in bathrooms - the list goes on and on.

If you want to stop your child from having sex the only emotionally healthy way to do it is to try and convince them that they're likely to have a more meaningful and gratifying experience if they're older. But if she does have sex with the wrong person, too young, she's not going to somehow be changed or devalued as a person.

The sexually risky behaviour I saw as a teen was mostly from girls who felt like they'd 'lost' their virginity, were therefore 'sluts' so might as well take loads of risks. We need to teach girls that sex should be fun, safe and consensual, and that even if you've had some bad, sad sex before you should expect it to get better.

Love this last paragraph.

@LittleGwyneth

I would also add, on the sex stuff, that trying to keep boys out of her bedroom or away from her won't work. I went to an all girls Catholic boarding school, and most of the girls I knew weren't allowed boys in their bedrooms. So people had sex in the park, or in hotel rooms, or in someone else's car, or at parties, in bathrooms - the list goes on and on.

If you want to stop your child from having sex the only emotionally healthy way to do it is to try and convince them that they're likely to have a more meaningful and gratifying experience if they're older. But if she does have sex with the wrong person, too young, she's not going to somehow be changed or devalued as a person.

The sexually risky behaviour I saw as a teen was mostly from girls who felt like they'd 'lost' their virginity, were therefore 'sluts' so might as well take loads of risks. We need to teach girls that sex should be fun, safe and consensual, and that even if you've had some bad, sad sex before you should expect it to get better.

Well said.

I don't think this is hugely unusual for this age group - I had friends who were snogging their boyfriend du jour round the back of the school canteen in front of a crowd (it was the done thing, v weird) at this age, so she seems reasonably innocent still by comparison.

She's experiencing her first proper crushes and trying out the concept of relationships (which seem very grown up and therefore exciting - think of kids playing dress up with their parents' clothes!).

Keep talking to her, instill good self worth, talk honestly about sex and how it's supposed to be fun and something you do because you want to, but also that it can come with a new set of emotions. You can't stop her having sex altogether (although hopefully it won't be an issue for a few years) but you can give her the best tools to make a decision.

Does sound weird OP. She sounds obsessive.

The seeking of dramas is worrying. She is craving the adrenaline rush. The chase, the heart racing. But what will that lead to as she gets older?1