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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends relationship with female family friend

46 replies

missunderstoodd · 04/09/2021 19:47

Wanting to share some things I haven’t shared with others and get another perspective.

My boyfriend has a female family friend that meets up with him now and then that he has known for a while.

I’ve not had an issue with their relationship and he always refers to her as his sister but since seeing a video of her on his lap on another friend SM shaping his beard (which he never lets me do and she is not qualified to do) I just feel like that crossed the line.

⁃	With others and her he is ready to meet at the click of his fingers. He has even left me to meet her before when we have made evening plans. With me he takes hours to leave where he is and tells me a time and just leaves me waiting 
⁃	He will go to restaurants with no notice with her and others and with me he make it seem like a chore or would rather order in a takeaway. Today they went to a restaurant and he didn’t tell me till after (we planned to go on a date today)
⁃	When it comes to our dates he always seems to want to invite others. One time we planned a date and asked her if she wants to come!?
⁃	He will go out drinking with friends and when he eventually meets me he’s just hung over and falling asleep

When I tell him how these make me feel he just complains at me and makes it seem like I haven’t got a point. Am I being unreasonable?

Ps. We are early/mid 20s and I’m pregnant

OP posts:

DrManhattan · 04/09/2021 20:30

Oh no. Feel bad for you, esp. with being pregnant to the loser. He's treating you like shit. I would have a serious discussion and tell him you are leaving. He's not gonna change, you will just come across as the villain. Xxx

FatLarrysBand · 04/09/2021 20:31

Good Lord. Awful situation. I agree, I'm afraid, that whether he's in love with her or not, he's not invested in this relationship, which is particularly horrifying given that you're pregnant.

If you're mid twenties, you've got loads of time to find a decent bloke. But concentrate on your baby for now.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2021 20:32

Sadly, you have ignored very serious issues for a very long time. This relationship is not going to go the distance, and I would prepare to be a single parent if I were you.

Cryalot2 · 04/09/2021 20:37

How did he feel about the baby?
You need a chat. Speak to some other friends to see what they think.
He needs to be honest with you.
Good wishes

Merryoldgoat · 04/09/2021 20:38

This is a bloody disaster to be bringing a baby into.

If I were you I’d split now and establish your own life without him so it’s not muddied by a baby.

But you won’t.

You’ll cling on until you catch him fucking her and then believe whatever shit he feeds you.

I suspect he’s been holding a torch for her for ages.

Chickychoccyegg · 05/09/2021 17:53

Oh dear, not good,and now you're pregnant in an unhealthy relationship, where your bf isn't very invested in the relationship, you need to move on now, prepare to be a single parent, you'll be so much happier.
Do you live together? If so, chuck him out, if not, good, nice and simple to split!!
Good luck!!

lastqueenofscotland · 05/09/2021 17:56

I’ve no issue with friends of the opposite sex (DPs best friend is a woman, my best friend is a man)
But sodding off to meet her when I had made evening plans?! Absolutely fucking no.

Newkitchen123 · 05/09/2021 17:58

Female friend or not he doesn't treat you well.

Copium · 05/09/2021 18:01

@Merryoldgoat

This is a bloody disaster to be bringing a baby into.

If I were you I’d split now and establish your own life without him so it’s not muddied by a baby.

But you won’t.

You’ll cling on until you catch him fucking her and then believe whatever shit he feeds you.

I suspect he’s been holding a torch for her for ages.

That’s really not a nice thing to say to a 15 weeks pregnant women. Telling her it’s a disaster and she should abort so her life isn’t “muddied” by a baby.

Then being sneering and judgemental towards her just because of your own assumptions.

Being a single mum isn’t necessarily a “disaster”. Many women cope just fine and some actively chose single motherhood.

a8mint · 05/09/2021 18:05

That’s really not a nice thing to say to a 15 weeks pregnant women. Telling her it’s a disaster and she should abort so her life isn’t “muddied” by a baby.

That isn't what she said at all!

3scape · 05/09/2021 18:05

He clearly isn't giving you any priority in his life. Whatever else he might or might not want/ get is a side issue. He's not invested in the relationship and you will be better off without his constant letting you down.
I think he wants her, but she's not that fussed from what you've said. I can see her point too. He's not coming across as relationship/ commitment material.

RogersVideo · 05/09/2021 18:05

He's not into you.

a8mint · 05/09/2021 18:07

did he want a baby? how old are you and he?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/09/2021 18:18

It may not even be that there is anything dodgy going on with her, it could just be that he isn't that into you, now in a situation of being a dad, and the going out drinking spontaneously etc is him grabbing for the free lift of no responsibilities. Either way your relationship is not looking like it will last and you need to look at how you are going to raise baby alone.

CanofCant · 05/09/2021 18:20

YANBU at all, his behaviour is showing he doesn't give a shit about you and your relationship together. Find your anger and channel it into making a plan to separate and parent alone. He won't change, a baby is a grenade in any relationship and will only magnify problems, not fix them.

It will he easier to get out now instead of limping along for a few years letting him grind you down any further with his behaviour.

PumpkinPatch21 · 05/09/2021 18:29

He's just not that into you.

biggerthehoops · 05/09/2021 18:31

I dont think the friend is the thing to focus on. His treatment of you is awful and even with her out of the picture he's still not prioritising you.

Speak to him about how you feel, don't focus on her but on all the other stuff.

If you weren't pregnant I would t suggest talking to him, I'd just tell you to leave.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 18:43

@a8mint

That’s really not a nice thing to say to a 15 weeks pregnant women. Telling her it’s a disaster and she should abort so her life isn’t “muddied” by a baby.

That isn't what she said at all!

Yeah I didn't read it as that poster saying that either, I thought they were just saying a clean break relationship wise was necessary.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/09/2021 20:33

Op I’m sure this thread hasn’t been an easy read
But he’s not
I think we all can sometimes hang onto bad relationships , and ignore stuff
I know I have

But in this case a baby is involved , so the sooner you extricate and make plans the better
He won’t change
But you can x don’t take this shit

MissyMooKins · 05/09/2021 20:39

You've made a bad choice having a baby with him but it's done now.

MissyMooKins · 05/09/2021 20:41

Probably don't think this is going to end as a happy family OP.

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