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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think they should of put towards my birthday?

72 replies

Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 15:56

Bit of a clickbaity title but bear with.

I have a group of 4 friends I’d say we’re pretty close. For everyone’s past birthdays we’ve split it three ways meaning the birthday girl wasn’t paying anything. Not taxis, food, drinks, hotel. This was fine with me because we didn’t do presents, we all earn reasonably enough.

It was my birthday and I planned it, whereas they would usually plan the persons birthday. They asked me what I had planned so I just arranged a trip to another city, stayed in a hotel. Kind of what we always do, nothing extraordinary, about the same costs of previous birthdays. We went for a meal and they brought me a drink. I didn’t really think anything of it

Now another birthday has popped up, I asked are we splitting it, they said yes. I don’t know why but it annoyed me, obviously I’m not entitled to have anyone spend any money on me. I don’t mind paying my share but I feel shitty that the effort is never made for me. I want to say something but don’t want to come across as a brat

OP posts:

Plumtree391 · 04/09/2021 19:21

Have any of them been severely impacted financially by the pandemic?

That was just a thought but it is possible. Situations change year to year - even month to month sometimes.

If not, I think it is quite hurtful.

Maybe from now on all the birthdays will be on the same level.

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 04/09/2021 19:23

It sounds like they're using you. That they want you as an extra person to bring down their costs and do the organising for them but don't actually see you as their friend like they are eachothers and meet eachother alone when they dont need you. Asking if you vouldnt afford it sounds bad too. It's more like a question to make you feel small than like they actually care.

AndytheUnicorn · 04/09/2021 19:23

Just say what you’ve said here. Your more than happy to pay for the birthday girl but is there a reason you paid for your birthday when you normally split. If you find it too awkward maybe just choose the one your closest to and ask when your having a general chat.

TidyDancer · 04/09/2021 19:27

How much did you end up paying for your birthday that you otherwise wouldn't have done?

I think they've been shit whatever the amount though tbh. I would have to say something or I'd end up feeling resentful.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 04/09/2021 19:33

I'm really sorry OP; I know you said you introduced them, but it sounds as if they've moved on as a group and that the only thing they value you for now is soaking up some of the costs when they go out

It's horrible, I know - and so was the rather spiteful query about you affording it - but in your position I'd let them go now and concentrate on other friends

StrangeToSee · 04/09/2021 20:09

Probably because you organised it yourself, and it was a restaurant as oppose to a picnic in the park?

I’d only be worried if they covered the cost of everyone’s restaurant meals on their birthday and excluded yours.

Also the pandemic has hit many people hard financially. If the restaurant was expensive maybe they couldn’t afford to cover yours too (imagine it would be starter, main, pudding, drink)?

StrangeToSee · 04/09/2021 20:14

So in our group chat
I put the hotel which included the price
Then the train tickets
Everyone then sent 1/4
When we got there, they paid for taxis and food and text me what I owed them. They definitely didn’t think they were paying for my share

It sounds like your birthday was an expensive event to attend (hotel, taxi, train on top of food costs) so I can understand them not covering your costs on top of the expense of the travel. Does everyone in the group have costs like these or did you go a bit overboard?

Also the comment about affording it, are you a lot better off than them so they thought you wouldn’t mind paying your way?
Maybe the other girls genuinely couldn’t afford a celebration so everyone chipped in?

ITakeCharge · 04/09/2021 20:48

So if it's someone else's birthday the rest of the group organize something for the birthday girl and pay her share. But for your birthday they asked you what the plan was rather than arrange something for you, so you arranged it yourself and were left to pay your own share but for the next person's birthday it's back to everyone covering the birthday girl's costs?

If I've understood it correctly then you are not being treated as an equal member of the group for whatever reason. I agree with other posters that it will be difficult to challenge the expectation of covering the next person's costs without it backfiring on you in some way so it's probably a matter of whether the inequity sits well with you or not, I assume not since you are posting here.

COVID has hit lots of people financially but it seems odd they can afford to pay for each other's celebrations but not yours and that not paying for your birthday was not the start of a general downsizing but only applied to you. As others said, you are still expected to subsifdize their costs. It doesn't sound like you are being tight or paranoid here, something is a little off.

