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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriends relationship with female family friend

46 replies

missunderstoodd · 04/09/2021 19:47

Wanting to share some things I haven’t shared with others and get another perspective.

My boyfriend has a female family friend that meets up with him now and then that he has known for a while.

I’ve not had an issue with their relationship and he always refers to her as his sister but since seeing a video of her on his lap on another friend SM shaping his beard (which he never lets me do and she is not qualified to do) I just feel like that crossed the line.

⁃	With others and her he is ready to meet at the click of his fingers. He has even left me to meet her before when we have made evening plans. With me he takes hours to leave where he is and tells me a time and just leaves me waiting 
⁃	He will go to restaurants with no notice with her and others and with me he make it seem like a chore or would rather order in a takeaway. Today they went to a restaurant and he didn’t tell me till after (we planned to go on a date today)
⁃	When it comes to our dates he always seems to want to invite others. One time we planned a date and asked her if she wants to come!?
⁃	He will go out drinking with friends and when he eventually meets me he’s just hung over and falling asleep

When I tell him how these make me feel he just complains at me and makes it seem like I haven’t got a point. Am I being unreasonable?

Ps. We are early/mid 20s and I’m pregnant

OP posts:
Anotherhill · 04/09/2021 19:49

How pregnant are you?

Sparklesocks · 04/09/2021 19:50

I’m sorry to say it doesn’t look good OP. Having a close female friend is not a red flag in itself but dropping you to see her and inviting other people to your dates/alone time is. How long have you been together?

YoComoManzanas · 04/09/2021 19:52

I'm sorry. He's in love with her. Make plans to raise baby alone. Flowers

girlmom21 · 04/09/2021 19:53

You clearly don't trust their relationship. You're not ok with it.

This isn't about how he treats her. It's about how he treats you. By all accounts, his treatment of you is pretty bad!

Annoyedanddissapointed · 04/09/2021 19:53

It's not her that's a problem. You say he does all these things with others, eg leaving you waiting, going out as a spur of a moment and leaving you alone.
I wouldn't tolerate that latter things

Lockheart · 04/09/2021 19:53

I think you're fixating on one of his friends too much. It sounds like he hangs out with a whole group that he prioritises over you.

You can't change him, OP. The only thing you can control is what you do.

SisterMonicaJoansHabit · 04/09/2021 19:54

This is all shades of wrong. I was going to chuck you an LTB but you're pregnant... I still think the LTB stands, because it's either now, or a few years down the line. I'm sorry.

It doesn't sound like he's mature enough to listen to what you're saying to him, he's definitely not mature enough to not behave like a teenager with his mates.

I'm one of the "men and women can be close friends and it doesn't mean anything" brigade but she sounds like my partner's ex best friend. All over her guy friends and more than just pushing boundaries with them, whether the friends are single or not.

SameToo · 04/09/2021 19:55

How long have you been together?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 04/09/2021 19:55

Oh dear.
You are very low on his list of priorities.
Don't fool yourself that you'll become higher when the baby is born.
He'll still put you last only now you'll have an infant to take care of.

You need to ask yourself if this is really the life you want. You don't have to stay with someone who doesn't act as though he gives a shit about you.

Original poster
missunderstoodd · 04/09/2021 19:55

@Anotherhill 15 weeks gone

OP posts:
Original poster
missunderstoodd · 04/09/2021 19:56

@Sparklesocks

I’m sorry to say it doesn’t look good OP. Having a close female friend is not a red flag in itself but dropping you to see her and inviting other people to your dates/alone time is. How long have you been together?
@Sparklesocks we have been together for 4 years and was friends for 3 years prior
OP posts:
Xmassprout · 04/09/2021 19:57

I don't thw she is the issue. I think the issue is that he isn't that into you.

You don't have to tolerate this even though you're carrying his baby

Daisydrum · 04/09/2021 19:57

Do you live together?

Milkbottlelegs · 04/09/2021 20:00

Has he always been like this or just since you became pregnant? Was it planned? Do you live together?

Looubylou · 04/09/2021 20:03

It may be easier for your child if they start life with a dad who lives separately, and a happier mum, rather than one who leaves a few years later. 💐

esloquehay · 04/09/2021 20:06

SHE is not the problem. HE treats you like shit. Therein lies the problem.
Having a baby is only going to exacerbate matters.
😞💚

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 04/09/2021 20:08

It's not about her. He just isn't that into you.

I'm sorry.

spongedog · 04/09/2021 20:08

I wouldnt have a child with this man. Obviously you havent stated how pregnant you are, but if not many weeks, I would consider a termination.

spongedog · 04/09/2021 20:09

@spongedog

I wouldnt have a child with this man. Obviously you havent stated how pregnant you are, but if not many weeks, I would consider a termination.
OK, I Have now seen more posts including your 15 weeks. I would prepare to parent alone.
RickJames · 04/09/2021 20:11

I have a male friend that I've had for 40 years, thats basically our entire lives. We are very emotionally involved with each other, as if we were family. We have never put our friendship over our primary relationships, ever.

Everytime its caused an issue (unfounded randomness jealousy) we've dialled it down to fit in with our partners. Because we know its a bit wierd and codependent. We really don't want to shag each other but we are horribly codependent and we just want to be nice healthy friends. Not easy with our backgrounds! So we give each other loads of space and respect but still honour our bond. We always put partners first.

Your boyfriend isn't even trying. Not good enough. Dump or face years of hassle and you being the mad, unreasonable one.

I mean, come on, you're pregnant. Fuck him right off and enjoy your motherhood. You can do this love xxx

Oogachuckachopsy · 04/09/2021 20:18

Oh god, the last bit made my stomach drop 😞

Siameasy · 04/09/2021 20:22

Get rid of him

seriouslystressedoutmama · 04/09/2021 20:25

Sounds like he's not ready to be a dad. God help you, not a nice way to treat anyone. But seems like he's treating you and this pregnancy as a chore

londonrach · 04/09/2021 20:28

Is the baby his. He doesn't seem very committed. If his I hope I'm wrong but sounds like he won't be around. He has feelings for this other lady. You worth more than that! Do you have family and friends that could support you x

MsPavlichenko · 04/09/2021 20:29

He’s showing you who he is and how he plans to behave. Regardless of what his relationship with his friend is he is treating you like shit. Whilst you are pregnant. It won’t get better.

My advice would be to leave now. Otherwise you’ll be writing this post in five or ten years but you’ll be stuck at home with kids then.

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