Demanding playdates

[AngryAngel]

My 7yo almost 8yo kid gets on great with her (3 houses) neighbours kids. They have great garden equipment and for her, are the current buzz, not least because our after school activities have not yet kicked in. The neighbours are nice and they are lovely kids. One of them is a couple of years younger just turned 6, another same age, only likes /can handle supervised parent interactive play, the other is almost 10 and only opts in when he is enjoying it. Understandable to me and perfectly in keeping. The neighbours with the child who must-have-interactive play have started suggesting that I start doing some interactive/parent participation playdates after school and at weekends to reciprocate their involvement with their kid and playmates. I have several older kids who have different but very strong requirements and I have loads of other commitments, and I don’t feel I should have to spell these out to say “um, no sorry. Kids welcome to come and play, but I am not going to drive them to such and such a place, or push swings and such and such a place. Or hover around by back garden.” My child can play independently, thankfully, but it seems these kids cannot, or at least their parents do not. The neighbour with the older (by 1 year) is apparently exempt because they don’t get back home until after 6:30 and he only opts in occasionally and he is seen as significantly older (?!) . I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want to take my kid out of this friendship group because it makes her happy. But wtf do I do to so I can get these neighbours to back off without hurting their feelings? I genuinely thought this type of playdate pressure tailed off when they were about 4. Sorry if this sounds churlish. My other real life stuff is leaving me absolutely exhausted!

Just say as yours is older your now thankfully past that stage of interactive play dates.. and smile.

Although, do you think they are fed up with your child going over.

YANBU. Just re-iterate that you’re happy for the kid/s to come to yours for a play date but that won’t be able to take them out. Don’t give reasons/explanations. Don’t apologise.

You either reciprocate by having the 6 year old at yours - but go about your business or at most sit in the garden or the same room, going about your business.
Or your child stops going over there, as clearly they feel it is all one-sided, whether they have decent play equipment or not.
They cannot force trips - if they are going the extra mile, bully for them - but they can expect playdates not to be at theirs the whole time.
Alternatively, yours play in the street/park, like we used to do in the old days, and whoever wants to go along or play unsupervised does so.

Sorry, just asking the set-up again
Yours is 8
3 doors down with decent play stuff is a 6 year old and another house has a 10 year old
6 year old is clingy
10 year old is indifferent
All three play at the 6 year old's house and she is now asking for a change of venue?

Just invite the 6 year old over occasionally. Surely she would happily play unsupervised with your child in their room? Are they asking you and your child to join them on trips out, or are they asking you to take their child out? If it’s the former then they are just being friendly, and if it’s the latter then it sounds as if they think you are taking advantage!

"Ah, Annabelle is always welcome here"

It might depend a bit on how much time your children spend hanging out on the neighbours' fantastic garden equipment. If they're always over there, then could it be more about that?

One of them is a couple of years younger just turned 6, another same age, only likes /can handle supervised parent interactive play, the other is almost 10 and only opts in when he is enjoying it.

OP: nearly 8 yo
Neighbour 1: 6yo, no issues
Neighbour 2: 6yo, “interactive play”
Neighbour 3: 10yo, occasionally joins

Not clear who has great garden equipment. All?

Is that right?

No you don’t need to supervise if you don’t want to, but make sure you aren’t taking the piss with other parents/gardens and yours going round.

Just have kids round and ignore them? That’s what I always did. Make sure they are safe and fed/ checked as needed but that’s it. They don’t come back if they dislike it, or develop the play skills.
We knew one family like this, played lego/ games and generally super planned play dates. The kids adapted here as ignored and seemed happy easily enough. The mum had an issue with it, but I stopped inviting her in. No harm came to the kids and no one was upset.

Also is there a "thing" about your house - you have a den in the garden, you give them ice-cream or popcorn, there's a badminton set or games console or karaoke machine, or they're allowed to make a mess? Their house has parent participation and the garden stuff, that's their thing, it doesn't have to be yours.

@Freddiefox

Although, do you think they are fed up with your child going over.

This is a fair point. And could start a needed conversation, thank you.

I have always offered our place as a place to hang out, but one of the children seems to (or his carers) require interactive playdate care from an adult. Organisiation & direction. It is all they are used to and expect everybody else to kick in and do the same. I have other children and am used to the stage where they don't need the constant attention. The parents of the younger child get this, I think.

@TheViewFromTheCheapSeats

Just have kids round and ignore them? That’s what I always did. Make sure they are safe and fed/ checked as needed but that’s it. They don’t come back if they dislike it, or develop the play skills. We knew one family like this, played lego/ games and generally super planned play dates. The kids adapted here as ignored and seemed happy easily enough. The mum had an issue with it, but I stopped inviting her in. No harm came to the kids and no one was upset.

