Demanding playdates

[AngryAngel]

My 7yo almost 8yo kid gets on great with her (3 houses) neighbours kids. They have great garden equipment and for her, are the current buzz, not least because our after school activities have not yet kicked in. The neighbours are nice and they are lovely kids. One of them is a couple of years younger just turned 6, another same age, only likes /can handle supervised parent interactive play, the other is almost 10 and only opts in when he is enjoying it. Understandable to me and perfectly in keeping. The neighbours with the child who must-have-interactive play have started suggesting that I start doing some interactive/parent participation playdates after school and at weekends to reciprocate their involvement with their kid and playmates. I have several older kids who have different but very strong requirements and I have loads of other commitments, and I don’t feel I should have to spell these out to say “um, no sorry. Kids welcome to come and play, but I am not going to drive them to such and such a place, or push swings and such and such a place. Or hover around by back garden.” My child can play independently, thankfully, but it seems these kids cannot, or at least their parents do not. The neighbour with the older (by 1 year) is apparently exempt because they don’t get back home until after 6:30 and he only opts in occasionally and he is seen as significantly older (?!) . I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want to take my kid out of this friendship group because it makes her happy. But wtf do I do to so I can get these neighbours to back off without hurting their feelings? I genuinely thought this type of playdate pressure tailed off when they were about 4. Sorry if this sounds churlish. My other real life stuff is leaving me absolutely exhausted!

I think you do need to reciprocate having the DC all round at yours but don't change your style of supervision. 6 is old enough to play without adults especially with older children. She might come looking for you like a wee lost lamb a couple of times but she'll either enjoy being left to her own devices or she'll hate it and decide she doesn't want to come. You don't need to go out anywhere or make huge big plans.

Tell them your hands-off style reflects your deeply felt beliefs and parenting philosophy. You hope they can respect this.

Obviously make sure your DC isn't wearing them out though!

Hmm sounds like they are sick of always having the kids at theres but they can’t dictate how you do play dates.

I would say ‘oh Tabitha is welcome any time to ours to play with Lottie’ the important word being play.

Non-reciprocal parents were my absolute bugbear. If you don't want to give it back, don't keep allowing your child to go over there. The child demanding adult participation is just an excuse. All you need to say is 'that's not how we do play dates here, but you are welcome to come round and play with DD.'

Do your bit!

@Ionlydomassiveones

Yep. Those children. The ones who don’t know how to just play because they’ve been pandered to their entire ‘structured’ life by some idiot parent who lives in fear that they may be permanently damaged being bored for 5 fucking minutes.

For me, the rule was that if the child was hard work they wouldn’t be invited back. And all the mums knew it was a benign neglect situation - fed, safe but largely left to it. That’s the whole bloody point of play dates!

Haha! I completely agree!

I have a friend with DD9 and DD8, from the things she has said, her DDs have never played a minute on their own in their lives. They seem to lurch from adult-led activity, to adult-led activity, and my friend is constantly setting up these activities and sitting with them while the kids to them.
Honestly, I can count on 10 fingers or less, the number of times either of my parents actually PLAYED with me. And if they did it would be a board game or a card game. Something with a fixed end-point.

To me, the whole thing seems like the other parents are trying to give you a coded message...

Your DD plays round the other kid's (the one with the good equipment, who can't play alone) house way too much. The parents would like you to reciprocate the invitation.

If they've got to the stage of asking you to reciprocate, you know you've been taking the piss, surely?
If you don't want to, fair enough, but you need to stop sending your kid round to theirs.

They have great garden equipment stands out in your op, actually.

It's not a community resource... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you sure the parents want you to join in the play? Sounds like they just want you to take your turn hosting!

I'd just invite them around. Most kids are different away from their parents and the child may not need/ want another adult playing with them.

I’m afraid I’m another one who thinks the other parents are asking you to reciprocate and offer to have their kids round…

It sounds like your child is very demanding. They need you to supervise them.more

I also think it’s more likely that they’re hinting that you should reciprocate. Which you should.

I agree that the idea of participating in the kids’ play sounds about as appealing as sticking pins in your eyes, but could you compromise and set up a few very vague activities that look as if you’ve made an effort without you having to sit down and actually do the interaction bit?

ie

• put some scrap paper and pencils/crayons for colouring on the kitchen table
• set out a picnic rug and big box of Lego on the lounge floor, suggest a theme (make a model of a robot or whatever) and leave them to it
• buy some cheap biscuits or gingerbread men and some icing tubes, tell them they’re going to make their own puddings

Etc etc etc

Stuff that makes it look like you’ve thought about it but can actually be done more or less independently whilst you crack on.

