Can you still call yourself a feminist if you stay with an unfaithful man?

[Itsnotmeisit2]

I always considered myself to be a feminist but some of my life choices would appear to contradict that.

I stayed with an unfaithful man and accepted the child he conceived through said infidelity, into my home and family.

Does that make me 'not a feminist'

I wouldn’t say that makes you automatically un-feminist, assuming you decided to stay together for reasons other than believing your job as a woman is to please him and stand by him regardless

I know women who have stayed after an affair because the bigger picture makes life better/easier for them and their children together than apart

As long as it was your free decision to stay, and not something imposed on you from a sense of duty, family/religious pressures or believing you shouldn’t be entitled to move on, it doesn’t seem fundamentally at odds with how I define feminism

I don't see how that wouldn't make you a feminist. It must be incredibly hard for you though. Don't beat yourself up about unfeminist tendencies - live the life you want. You're not the person who's let another woman down.

Without knowing all the details of your situation, I think you can call yourself a flawed feminist, as are most of us. It’s not an optimal feminist existence but we dont live in a perfect world.

It’s a bit like when people say environmentalists are hypocritical because they drive cars.

We live in a patriarchal society and most women find they have to accommodate men in some ways, whether as partners or spouses, employers or friends. As you are not responsible for the behaviour of men and as it’s quite difficult to live a life totally without men, you are bound to live with the fallout of their actions. That doesn’t automatically negate the fact that you have feminist principles.

You stay you accepted the child he conceived into your home. Does that mean you are now this child’s guardian? Or just that you accept the child in your home? Either way neither of these seems inconsistent with being a feminist: the child is not responsible for what this man did and your actions are charitable.

The only way I can see in which your behaviour could be construed as anti-feminist is that if you have female children you are signalling to them that indefinitely is something women should tolerate and that’s not a great message to send them.

But I wouldn’t judge you for this as I don’t know the circumstances.

Are you still with this man and do you want to be?

The only observation I would make is that it’s not great for your self esteem to remain with someone who has disrespected you in this way. But you probably don’t need me to tell you this.

We all put a different value on fidelity. For me feminism is all about choice. You’ve made the choice that’s right for you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks and it absolutely doesn’t affect your feminist credentials.

A feminist believes in equal rights for women.

If you believe in equal rights for women, then you're a feminist.

You clearly wanted your man in your life at any cost. And I imagine the cost has been great.

But it doesn't corrolate to feminism.

Of course you can. It's your choice. It's your decision to make about what matters to you or works for you and what doesn't.

Feminism is about women and girls as a group. Sex class.

There's no official rule book of what a feminist thinks or does. There is no universal agreement.

Some things eg thinking women should be executed for being raped are certainly universally seen as anti feminist but it's not usually people who see themselves as feminists who support them.

What any individual woman does in her own circs is not the point.

The point might be why do so many women stay with unfaithful men. But men stay with unfaithful women. So it's less of a talking point than something like why do so many women repeat/ believe rape myths.

I have some very feminist views, but I would hesitate to label myself as anything. (The only thing I do bridle at is the suggestion that feminism is about 'choice'. It isn't. It's about a level playing-field for women, a scenario we're still a long way from).

In the end I live for me, and don't pledge some unseen allegiance to a 'sisterhood' I'm unconvinced ever existed in the first place. Yes, I want to see equality of opportunity and the end of discrimination against women. I'm also not blind to the fact that some of the worst misogynists I've encountered have sometimes been other women.

You're not the first and wouldn't be the last woman to stay with an unfaithful man. I've seen similar circumstances which have ended very badly this way, but also other situations in which it was entirely the right decision. That's entirely your business.

Of course you can @Itsnotmeisit2. I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time in your relationship.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

Without wanting to derail I am totally with you on being enraged by “feminism is about choice”. It’s so irritating the way this is used to justify profoundly anti feminist behaviour.

With respect to the OP though it’s fundamental to feminism that you have to believe you are autonomous and equal to men. If you believe this then the behaviour of your spouse or partner is irrelevant.

Even the most ardent radical feminists make choices which aren't feminist.

I'm a rad fem and shave my legs, wear makeup and have given too much of my time to toxic men. Be kind to yourself

I don't think that makes you un feminist. Some people care less about Faithfullness I guess than others, some people decide that it's better for them in the long run if they stay. It's your decision as to whether you want to stay with someone after they cheat, it's your life to do with as you please.

Even if you felt constrained to stay in your duty as a woman, I wouldn't say that it makes you unfeminist. More a victim of a misogynistic society

To me, feminism is more about how we treat others or expect they should be treated. As long as you don't believe "every woman should forgive an unfaithful man" then I don't see how you're un-feminist

The only thing I do bridle at is the suggestion that feminism is about 'choice'. It isn't. It's about a level playing-field for women, a scenario we're still a long way from

It’s both. A level playing field is equality of opportunity, those opportunities mean choice.

Interesting question. I would state that Hillary Clinton is a feminist, and yet, there she is, still with Bill.

Urgh, I know someone who is always proclaiming to be a strong independent feminist, yet she's married to someone we all know cheated on her regularly for years. Interested to see opinions.

I don't think of feminism as a club or a code of behaviour tbh, it's a way of analysing what's going on in the world. It isn't the only way to analyse the world either.

Women can, and do, decide to do things for their own sake or for the sake of children or others including men, to do things that take a lot from them in terms of unpaid labour, reproductive labour etc. If that conflicts with their feminist beliefs then it shows that life is more complicated than a single type of thought.

It really depends on what importance you place on fidelity and what your own boundaries are.
Feminists don't all have to think the same way on this issue.

I don't think you are 'un-feminist'. Why do you stay though? Is it for money/housing/security? If so, I'd only judge if you went on to slate sex workers as it's pretty much the same thing.

I find your question strange OP tbh.

You have the baby/ child conceived through infidelity living with you?

How come? Where's the mum? Sounds like you have a lot going on and thoughts on what makes a feminist are probably not a priority.

Do you have children? What did you tell them about the baby/ child?

I know it's not their business but what have you told family neighbours etc?

I can't see the equivalence between a woman who feels unable to leave due to financial dependence as the same as prostitution tbh. Or camming etc. They have a shared life. A child in the household/ children.

I know a lot of men see all interactions with women from a transactional pov but I don't think most women see it that way.

Being a feminist isn't a purity test. You can be a feminist and still be a human with human emotions and human fallibilities, Some people we're attracted to or fall in love with can be like a drug. But what about this child he created as a result of infidelity?

There's only so much doormat treatment anyone can be expected to accept. Your happiness matters, don't stay with a cheating tosser. Prioritise YOU!

No, you can still be a feminist. If you weren’t a feminist you might say something like ‘a woman should stay with her man even if he’s unfaithful.’ It’s the element of free choice that makes feminism - I can recognise that this is a choice I would never make as I couldn’t tolerate unfaithfulness, while still supporting your right to make it as your choice.

Importance of faithfulness and monogamy are not feminist principles, more like internalized patriarchal system and leftovers from religious order. Feminist icon Simone de Beauvoir lived in open relationship. To go against the grain and make right choices for your life, to not demonize the "other woman", to accept her child as a valuable human being - sounds very feminist to me.

I think the thing here really is how come the OP and her family ended up with the baby.

That's really unusual.