Yes, this. I WANT to have the kids around and ignore them whilst also being super vigilant and making sure they aren't doing something really dangerous and stupid. I genuinely appreciated the ignored but caring (and very much lower level) watching approach as a kid myself aged 5-18 (!). I don't get the hovering thing. It is just that this kid seems to need it somehow. Or at least I am told he does. But if my kid likes hanging out with him, does that make it my job?

Just have them round and don't join in. One of my daughters friends is like this. I send them out to the garden and she keep coming back in "excuse me, would you like to see my new wellies" or "excuse me, DD is going on the slide head first" I just say OK and send her back outside. She won't be getting one to one constant attention at school so must be able to cope without it.

Sounds like they want someone else to host the kids as they may be spending too much time at theirs?! Maybe? If so, tell them to come to yours on certain days, so you know its fair. But I wouldn't start taking them out for activities! I'd show them the garden, and provide snacks. Any problems, come and find me!

I have nothing whatsoever to do with managing my kids (5 and 8) playdates outside of feeding/hydrating. If it starts raining suddenly, I've a large box of playdough tools and dough tubs that I'll let them at on condition that it's all cleaned up afterwards. The tools seem to hold the attention of older kids too.

Yup. Invite them round to yours. She’ll either like it and want to come again, or she won’t.

“She’s welcome at ours, it’s definitely my turn…..but be warned, I watch out but I don’t lead or join in I’m too busy. It’s free play at our house!”

Just say they're welcome here, have them over, ignore them (nicely) and see what happens. The parents can't dictate you do activities, if the child goes home and says X's mum didn't play with us cross that bridge when they comment to you. I can't see an issue as long you to don't allow them to come to harm. You never know though he might like being left to just play!

Perhaps reduce the times your DD goes to theirs for a bit.

I have been in a similar situation, but the pressure to reciprocate has come from inside me not from other parents. Similar in that there are 3 households, and one (not mine) has great play equipment.

I would say that keeping things balanced as to whose house the kid gang plays at is important. They are clearly more vigilant in their parenting style, which is fine at their house. Of course they don’t get to dictate your style at your house. But other than the 10yo, it would be unusual around my circles not to supervise/direct a bit when they play at my house. And also common to make a point of inviting the other kids around for a more guided activity, to keep the balance.

I’d set up a few ‘loose’ activities in nice weather, or make a few suggestions, and def an more directed activity or game for indoors weather. Even if it’s just setting up a speaker and playlist for them to do crazy dancing to. Or pulling out the popcorn machine with different bowls of flavourings. Then I’d leave them to it, with clear instructions for cleaning up, etc.

In my view, it’s very unlikely that 3 households will all share the ‘free play is the way’ ideology. So you do need to keep an eye on the balance of ‘whose house’. If you don’t err on the side of inviting/offering you almost certainly will find that you’ve built resentment in others. By the time they let you know it, it’s a problem. Frankly, I’ll do almost anything to avoid those conversations and hurt feelings (and having to try and keep my kid home!).

I’ve had to put myself out a few times, arranging play dates at mine, just to be fair. I hate the mess, the noise and the constant demands for attention. But it’s the price of having my kid ‘out of my hair’ at other times. I splash a little cash with craft kits, sport equipment (hula hoops, etc) so that the neighbour kids report back they had fun. Often they go home with a skill or a craft. I find that one play date like that buys me about 3-4 longer ‘free play’ play dates at theirs. Extra points if you feed them, and send something back for the parents . It’s my insurance policy, and it works.

I won’t take the kid gang out, other than the local park, but in order to stick with that policy (which is entirely for my own convenience) I know I have to make up for it in other ways.

The idea that the kids just all entertain themselves like in the 1970’s, or that all the parents will have the same ‘live and let live’ attitude is just a bit pie-in-the-sky for me. Your kid (like mine) can play alone or without set activities, but is choosing to hang with the gang. So you have to play by gang rules, I’m afraid, or prevent yours from going over.

My 5yp would be very unimpressed if I interfered in her play dates. I’ve done the odd bit of baking with them but it’s much more normal for them to just crack on. This has been replicated at the houses I went to. I think the other parents would be well out of the norm here if asking for more parental interaction.

But you should definitely have them over if they’ve spent loads of time at the neighbours. Still not 100% clear if they’ve just been at the other house all the time.

Hmm. I couldn't be doing with that either . I had the big popular garden so I spent a lot of time "minding" and feeding other people's kids. Other people took them all to theme parks etc.

I do think you need to reciprocate in some way, but not necessarily by doing the same things. Very odd that they've told you this though.

Could you do "bigger" but less frequent events? Start organising something for Halloween (or Christmas) now, that way your "bit" is done for the next couple of months?

That’s quite demanding of them. I’m interested how they phrase this to you?
TBH I’d be up for taking my fair share if hosting the kids, but planning interactive play - no way. The benefit (pay off?) of having a load of kids around, is that they entertain themselves, surely?