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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should of put towards my birthday?

72 replies

Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 15:56

Bit of a clickbaity title but bear with.

I have a group of 4 friends I’d say we’re pretty close. For everyone’s past birthdays we’ve split it three ways meaning the birthday girl wasn’t paying anything. Not taxis, food, drinks, hotel. This was fine with me because we didn’t do presents, we all earn reasonably enough.

It was my birthday and I planned it, whereas they would usually plan the persons birthday. They asked me what I had planned so I just arranged a trip to another city, stayed in a hotel. Kind of what we always do, nothing extraordinary, about the same costs of previous birthdays. We went for a meal and they brought me a drink. I didn’t really think anything of it

Now another birthday has popped up, I asked are we splitting it, they said yes. I don’t know why but it annoyed me, obviously I’m not entitled to have anyone spend any money on me. I don’t mind paying my share but I feel shitty that the effort is never made for me. I want to say something but don’t want to come across as a brat

OP posts:
Solo · 04/09/2021 17:34

Sorry, that was meant for selflove

Original poster
Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 17:41

So in our group chat
I put the hotel which included the price
Then the train tickets
Everyone then sent 1/4

When we got there, they paid for taxis and food and text me what I owed them. They definitely didn’t think they were paying for my share

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 04/09/2021 17:44

@TwinsandTrifle

Yes that makes a big difference, did you say, the total for the four of us is £400. In which case they'd know to split by 3. Or did you say it's £100 each and they assumed you'd already added your portion to that, so by paying the £100 they had paid for you.
I hope it was the case that they had just misunderstood OP.

If you think that might have been the case OP, I would say:

"Sorry guys I just realised I'd added up for mine incorrectly and it was £100pp, but should have been £133 for you guys as I forgot to add mine in! I can just take off the different for my contribution to this birthday 🙂"

Planty13 · 04/09/2021 17:46

Just say “oh we our own way last time, are we not doing the same this time? “

HeckyPeck · 04/09/2021 17:46

Oh I cross posted there.

That's rubbish of them OP.

I really think you should say something though even if it's just replying to where they said yes to paying for birthday girl "I thought we had stopped doing that because we all paid for ourselves for my birthday"

Batshittery · 04/09/2021 17:51

When we got there, they paid for taxis and food and text me what I owed them. They definitely didn’t think they were paying for my share

Why would they text you what you owed? When you had the food, do you not split the bill at the time? None of this makes any sense to me

HawksAreRed · 04/09/2021 17:53

"I thought we had stopped doing that because we all paid for ourselves for my birthday"

I bet you'd get a reply like..."Did we? Oh I didn't realise, do you not want to pay towards Laura's birthday then?"

And then it's suddenly OP who is the tight, ungenerous friend. It's one of situations where whatever you say the friendships will change. But if you don't say anything then you feel resentful and hurt.

Original poster
Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 17:56

I don’t know how to tag but one person would pay for dinner say then others would transfer their share after, same with drinks and taxis

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 04/09/2021 18:00

Are the other three closer friends or have they been friends longer. Still sucks and is rude imo

RightSaidPleb · 04/09/2021 18:03

I get it OP, not sure why others are getting confused.

Usually the outing for the bday girl is a semi surprise so is organised and paid for in full by the other 3. This covers hotel, food, drinks etc

For your bday instead of organised something they left it to you to plan and ask what you'd decided

You shared the total cost of the hotel with them to check ok. They then transferred 1/4 rather than 1/3 leaving you to pay for your own hotel room which is unusual

On your evening out others covered food and taxis but then they sent you what you owed for your 'share' regardless of it being your bday

You wouldn't mind the above and didn't mention it at the time but now it's someone else bday and it's reverted back to previous.

Therefore this years bday, everyone has had their event planned and paid for except you.

I'd defo be miffed and use one of PP reply 'oh, are we now paying for the bday girl again? I thought we'd stopped doing that?' Feign surprise!

RealBecca · 04/09/2021 18:31

Not trying to be horrible but what im hearing is that you are worried they like you less than eachother? Is that what this is really about?

If so, think about it. Because if you say you want to pay for your own and you are right then it will probably go down like a lead balloon and kill the friendship faster than the creeping death it is now. Do you have other friends you can rely on? Or are these your only friends?

Ill get slammed for this but if i thought they were treating me different amd it was malicious then I'd probably let it slide while i found new friends rather than pulling the trigger.