I have often offered and hosted playdates with all the children involved, individually and in groups. There is no problem whatsoever, but one of the kids (let's say child A) very quickly gets skittish unless there is an adult (preferably one of his usual adults) present. And inevitably, all kids ask to return to his house so they are all more comfortable and are parent led by a very exciting activity (child centred organised activity/trip to play centre/skate park/play park), or to the other child's house because it has the great play equipment and closer to child A's house.I am of the opinion that Child A finds it difficult to just "play" unless there is an adult present. Child A also is used to family saying "okay, let's do that" when he wants to do something, even if it interferes with their plans. Family of child A thinks this is perfectly normal. I don't. I have been holding out hoping that they just grow out of it, but it is like the family are reinforcing it and making it something that I am doing wrong.

Maybe when this child wants to walk out on a play date at yours because it's not exciting enough; don't send your child home with them?
The parents must be a bit at always having the whole thing transferred to theirs without a by your leave.

@GreyhoundG1rl

Maybe when this child wants to walk out on a play date at yours because it's not exciting enough; don't send your child home with them? The parents must be a bit at always having the whole thing transferred to theirs without a by your leave.

I have tried this too, to much fury from all children involved. Bear in mind this has only been happening for the last couple of months so we are all testing our boundaries. And now school has started, well that's another level. I have repeatedly said send my kid back whenever. And I am increasingly saying just "NO" when they insist on my kid joining them.

Can’t you just say ‘I would but child A doesn’t really seem to enjoy it at my house’ that’s the truth isn’t it?

I'm another who suspects they are tactfully trying to balance things out a bit. You need to give them some space from having your child over there, despite how furious the children might be about this.

I think it sounds like too much like hard work.

You need to have their child over on YOUR terms.
If the child wants to return home, let them, but ON THEIR OWN.

Explain to your child that they may need to stay home for a bit.

Offer to do your bit and then leave it.

Hinting that the play dates be reciprocal is one thing, dictating what should occur on your playdates is CF territory and should not be entertained.

Be less available.

Alternatively, yours play in the street/park, like we used to do in the old days, and whoever wants to go along or play unsupervised does so

We did not have indulgences like "play dates" or "soft play" when I was a kid or helecopter parents hovering around. Children had their friends in to play in the house or garden or most often simply in the street. Admittedly there were fewer private cars around then so much safer. We still managed to grow up into strong independent adults - indeed our generation (the so caller Boomers) are renowned for it.

Why are children now so over parented, cosseted and ferried everywhere? No wonder we have so many little princes and princesses.

Hinting that the play dates be reciprocal is one thing, dictating what should occur on your playdates is CF territory and should not be entertained.
Maybe they're just pissed off that the instant their child deems the play date boring and wants to leave, the whole thing is transferred back to their house, lock stock and barrel?
Op really shouldn't send her child along when this happens, it's outrageously rude.

Problem is, if you establish the mode as “kids pick the best house” then you need to do something to get your house in the thing more. That could be adult attention. It clearly could be garden equipment! But you can’t just say “the kids all prefer your house(s) so I am not bothering”.

Alternatively, you as a group of adults agree that it isn’t all “free choice” about where the kids play, and some of the time they have to play at yours to your rules and methods. Then you can do what you like (total free play) and if Child A goes home because he/she doesn’t like it then that’s fine.

I think you need to work out which world you are in and then either suck up providing a bit more active fun to compensate for all the stuff the other houses are offering, or get much more involved in ensuring that the child-chosen equilibrium isn’t “all the time at theirs, none of the time at yours” as that isn’t really fair.

You really should keep your 7 year old at home if their guest is leaving to go home. I’d be quite miffed in the neighbour’s place. It’s really cheeky of you.

If the guests choose to leave that’s fine, but they are less likely to choose to leave if your child isn’t allowed to go too. Ride out their “fury”.

@Hikingforscenery

You really should keep your 7 year old at home if their guest is leaving to go home. I’d be quite miffed in the neighbour’s place. It’s really cheeky of you.

I agree with this completely.

Your child should not be following the other child home.

That is rude.

However, you dictate what happens in your home.

Years ago I had one small child over aged about 5/6 after school for and hour or so before a later pick up.

The idea was they would have a little free play.

But she wanted to do crafting...gluing and painting.

They were in their uniforms and I explained unfortunately not.

Well she was going on and on that her mother would let her do, why wouldn't I.

I was firm but I was not impressed at ALL.

When her mother collected her I said everything was fine but I thought she might be a bit disappointed with the playdate as she was very insistent that she want a session of crafting.
Her mother said oh really! Gosh she does like her own way🙄.

I didn't have her over again.
Too much like hard work.
With 4 children, playdates had to be fun and easy or they didn't happen.

I did a lot of playdates with groups of up to 4-6 coming home and in fairness the overwhelming majority were were feeding and watering as they played.