To ask if anyone has met a partner whilst being overweight?

[sonjinthecity]

I am 29 and 15 stone, I have insulin resistant PCOS which makes it that much harder however I am not using that as an excuse. Just 5 years ago I was 9 stone and was having lots of 'flings', fun and some serious relationships thrown in. I have now not had sex in three years, I feel like no man will be interested in me because of my weight - my stomach is massive - so I just don't try anymore.

Looking for experiences of people that have met their partner whilst being overweight. I'm at a point in my life where I would like to meet someone and settle down but I always put it off until I lose the weight which doesn't seem to be happening. I don't want time to tick by and I waste it.

Hi OP

I could have written your post - I have been single for a long time (and like you not had sex for a long time) and I have put off trying OLD because I wanted to lose weight. I am a lot older than you though and I wish I hadn't because now I am still overweight, still single and I feel like it is probably now too late. I have now joined an OLD site but still haven't met anyone and feel very anxious about meeting up with people and what they will think when they see me in person.

Having said that I wish I hadn't put it off for so long because now I'm so much older and I feel like I'm never going to meet anyone. I'm also less confident and more self conscious about my body than ever. It's lovely to see all the positive stories on this thread.

xx

xx

Yes very much so! After having my awful exh cheat and leave me because id put on weight (2stone!) I then ballooned- no idea of my weight but I would suspect morbidly obese, but now 9 years later I’m 9 stone 7, two children and married to my husband I met when I was really obese. Please don’t give up hope, it will happen. If you meet the right person they will love you for you!

Yep, I was about 15 and a half stone, divorced with a couple of kids and a few years older than him. Been together a few years now. He is younger than me, and fit. God knows why he fancies me, but oh well. 😁

Other way round. I married 1st husband when he was 18stone. His highest was 23stone plus. He was gorgeous to me, he looked the same 17year old I had loved .

I met my DH when I was overweight - I am still very overweight, but now I (jokingly) blame him, as he does most of the cooking in our house, and is a pretty decent cook!

We knew each other for just over a year before we started dating - we had mutual friends and would go out with our friends quite a lot. Turns out he also only lived a few streets away from me, and at the time I couldn't drive, so he would always offer to pick me up when we met friends - those 10 minute car journeys here and there gradually progressed into us spending more time alone together.

I mention this because the time just after we started dating, and we were getting to the stage of seeing each other minus clothes for the first time, I was getting really anxious and worried about my weight (would he see me and run a mile?). I went out with some drinks with a girl friend of mine, and expressed my body concerns to her - she recommended some underwear for me to buy, but said the best response ever - "To be honest though, he already knows you're a larger girl, he can see that every time you've met up. But you're still gorgeous, and he still wants to you, so just go for it." She then added on "but be careful, of course", and passed me some condoms from her bag.

Sometimes you just need to hear things like that, so OP, I'm sure you are stunning. Many of us are overweight, and have managed to find love, and people who find us attractive for many reasons (size is just one factor in hundreds of other factors).

I know 18st women with huge bellies who have flings and romance and relationships coming out of their ears, and women half their size doing the same. Equally, I know women of all sizes who don't date because of how they look.

The secret is not your size, it's confidence. And it works in two ways:

1. If you have no confidence, you won't create 'chances' in the same way because you will either assume they're not there or feel like you don't deserve them. The person smiling at you in a bar? You'll ignore it, or assume it's not based on attraction. The date someone asks you on? You'll get out of it because you assume it can't go any further or they'll hate how you look - ignoring that they asked you knowing perfectly well what you look like, and that if they only wanted to have sex with a toned size 8 then they wouldn't have asked you out in the first place. If you loved yourself and your body and saw value in yourself, you would assume these things were meant for you or were possible for you, so you don't. You shut the chances off.

1. Many, many people find confidence sexy. So there's also the possibility that you're projecting insecurity and dislike of yourself to other people in your interactions, and people either are not picking up the confidence that they find attractive or they're finding your clear lack of confidence off-putting. I don't mean that harshly - I know it's hard to love yourself when society builds an idea of what you 'should' look like from a young age and then you don't fit that ideal - but have you ever spent time with someone who's really, really down on themselves? It can be uncomfortable.