RealBecca · 04/09/2021 18:32

It could of course just be that finances have changed for people and theres nothing in it and its sensible to ask and put your mind at rest. But listen to your gut.

StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 04/09/2021 18:33

@HTH1

I would say we all paid our own way for my birthday so let’s do the same again this time.
Maybe say this? Say it worked well for your birthday so could we do it for everyone from now on?
StarshipsAreMeantToFly · 04/09/2021 18:35

Ill get slammed for this but if i thought they were treating me different amd it was malicious then I'd probably let it slide while i found new friends rather than pulling the trigger. I'd rather have no friends than friends like that if it is the case. Unless they are helping you with childcare or something like that? In which case just consider it payment.

Returnoftheowl · 04/09/2021 18:38

You're really got three options... Say something, suck it up or not go.
If you don't want to say anything, which your comments imply you don't, then you're left with the other two choices.

girlmom21 · 04/09/2021 18:38

OP are you normally the one who suggests all paying 1/3 as you did this time?

If so, do you think that maybe nobody thought about it for your birthday because you weren't the driving force behind it?

Ozanj · 04/09/2021 18:38

It does seem like they ask you less if they didn’t make the extra effort to cover your bill; but for whatever reason they are too nervous to cut off the friendship. I would just say no you’re not going to the next bdy and maybe that might be the push they need to refigure their dynamics. Like a pp said - definitely use this time to make new friends

MindyStClaire · 04/09/2021 18:40

Are they good friends? Are they busy? You've mentioned you're all secure financially, so is it an amount that doesn't register to them? Just wondering if it's possible that it just kind of passed them by.

Would you consider leaving it for now, saying nothing and just seeing what happens next year. If they don't organise something again next year then that's not just a one off thing and you know where you stand.

MsWalterMitty · 04/09/2021 18:40

Are you normally the instigator for paying the birthday girl’s share?...: As you asked your friends if you’d all be paying the next birthday girls share. And they said yes. Would they have just paid their own share if you hadn’t have mentioned it?

MsWalterMitty · 04/09/2021 18:41

@girlmom21

OP are you normally the one who suggests all paying 1/3 as you did this time?

If so, do you think that maybe nobody thought about it for your birthday because you weren't the driving force behind it?

This is what I mean
Flickeringgreenlight · 04/09/2021 18:49

I'm struggling to understand it OP. I mean I get where you are coming from and it does feel rubbish, but what happens with the other birthdays in terms of who makes the booking and the organising. Giving that you have in advance booked and paid for everything yourself makes it a bit tricky IMO) for people to pay for you. Are the birthday girls normally plan / organise / pay for their Bday activities and then get money sent to them, or is the organising normally done FOR them by the other 3 friends without Bday friend having to deal with any aspect of booking?

Dasher789 · 04/09/2021 19:09

Thats a real shame. I think you should say, Its better if it could be split 4 ways as per your birthday

Original poster
Mowiejo · 04/09/2021 19:14

The organising is usually done FOR them. For my birthday this year they asked me about 2 weeks before if I had anything planned, so they definitely didn’t have any plans for me.

I actually brought them together as friends I wouldn’t say they are closer but sometimes they meet up without me, it’s fine really.

I did mention that I felt a bit shit about the arrangement. They then asked if it was because I couldn’t afford it so I just said it doesn’t matter Sad

OP posts:
Diverseopinions · 04/09/2021 19:15

I really don't know, but it's going to probably get to the stage when, maybe, people's lives get more expensive and intricate with kids - or more kids - and spending £100 a birthday, 4 X a year, on top of family and more expensive kids' treats, will make people think twice about going out on such a lovely, but extravagant, basis. It could be the case that there was a possibility that what you said could mean spending £100 each, and they jumped at that interpretation because they were a bit skint, and they hoped that they wouldn't be put right and told that it was actually £33 to cover you. I suppose you have given them the means to pay a lesser amount, and they haven taken it.

It might be good to introduce a trend for less expensive dos because Covid might have knocked a hole in people's finances and they are doing all the same entertainment but feeling the pinch more than in previous years.

I somehow doubt this is about snubbing you, or not caring about your feelings.

Chloemol · 04/09/2021 19:21

Just go back and say oh I thought we now just paid for our own, that’s what we did at mine so here’s my quarter share

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