KrisAkabusi · 04/09/2021 20:56

Your birthday included a night away, train tickets, dinner and drinks. Was every other birthday as expensive? If it's normally just dinner and drinks, maybe this was more than they expected and they couldn't pay more or admit that it was pricier than usual.

Original poster

Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 20:58

Sorry if I’ve confused people.

We have been going to different cities for each girls birthday, so always have a hotel, activity, meal etc.

Total price is always around here the same. Financially everyone is stable and I probably earn the lowest out of them all but we’re all okay for money.

I quite liked the idea of us treating each other to a nice weekend out. I did just say to them it’s not for financial reasons, why am I being treated differently. But yeah that conversation didn’t go anywhere and I feel really awkward

OP posts:

Original poster

Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 21:01

The upcoming birthday, they suggested a hotel, spa, bottomless brunch in another city so it’s definitely not because my birthday was more expensive.

OP posts:

Sarcobaleno · 04/09/2021 21:04

You need to confront this. Friends are not meant to make you feel shit. You've either pissed them all off or they're bitches. Confront it or step back but life is too short to feel like that amongst friends.

VioletVesper · 04/09/2021 21:46

YANBU OP & I can see why your feelings are hurt.

What did they respond with when you mentioned you being treated differently to the rest of the group?

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 04/09/2021 21:48

Seems very strange

Would you ask them?

Actupfishy · 04/09/2021 22:01

What about your birthday prior to lock down? Did they pay for hotel etc? X

Quitelikeacatslife · 04/09/2021 22:05

Nothing at all arsey about saying " oh I thought we'd stopped doing that, as we didn't for mine'

BitterTits · 04/09/2021 22:17

@Sarcobaleno

Yeah there's no point in allowing yourself to be treated differently and resenting it. I would say you're paying your own share as per your birthday. If that doesn't go well I'd be distancing myself because I see exclusion as a very intentional form of bullying.

whatthejiggeries · 04/09/2021 22:17

I understand why you are upset but if you say anything you will look like a nob now but if it happens next birthday say something at the time

Sarcobaleno · 04/09/2021 22:48

@BitterTits Exactly. Confront them or stay away from them don't let yourself feel like shit and resentment build. Friends are supposed to build you up otherwise don't bother

TwinsandTrifle · 04/09/2021 23:29

I did just say to them it’s not for financial reasons, why am I being treated differently. But yeah that conversation didn’t go anywhere and I feel really awkward

So you have called them out on it. And there's no apology, or "shit, didn't realise, our mistake" you just got shut down. And now they're organising a weekend away with a hotel stay and a bottomless brunch for another member of the group, and you'll be expected to foot your share of the birthday girls bill as well as your own.

Sorry OP. They don't value you at all. You're ok to have come along to reduce the birthday girls bill for them. While they're not even bothered about your feelings when you are the odd one out. What's strange is that they came on your birthday weekend at all though. If it was a case that they just didn't like you, they wouldn't have shelled out all that money each (even without your unpaid share) to spend a weekend with someone they didn't like, so that doesn't stack up to me. Although it was you that had to organise it for yourself, unlike all the others, so maybe they just went along with a weekend that you'd done all the leg work on to keep the peace, and you around to cover 1/3 of the upcoming costs for the next birthday. I'm guessing you get twin hotel rooms too, so you're good to have around to halve a hotel room bill. With just the three of them, someone gets lumped with a sole occupancy.

You need new friends OP. These ones can stay at arms length. Be interesting to see if the weekend brunch away happens if you can't make it. Be dignified. Can't take the time off work or something. Now the three of them have to cover the two twin rooms between three and cover the birthday girls share between two of them.

Booboosweet · 04/09/2021 23:30

Should have

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/09/2021 00:00

I actually brought them together as friends I wouldn’t say they are closer but sometimes they meet up without me, it’s fine really.

Are you telling the truth when you say it's fine? I suspect you're not as blase about it as you'd like to seem.

What they've done definitely casts you in the role of outsider. I'd have a really good think about other instances of their behaviour, and if you are fairly regularly the outsider dump them. There are better friends out there.

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