My advice? Follow people on instagram or whatever social media you have who have your body type and love themselves (on instagram @theemedit and @lauren_dungey are great) and are hot as fuck.

Do some work on not equating size with worth - would you think any other woman or man over a particular size didn't deserve romance or sex? Why? Do you think having a particular body is morally better? Where does that come from for you? Really dig into it - there's a free course on FutureLearn about body neutrality that might be a good starting place: www.futurelearn.com/courses/exploring-body-neutrality-jameela-jamil

And lastly: treat yourself how you'd want to be treated. Buy yourself nice clothes or underwear if you can, and enjoy wearing them regardless of the number on the label. Do a full on bath and face mask and moisturise if that's what makes you feel good. Or go for a swim or a walk or a yoga class if that makes you feel good and at home in yourself. Love yourself as though you were loving someone else.

Hating your body (and by extension yourself) is a sheer waste of your time and emotional energy - it doesn't get you anywhere. It won't make you look different and it just makes you miserable. So love yourself anyway. If you want to make changes and eat differently or move more, that's fine, do that because you love yourself and it makes you feel good. But not because it makes you 'better' to do those things, but because you deserve what makes you feel good in yourself.

Oh, and lastly - you can absolutely meet someone at any size. You're no better or worse a person at 15st than you were at 9st. Flirt with people anyway! Date anyway! Get yourself on the apps or out in town or wherever and do the age-old 'fake it til you make it' - you deserve love and sex and fun as much as anyone else. Don't keep putting off happiness because you don't feel worthy of it.

I came on to read this thread because I feel similarly OP and feel really uplifted by some of the responses.

@scarpa that's amazing advice - thank you from a lurker!

Hey there!

I've had problems with weight my whole life, PCOS, and other issues both physical and mental. I always was overweight, sometimes more than others, at some point I was obese.

I've noticed that when I am good emotionally, men flirt with me and I make relationships, but when I feel horrible about my body, men don't seem to notice me.

So, I would say try to feel beautiful and good about yourself and put yourself out there! Confidence is the key!

Yes, my husband. My weight has been up and down a lot in our 15 years of marriage. He has been underweight all his life; can't gain weight if he tries, which he says might be many women's dream but is not much fun for a bloke. I often wish we could swap metabolisms!

I have PCOS, I'm a 16/18 and have had numerous casual and serious relationships from OLD. My current partner is slim, and not a "chubby chaser" he just fancies me.

I'm not prancing about saying I'm gorgeous or anything but I wear what I want (this includes lots of gorgeous lingerie - complete game changer) and don't make a big deal about my weight. There will be men who aren't attracted to me because of it - so what?

None of that "real men like REAL women" nonsense either, women of all shapes are "real".

Yep, and they were of average weights rather than fellow fatties. I'm also insulin resistant.

I know it sounds trite but the probably really is likely to be your confidence rather than your weight. If you feel unattractive then you'll project that.

My boyfriend knew me when I was overweight but I got down to 7 and a half stone /size 8 in order to attract him. Worth every second of my long weight loss journey !

Some men prefer slimmer women, some prefer bigger women and some men are happy with either so of course it's possible to find someone when you're overweight.

This 10000%.

I feel like this should be a 'given' since the reverse is true too?

I always go for large men. I'm just way more attracted to them in general. Wouldn't rule out a man if he wasn't that, but that's just my taste.

Also, I was the sole female in a group of 15 apprentices during late teens / early twenties... they went out with, and home with, and settled down with, all shapes and sizes and types.

I feel like the media likes to paint this picture of men going for 'perfect 8s' (vanity sizing, remember when it was a perfect 10...) with big boobs and bums, but in reality men are just as diverse in their tastes for partners as women are?
(And I say that as a current size 8 - where I have a flat stomach but no arse - who's been a 14 - where I had great tits but a big belly - and everything in between).

I guess it's the equivalent of holding up Tom Hardy, Idris Elba, Henry Cavill etc and theorising that women only like 6 packs and jawlines that could get you pregnant.

I mean sure, I guess there is maybe some biological wiring telling us that's attractive because it's probably better for reproduction... but the only man I dated with a 6 pack was a dick and it went away in the winter . The rest were normal human beings. Whatever normal is these days!