Page 2 | Can you still call yourself a feminist if you stay with an unfaithful man?

Kanaloa · 05/09/2021 05:01

She doesn’t say the baby lives with her though does she? Only that she ‘accepted them into her house and family.’ I took that to mean that she accepts the child as a family member and for visits.

CornishPastyDownUnder · 05/09/2021 05:04

In theory sounds good to say probably feminism is defined by free will to make the choice-either stay or go-but to own it..
In practice-i couldnt personally stay with someone who had abused my trust&broken my faith in the relationship.

NiceGerbil · 05/09/2021 05:20

OP hasn't been back so no idea what that means.

Feminism isn't about free will/ individual choices. It's about liberating women and girls everywhere from oppression.

Joystir59 · 05/09/2021 05:55

It's quite difficult for all women who live with men to stick to feminist principles I think.

Mn753 · 05/09/2021 06:09

Marriage was traditionally about property ownership. Now you're supposed to be completely in love forever or immediately divorce. Affairs are supposed to be the ultimate betrayal and completely humiliating and who ever stays has no self esteem.
There are a million things my husband could do that would end our marriage, some that other people put up with happily, infidelity is not automatically one of them. Why do we assume the woman must be humiliated and desperate to keep a man at any cost? Is it not just as likely she's mature, can see people make mistakes in a long life full of temptation and on balance still wants to be married?

SleepOhHowIMissYou · 05/09/2021 08:29

You have to reverse the situation. If he had accepted and raised a child conceived by you by another man does that automatically make him the lesser person in the relationship? Plenty of men do do this in real life (I'm thinking about This is England's Lol and Woody as a good example in fiction).

Ultimately it's about viewing each other as equal. Forgiveness is a strength, not a weakness and you sound like you did what's best for you (and for the child) without coercion.

Shoxfordian · 05/09/2021 08:50

It doesn’t mean you’re not a feminist
Does mean you’re a bit of a mug though

Blueleah · 05/09/2021 08:54

Depends why you did it. If you did it to benefit him then you’re putting a man ahead of yourself and that’s not very feminist. But if you did it for your own reasons then that’s a different kettle of fish.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/09/2021 09:08

Why do we assume the woman must be humiliated and desperate to keep a man at any cost? Is it not just as likely she's mature, can see people make mistakes in a long life full of temptation and on balance still wants to be married?

This sums up my thoughts perfectly.

GreenClock · 05/09/2021 09:32

I don’t think you’re anti feminist. I know of a man in my home town who turned a blind eye to the parentage of “his” third child. There was a similar story in the midwife Jennifer Worth’s memoir, Call the Midwife, which made it into one of the tv episodes - the husband accepted the baby. Paula Yates was raised in these circumstances - Mr Yates wasn’t her bio dad. I don’t think it’s anything to do with feminism. Depending on the circumstances, I might think that some or all of the cuckholded people are mugs but that’s irrelevant and not what you’re asking.

Blossomtoes · 05/09/2021 10:49

@NiceGerbil

OP hasn't been back so no idea what that means.

Feminism isn't about free will/ individual choices. It's about liberating women and girls everywhere from oppression.

It’s both. Can we stop saying that feminism isn’t this, it’s that? It’s a massively broad and complex ideology which encompasses multiple elements.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/09/2021 10:50

I don’t think the two are connected tbh

Unless you said “all women should accept unfaithful men, but men can’t accept unfaithful women” or something like that.

Original poster

Itsnotmeisit2 · 05/09/2021 11:23

The baby (pre schooler now) doesn't live with us but spends every weekend here, sorry I wasn't clear in my OP.

Why do we assume the woman must be humiliated and desperate to keep a man at any cost? Is it not just as likely she's mature, can see people make mistakes in a long life full of temptation and on balance still wants to be married?

Yes that pretty much summed up my mindset at the point of deciding what I wanted to do in moving forward.

I stayed for my own reasons, definitely not to benefit him.

OP posts:

Newmumatlast · 05/09/2021 11:25

@Itsnotmeisit2

I always considered myself to be a feminist but some of my life choices would appear to contradict that.

I stayed with an unfaithful man and accepted the child he conceived through said infidelity, into my home and family.

Does that make me 'not a feminist'

Of course not, if you chose it. Its the choice that is key for me

Newmumatlast · 05/09/2021 11:26

@Itsnotmeisit2

The baby (pre schooler now) doesn't live with us but spends every weekend here, sorry I wasn't clear in my OP.

Why do we assume the woman must be humiliated and desperate to keep a man at any cost? Is it not just as likely she's mature, can see people make mistakes in a long life full of temptation and on balance still wants to be married?

Yes that pretty much summed up my mindset at the point of deciding what I wanted to do in moving forward.

I stayed for my own reasons, definitely not to benefit him.

This is why I'm still married. Marriage and relationships are complex. Things aren't black and white. Some people are mature enough to understand that. It can be an empowered choice.

blubberyboo · 05/09/2021 12:06

I don’t think the two things are related at all.

Being a feminist is about having the power to make choices despite men’s wants.

If you wanted to remain in the relationship of your own free will then I don’t see how it goes against feminism. Quite the opposite as you didn’t allow the man to cast you aside. You also are supporting another woman who has become pregnant outside of marriage. she doesn’t need to be with the man to raise her child.

Kanaloa · 05/09/2021 16:00

@NiceGerbil

OP hasn't been back so no idea what that means.

Feminism isn't about free will/ individual choices. It's about liberating women and girls everywhere from oppression.

Yes, and liberating them from oppression means allowing all women free choice, so if op said all women must stay with cheating ex’s then those women would be oppressed. In this case, she has weighed up the options available to her, and made her own free choice to stay in her marriage. It’s not the choice I would have made but if I said it was the wrong choice and op should do what I would do then I would be going against my feminist beliefs that every woman has the right to choose.

3scape · 05/09/2021 16:51

I realise it's not the situation but why would it be odd for the man to be raising his (possibly not planned) "illegetimate" child? It smacks of inequality to not imagine that sometimes that's going to be the case. Defaulting to the mother would be an anti feminist point of view.

NiceGerbil · 05/09/2021 17:37

It's not anti feminist to ask how this very unusual situation arose.

If that's what actually happened.

nancybotwinbloom · 05/09/2021 17:54

I think it shows you are an incredibly kind person.
You have your reasons to stay and they are yours.
You sound incredibly kind and I take my hat off to you.

It doesn't sound ideal for you.

Are you ok with all of this.