Am I doing the right thing by avoiding her? This is hurting

[Helpppmeeee]

I wrote this thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4335935-Can-she-take-my-baby?msgid=110368150

Long story short, mum bought baby first shoes without asking me or telling me, went to take him to get fitted on their ‘day out’ and posted photos all over Facebook. When I said it hurt said I was a bad mum and became threatening and told me ‘let the games begin’ when I said we would be reducing contact for a while. Became very verbally aggressive and threatening, so I cut contact.

Have since had no apology, but two texts asking to see my son. I am either ignoring or saying no. Nursery is aware of situation so she cannot collect him, and have told health visitor about threatening messages.

But I feel awfully guilty and like I’m being a monster by not allowing her to see my DS.

She’s acting like nothing happened

Thoughts?

I remember your last thread. I’d have blocked her after that text exchange. She’s nasty and dangerous.

Youre not a monster. Your mum has been displaying some very concerning behaviour, you're protecting your son.

This woman is a danger to your family.

Stay strong and stay NC

As a GM you can offer to pay for your DGC's first shoes; you can wait to see if you're invited along on the shopping trip; if you're too far away, like I was, you might get a video call from the shoe shop and see the trying on/stomping around bit. What you can't do is dictate what shoes you will buy. Nor can you spirit the child away and have them fitted without any consultation!

Your DM put herself beyond the pale by just doing that, let alone any of the batshittery that followed. She's toxic and frankly dangerous and I would not trust her around the child again, even supervised.

Wow! I would immediately go n/c if ANYBODY threatened me like that. I can’t even begin to understand what it must feel like to have a mother like that. She sounds seriously unhinged. You have absolutely no reason to feel bad or guilty. She’s done a real number on you hasn’t she! I wouldn’t trust her an inch with my child. Ignore her texts, stay n/c. She’s a nasty piece of work. You don’t need that sh*t in your life.

You’re 100% doing the right thing. I read the last thread and you Shpuld not expose your child to this. She sounds dangerous to be honest. Do not allow her to have contact with your son.

I read your original thread. And I read the thread about grandmothers taking their daughters babies.

So no you aren’t being unreasonable. You have put up some boundaries and she’s pushing at them hoping you will fold.

Stay strong - this will remind her who is the parent and who is in charge of who sees your baby - YOU.

I understand the guilt because I too am avoiding my mum because of her narcisstic behaviour. But it's not worth it. Your mum acting like nothing's happened is such a common tactic. You're in control of who you let your son see. Do you really want to keep someone who threatens you and who could easily manipulate your child? She's toxic and you need to decide if you want that toxicity in your and your son's life.

Let the games begin..
You cannot trust her.
Its hard to report people (even falsely) to SS if you know nothing about the people you are reporting, better she has contact to build up a catalogue of lies that are hard for you to disprove.
A family court will throw out a request for a grandparent to have access unless they can prove it is detrimental to the child not to see them because they have had a long term sustained relationship, if she has googled or contacted a solicitor she will know this.
Keep your child away from her, she has told you what she plans to do.

The comment 'let the games begin' chilled me OP, I can't fathom saying that to my DC, this is so far from right.
Family dynamics can be toxic, and this is. They can also be hard to disengaged from through habit and patterns. You might question yourself, or second guess 'maybe she's not that bad' etc. But this is bad and unhealthy and wrong. Do you have a good support network around you? People that you trust who you can sense check with, and who believe you? At the very least keep a record of interactions.

Healthy mum and daughter relationships don't involve a grandparent trying to replace their own daughter as mum. Get away from this person.

I was on your original thread. I can understand that you're having a wobble - it's hard ending a relationship of such long standing - but your mother is a loon and you should absolutely carry on with the no contact. She threatened you and is not to be trusted.

What an awful women she is OP.

I would 100% go no contact. Please protect your son and yourself from this toxic women.

Do NOT feel guilty for one second. She’s been conditioning you for years and will only continue. When your son is old enough she will be dripping poison about you.

You are 100% doing the right thing by going no contact. Don't let her guilt you! She knows exactly what she's doing, she has even outright told you she intends to play a "game". This is just part of her game.

You are doing perfect .
You did the right thing speaking to nursery and hv. Ask hv if you should get a court order banning her from contact and consider showing messages to police and keep s log .
Stay strong

Don’t feel guilty OP, that’s exactly how she wants you to feel. She is gaslighting you by pretending that nothing’s happened, but you know her behaviour was totally unacceptable. Once she realises you’re serious about cutting her off she may well change tack and become aggressive, start telling you you’re a bad mum, are harming your child by not letting him see his grandmother etc. You need to stick to your guns.

She’s toxic. You need to keep your distance.

You know she's wrong, you're just not trusting yourself yet. Which is understandable when dealing with someone for whom games, power play and gas lighting are the air they breathe.

Post on here all day long if you need to, until you believe yourself too. We do.

I remember your original thread, well done and stay strong as others have said she conditioned you, you deserve better and to be allowed to have those firsts as a mum yourself

Been there..but worse!! Here if you need xxxx

@Helpppmeeee you need to go on over to the relationships board rather than AIBU and no you are not being unreasonable. Her messages to you were vile and she is acting this way because she has trained you to come to heel.

You know that your relationship with your Mother is not normal. You need to look up FOG - fear, obligation, guilt. You are not wanting to stay in contact with her because she is kind, loving and fun but "I feel awfully guilty and like I’m being a monster by not allowing her to see my DS" guilty, you said it right there. She threatened to take your child away from you, claims he loves her more than you. Unhinged doesn't even begin to describe her.

There was a thread recently of lots of stories of Grandparents 'stealing' babies. Apparently they can find ways to do it, especially if they physically have the baby and court is expensive and long winded.

If I were you I would definitely keep the baby away from her and also get some professional help so you can feel stronger about your choices xxx

Ignore.
I know that’s easier said then done and you’ll never stop wondering whether you’ve done the right thing or not. Just remind yourself of some of the reasons why you stopped contact in the first place.
“Let the games begin”? Fuck that.

Be strong and read that thread about grandmothers stealing their grandchildren! I bet you her mum didn’t do firsts with you, did she? She’s overstepping. I doubt any court would give her access if you’re in the U.K. Being aggressive and threatening you is not going to make you bow to her will!

Block her from contacting you on your mobile. Do not answer any of her texts and make sure that she can't get hold of you.

Her text messages were chilling and threatening. Do not feel guilty, do not have any more contact.

She's revolting.

Thanks everyone - does anyone have a link to the grandparents stealing babies thread?